One thing I love about reading and writing

One thing I love about reading and writing is that reading, or crafting, one exquisite sentence can make your whole day. It's like returning home and going on a grand adventure all at once. (1)Hi guys, it’s day 5 Mental Health Awareness and I’m falling behind in my goal to blog twenty times this month (been watching the Blazers vs. Golden State a few evenings).

I’m working on a blog (or two) on Eight Practices to Let Go of Perfectionism in Parenting but in the meantime here’s a quick thought on reading and writing I had driving home today.

It’s very much like counseling: finding yourself and discovering something new, at the same time.

One of my favorite parts of working with clients is when they say something true about themselves that they hadn’t realized or when they say it in a way that makes it clear that they aren’t just saying it with their head but they are believing it in a new way or really believing, deep down inside, for the first time.

Are you a writer?  What are you writing about these days?

What are you reading?  Do you have a favorite sentence you’ve read recently?

Coaching Giveaway: Day 5 Blog Like A Pro Challenge

Coaching Give Away (1)

Happy Friday!  It’s Day 5 of Jeff Goin’s Blog Like A Pro Challenge.

I was sick yesterday and didn’t find a place to guest post for Day 4’s challenge. Hopefully will be able to do that someday soon.

For today’s challenge Jeff encouraged us to Be Generous and give something away.

I’m still working on my short ebook and will be giving that away to folks who sign up for updates to the blog but in the meantime I would like to offer a 45 min coaching call for anyone who wants to work on any goal they are thinking about, or are currently, working on.

My ebook will be on Bridging the Gap between where you are and where you want to be.  You can get a little preview of it, I taught an adult education class recently at church on it.

Regardless of where you are in the process of changing something in your life I can help you take the next step.  You may know what you want to change and work on.  You may not.

I’ll help you explore your values and strengths, your motivation, your barriers, the resources and support you have available, your commitment and help choose the next best steps.

I do this dozens of times a week with my patients and clients.

If you’re interested just comment below.  If you’re brave, feel free to share what you’d like to work on, even if you’re just thinking about it.  If you’ve got a handful of things and don’t know where to start I can help you narrow it down, prioritize and pick one.

I’ll pick winner at random, Sunday evening 3/20/16.

If there’s enough interest, I may do a group coaching video on Periscope, so let me know if you’d be interested in that too.

You can view some of the Periscopes I’ve done here on my Katch Page.

Fighting FOMO

When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it.It’s Day Three of the Blog Like A Pro Challenge.

Today for Hump Day, I’m blogging about two things: Writing and the Fear of Missing Out.

Today’s challenge is tough for me because I don’t write to be controversial or take a stand or to provoke debate.

But I do have a lot of things I am passionate about. And I’ve been thinking about so many different things the past few days.

There’s actually quite a few things I fight for.   These days it’s fear and stress, in myself and others.

I’m also dealing with what Brene Brown calls a “vulnerability hangover”, a pretty mean one after the last two days of blogging. (If you’re one of my new blogging friends maybe you relate?)

Before I jump into the Fear Of Missing Out, I want to share something from Day One’s blogging experience.

I broke through my Resistance and wrote a “manifesto” of sorts for the first day’s challenge.
I didn’t think it was awesome but was happy to start writing again after several months and put words out there again.  And I was pleasantly surprised to write more than 500 words.  It was actually kind of easy.

I thought: “I’ll just start writing and keep writing as if I stop writing I’ll never be able to start again.” And I started second guessing what I wrote and how it could be better and there’s so much more to stay.

And it hit me, as I ruminated past my bedtime:

“This is more Fear, more Resistance and Scarcity.  It’s so ingrained in me to motivate myself this way.”

It reminded me of the story of the Israelites in the wilderness receiving manna from heaven daily and trying to hoard it.

My mind stopped racing and I was able to let go with this thought:

“Today’s Word, today’s words are enough. There’s more to say tomorrow.  Today’s words are enough.”

§§§

Lately, I’ve been encouraging my overwhelmed patients to fight for permission to be valuable in their own life.  To take care of themselves.  So many of the people, most of them moms, I talk to during the week are so busy, so focused on the needs of others, their responsibilities and roles, that put themselves last on their to-do list.  Some of them aren’t even on their to-list at all.  And their physical and emotional lives suffer.

