Tag: marriage

Five Tips For When Your Marriage Struggles Or Drifts

  

Here’s a quick video I did on Periscope recently. 

If you don’t have time to watch/listen to the video, here’s what I wrote before recording, not a full transcript.

I hope you are well. 

I know some of you aren’t. 
You’ve lost your way. 
You’re marriage is struggling. 
You feel like giving up and that scares you. 
Or you don’t feel anything. 
You just don’t care and you’re not sure if you love your spouse anymore. 
You’re just going through the motions. 

It hurts to lose your best friend. 
Some of you, the isolation of this struggle is making you lose your faith in God and the church. 
It hurts to see your wife so focused on the kids and Pinterest. 
You don’t like seeing her so stressed and unhappy. 
You feel like you’ve failed her. 

It hurts to see your husband so focused on sports, on work. 
You feel rejected by his anger or silence. 
It’s painful to know you’ve drifted apart but not know what to do about it 
It’s discouraging that every time to try to work on it, it just seems to blow up in your face and get worse. 
And it’s demoralizing when you remember when you enjoyed sex but now you just feel used, resentful and unsatisfied with that. 

In the middle of it, there’s moments of hope. 
You still hope you it’ll get better someday. 
Maybe when the kids are older, when you’re less busy. 
But you aren’t sure if you’ll make it. 
Will will be left of the both of you to salvage when the pain is tearing away at your souls, at your love for each other? 

Here’s a few things to find and fight your way back. 

1) Own your part. If you’re on a path of drifting away, stop, assess what is pulling you away or what are you choosing and turn back.  Turn back toward your spouse, toward home.  The home you had in each other. For some of you, this might mean repenting and turning back towards God and dealing with being spiritually off track.  Take back control of what you can.  Stop blameshifting or being victimized by your partner. 

2) Apologize.  Ask forgiveness for your contribution to the problem.  Even if they don’t react well at first.  If there’s a lot of hurt and anger stored up, go slow.  This is hard. 

3) Ask them for what they need or want for things to be better. For them to trust you again.  For them to feel closer, to feel valued and important in your life again.  For them to heal and feel safe with you again.  This can be risky, your spouse may not be open to sharing this because they may not want to be disappointed and hurt.  They may be so hurt or angry that they actually may not want you to succeed.  Try anyway.   

4) Follow up on if it is working.  Set behavioral goals, what you will do and say differently.  Actions and following through on agreements and commitments help to restore trust, not wishful thinking and words.  So checking back in after a week and asking, How did that go?  What went well?  What didn’t?  Did you do what you said you were going to do?  What got in the way?  What do we need to adjust?  What will we work on next? 

5) Ask for help. If this doesn’t work or is too hard.   That can be from a friend, a pastor, a counselor. 

on Fighting in Front of Others

 

 Advice for young couples (and old) 

Have your fights in front of others when you are newly married (or even better: when you are engaged).

Why? Because the damage is extremely hard to undo. Trust me, it sucks.

Here’s just a few things that fighting badly does:

It trains you to trust each other less.

It erodes goodwill, kindness, empathy and generosity.

It reinforces bitterness and hopelessness.

(With hope, a couple can just about work anything, they can regain trust, rekindle feelings of love. Without it, they say things like I love and care for her/him but…)

It brings out your worst and turns you into someone you despise.

You feel out of control.

You become more vulnerable to addictions and sinful choices.

It steals away your fun, your best friend.

It gives you an excuse to focus all your attention on your baby/kids, which has negative connotations for *their* lives.

It makes sexual intimacy (if it is still going down, which when you’re young, a lot of you can still override your feelings to make it work), less about emotional intimacy and more just about drive and just something physical. Which ends up making one or both of you feeling used.

It brings up all your baggage and trauma from your family of