We are sick.  Our country, our homes are soul sick.

My daughter taught me about FOMO recently, the Fear of Missing Out.  It’s something that affects her off at college.  There’s a constant tension she feels between getting her studies done and participating in fun campus activities. And she’s not the only one.

FOMO can hit young kids when the latest version of Minecraft comes out.
It plays out on our smartphones and tablets and on social media. In our jam packed calendars.  It can even play out in our church activities and attendance; we can get caught up in busyness of going to events and meetings and studies, coffee, prayer meetings and worship services and appointments because we fear missing out on experiencing God in a new and exciting way.

If you’re like me it is a big part of why my nightstand is covered with a dozen unfinished books.

Even in this week’s Blog Like A Pro Challenge, FOMO is rearing it’s head. (Ugh!  I don’t have my “lead magnet” ready.  I’m not going to win the prize!)

It’s interesting how the Fear Of Missing Out drives us to miss out on what’s most important.
Being present
Our kids growing up
Our calling
Intimacy with our spouse
Time with God
Prayer and mindfulness
Contentment and peace

Today’s blog challenge is to pick a fight.

Guys, we’re losing our lives to our screens.

Every other day in coaching or counseling with patients, social media and Facebook come into the conversation and not for a positive reason.

There will be a day when folks that go to counseling will spend a good portion of it talking about how their parents were absent from them because of social media and smartphones .

We may already be there.

Certainly in 10 to 15 years we will have a generation of parents who have spent their entire conscious lives on smartphones and tablets.

The sad thing is kids won’t sit their parents down to have an intervention about their addiction because they’ll just turn to their own tablets and smartphones.

This is the fight I’m picking and encouraging you to fight.
Fight for your soul.
Fight for deep connection with your family.
Fight distraction.
Fight addiction.
Fight comparison and the voices of shame.
Fight to stop fighting and striving and consuming.
Fight to just rest, trust and just be.

You.
Your life.
The simple gifts God gives, are enough.
Because He has made it so.
And said that it is good.

§§§

See, when I started thinking about this my first “advice” was to replace the Fear of Missing Out on social media and concerts and going out with the Fear of Missing Out on your kids, on your life.

But this is was just like the first part of this blog, trying to change negative behavior with another negative.

The solution to FOMO is just like “Today’s words are enough”, it’s contentment and gratitude, that the present moments, the present company, our present reality is enough.

PS.  I was home sick today.  Thinking about this blog and came across this TED talk My year of saying yes to everything | Shonda Rhimes.

She is a mom who is winning the fight against FOMO.

It is amazing and I think may be my new favorite TED talk.

I hope it encourages you.

 

 

 

 

 

Who I Blog For

HALDEN2It’s Day Two of the Blog Like A Pro Blogging Challenge.

A big chunk of the challenge was developing something to offer blog readers to encourage you to subscribe.
Well, I’m going to need a bit of help from my technical and creative team (AKA my kids) to finish today’s challenge.  But like I mentioned yesterday I have a blog series on change and growth that I’ve written and I think I will have the kids help me polish it up for you. So stay tuned, I invite you to subscribe in the meantime.

I didn’t want to skip today altogether so here’s my answer to Jeff’s questions for today. He asked: “When you think about why your message matters and to whom, what comes to mind? Who do you blog for?”

My answer was:

My blog is for my friends and family, my counseling clients, parents, creatives, perfectionists and procrastinators. For addicts, adulterers, the unloved, the scared, the hopeless and sleepless. For myself – as a way of processing, a creative outlet, a memo-to-self. And for God’s glory.

Manifesto

Manifesto

Today is Day One of Jeff Goin’s Intentional Blogging Challenge.

I’m taking the opportunity to jump back into writing and blogging.

I’d been discouraged by my home page malfunctioning and procrastinating on getting it fixed. So, I just installed a new theme because I knew I’d just put off doing it again and put off writing.

The first day’s assignment is “Know What Your About”

I almost took the easy way out and just put my About Page here.  (If you haven’t read it, it’s still is worth reading if you want to know about what I do.)

And the instructions were as follows:

The best way I know how to do that is to write a manifesto. Just draft a few hundred words answering the following questions:

  1. What’s the problem? This can be with the government, the world, or some niche hobby.

  2. What’s the solution? What do you propose we do to fix this problem?

  3. What’s the next step? What is the one call-to-action you want to leave people with? Tell me them to do that one thing.

What’s the problem?  I think there are many and that they are overwhelming.  I talk to people about their physical health, about their addictions, about their broken relationships, their uncertainty about who they are and what they will become.

The problem that keeps me up at night is anxiety and fear.  I work with folks in the counseling office and on the phone for coaching appointments all week who are stuck, afraid, confused, anxious, hurt, discouraged, hopeless.

Who are trying so hard to keep it together, to keep going, to keep up.

The first 10 years of my counseling career I specialized in marriage counseling and sexual addiction and pornography addiction.

These days I think the disconnection, isolation and anxiety caused by the pervasiveness of being online and social media is an even worse threat to the emotional and spiritual well-being of individuals and families.

I also have shifted my practice to work more with individuals.

People who are creative and artistic, writers and musicians, who struggle with insecurity and fear of putting their work out there.

Young adults who are searching for their calling, their career, their spouse.

Leaders who are overwhelmed by stress, the pressure and expectations their jobs and responsibilities place on them. Who feel isolated and ashamed by their struggles and depression.

I also love to work with individuals and parents who struggle with perfectionism and procrastination.

Fear, shame and the pace and rhythm of life make us all vulnerable to self-medicating and coping in physically and spiritually unhealthy ways.

Emotional struggles – loneliness, depression, rejection, abandonment, anxiety, addiction, guilt, anger, shame – all disconnect us from what we were designed to experience – an intimate life with God and others.

A lot of people have heard God loves them but they feel disqualified from God’s love because of their past – what they’ve been through or what they’ve done.

Sometimes the hopelessness and overwhelm of the present impairs our ability to experience God’s love.  Pain and trauma also distorts our ability to give and receive love.  And perversely, your ability to rest and give yourself permission to stop, to breathe, to take the time to look at your life, your patterns, rhythms and habits can be broken when in this state.

So, what’s the solution?

I believe the solution is a person, a relationship with our creator God through the son He sent Jesus Christ.  The solution is also reconnecting with our selves, our best selves, our souls.  It is in being present, connected and intimate with others.  To let go of our addictions and striving and performing and experiencing and practicing an emotionally, physically and spiritually healthy rhythm of life that enables to stay connected to God and others.

The Bible says that Jesus came full of grace and truth, to show us who God is and His love for us.

If you’ve grown up in the church, the balance of grace and truth can be very hard to navigate.

Grace and Truth are not two rabbits to be chased, they are two sides of a coin called Love.

The solution to so many of life’s pain, stress and struggle is the reality that

“You are loved.”

I know that may sound cheesy and it can be.

But it can also be everything.

The Resistance says, “You are loved” is cheesy.

It knows that love is the most powerful thing in the universe.

I think it’s one of the main reasons the universe exists, God needed a place big enough to manifest it.

The Resistance knows that love transforms.

That love heals.

Love connects, adopts, brings near and accepts.

Love reconnects what’s lost.

It also gives life and hope when what’s lost won’t ever come back.

The Resistance knows love sees and knows and forgives.

And because love does this, it frees us from shame and hiding.

It knows that love redeems the past.

That love restores what was lost.

Love brings rest and safety to the weary and wounded.

That loves brings light and beauty and hope to sickness, desolation and devastation.

Love makes us brave.  Love tells us we are enough.

With love, the Resistance and Fear die.

Because of this, the Resistance will fight for its life when you try to learn to love, to find love or try to love again.

It will try to isolate you and talk you out of it.

That’s why Love requires others.

What’s the next step?

Change, healing and rest are difficult.  Trying something new, even though you know you need to, is scary.  Sometimes, it’s not scary it’s discouraging because it’s something that isn’t unknown, it’s getting back to something you used to have and your frustrated or ashamed at how far off track you’ve gotten.

I encourage you to follow this blog or subscribe.  I share what I’m learning as a dad, husband, friend and counselor here.  Writing helps me do what I do better; most of what I write can be tagged “Memo-to-self”.  I hope it helps you know you aren’t alone and encourages you to face your past, your present and future.

This blogging challenge has encouraged me to post my first blog series on overcoming fear, on getting unstuck, on bridging the gap from where you are to where you want to be.  It is based on a keynote talk I did last Fall and Sunday School lesson I did for church.

It will be helpful if you want to make changes in your physical health, relationships, career or education path and especially if you struggle with procrastination and over-thinking; it will help you develop an action plan to overcome your fears of starting.

Kind of like this week’s blogging challenge.

When Your Audience is Small (& top 10 blogs so far)

 

  photo credit: Paul Bica

I’ve been blogging for the past six months and it has been great.  A lot of fun.

There’s still a lot of work to be done.  I’d like to pick a better looking theme template and eventually start podcasting but I’m pleased with the start.

In this post I’ll share some lessons learned but first a look at my top blog posts so far.

  

My top post, a letter to my daughters on dating, had more views than the next two combined.  It was also the most shared blog.  The share numbers got erased somehow but I think it was shared at least 150 times.  Clearly, it resonated with readers.  I love my girls, it is a topic I’ve thought (agonized) about for awhile.  I think one reason folks may have liked it is a) I poured my heart into that one and b) there aren’t too many posts on daughters and dating that don’t mention shotguns.  That are more serious than humorous and written by a dad, instead of a daughter.

Most of the other top posts have been about marriage, pornography, counseling resources, my About page.  Lately, I’ve been writing more about perfectionism and being brave.  Even though the post on dating and on stress and parenting are my only posts so far towards the top I’m planning on writing more about parenting.  One reason I haven’t written much about parenting is I often use the blog to process and brainstorm current concerns that clients or potential clients may have.  At home, the kids are in a good spot so I haven’t been reading, problem-solving, thinking and working on parenting issues as much as marriage, anxiety, etc.  That being said, I do want to write a parenting book (or two) someday – I’ve got about a 30 chapter outline roughly drawn up – and some of our friends and schoolmates are in a season of life that is reminding me of when the kids were younger and things were more challenging, so I am thinking more.  Feel free to ask any questions or let me know if there’s any parenting topic you’d like to read more about.  I am planning on saying more about the challenges of parenting in the digital age of social media and smartphones.  

One surprising thing about blogging:  when I write things on Facebook I can count on one hand the number of things that were shared by more than 5 people.  And I’ve been writing almost every day for 6 years.  On this blog, in the first 6 months, several blog posts have been shared 10, 20 times.  My daughter told me it’s probably because folks on Facebook are usually scrolling quickly through the content on their timeline while bloggers read blogs differently.  Makes sense to me.  Some of the blogs I’ve posted are the same things that I’ve shared on Facebook.  So, blogging appears to have allowed me to share with a new audience.  Like my colleagues in the Blogging Therapists and Selling the Couch communities on Facebook.

Although, I can’t be 100% sure.  Which brings up another question I’m not sure about; I’ve had several visitors over the past few months but haven’t had much interaction, feedback or comments.  I’ve had a bit on Facebook with my friends when I post but even though I try to ask open ended questions and really am interested in the answers, most folks haven’t commented or asked questions in return. Do you have any ideas why?  Or how I might get more engagement here?  The reason I ask is I’d really like this blog to be as helpful to readers as possible.

Thanks to those of you who have commented here, elsewhere online, or in person about the blog.  It’s been really encouraging.

Three posts I’m surprised haven’t been more popular are The B Word, Smart People Anxiety and Stuff Therapists Like.  Three different audiences for those posts: parents, folks with anxiety, folks who are thinking about counseling or starting counseling; four actually, the last post is also for therapists who love Brene Brown too. 

My audience is still small.  Some days I wonder if it’s worth taking the time. But I know it is.

I did a Periscope video about things I remind myself of when I get discouraged about not reaching more folks.  The video was one of my favorite Periscopes so far because of the interaction with the viewers.  It’s also amusing because I basically regurgiate the encouragement I’ve received from my friends Steven Shomler and Marc Schelske, local bloggers, authors and pastors.  I hope others who blog, write, therapists who are starting out or trying to survive in private practice, anyone who’s trying to build their platform, make videos on Periscope and get their voice heard will be encouraged by this video or the summary below.

Here’s a few quick suggestions for When Your Audience Is Small from the video.  

1) Everything I write is a memo to self.  I write because I need hope.  I need encouragement.  I write because I want to have a better marriage, be a better dad, a better counselor, to grow in my faith.  Writing is self-care.  Writing is healing.  

2) Stick to it because it’s needed.  If I need the words I write as parent, as a husband, someone else probably does too. Your voice matters. Today, you may write or record something that someone may not read until years later when they Google a question or problem and they come across your blog. I know what I write on here is needed, even if people don’t realize yet because a lot of what I write here is exactly what I tell my clients in the counseling office. I write things I wish they had read before things got worse or so hard to fix.  I write with the hope that you won’t ever have to come see me or another counselor.  

Yes, there’s lots of blogs. Yes, there’s lots of coaches and counselors and writers out there.  Your perspective, experiences, creativity are unique and the audience that needs you is out there.  And you’ll find them or they’ll find you eventually.  If you don’t give up.

3) It’s practice.  In the meantime, while your audience is small, you’re practicing.  I’m practicing right now.  Getting slowly better and more confident.  Not everything I write works.  But it’s preparing me to communicate and teach and counsel with more clarity and effectiveness.  If your audience is small, it could be a season of growth and focusing you and preparing you to step up at just the right time, in the right way, with just the words to mee the need of a moment you never dreamed of. This has happened to me several times.  

4)  What you blog or Periscope about you think about 24/7 anyway. You might as well write it down or sit in front of your phone and hit “publish” or “record”. Even if you have an audience of 1 or 1000, what are you passionate about?  What do you have trouble turning your brain off about?  I am constantly thinking about marriage, parenting, mood disorders, self-care, relationships.  I love thinking of new ways to communicate and teach counseling principles, to model and teach counseling as a creative narrative process.  I heard an interview with Seth Godin where the host asked him how he writes every day.  He replied that he doesn’t have trouble writing every day because he doesn’t have a problem talking every day, he doesn’t have a problem thinking every day.  We all think and talk every day, we could write plenty, we just have to deal with the resistance and the fear that it’s not good enough.

5) Have fun & experiment.  This suggestion can help with the resistance and fear.  Have fun.  I’m still trying to figure out blog length, content, tone.  I’m trying to incorporate more of my sense of humor, I think a few posts have it but not enough. So far.  I’ve been having fun learning how to use Canva app to make the graphics for the blog posts.  

6) You can’t skip this part.  You can’t skip the stage of a small audience.  You can get lucky and have a blog post go viral for some mysterious or fortunate event.  But for the most part you have to pay your dues and learn the craft and work hard.  I can’t go from 30-400 views to 4000 or 10,000.  Being focused and purposeful now, in the present, is all I can control and enjoy.  Thinking too far ahead, feeling discontent, envious of others or worried about it are all distractions and prevent us from doing good work now.  Besides, when your platform grows and you have more readers and viewers, that just brings the pressure to keep them engaged and continue to produce quality content.  

7) Focus on building up people and you will build a tribe.  If you focus on a broad impact – on popularity you may miss impacting and influencing people deeply.  If you focus on going deep, on impacting people deeply, you have a chance to do both.  

8) Focus on being helpful, instead of good.  Ryan O’Hara on the Periscope video commented “Helpful before Huge”.  I really liked that. I’ve been reading Michael Port‘s Steal The Show book (great trainer on public speaking, has a podcast for his book too) and in it he says if you focus on being good, you’re focused on the wrong person: you.  If you focus on being helpful, you are focused on the right person and it will be good.  

These few points have been things I’ve tried to remind myself of in the past 6 months blogging and the past two months making videos on Periscope.  I hope they will encourage you if you get discouraged about a small audience.  

I’m curious, what are you writing or speaking about these days?  Or thinking about sharing with others?

What do you tell yourself to get through the days when it’s hard to put yourself out there?

For those of you who have been writing awhile or have moved beyond small audiences, do you have any advice for me?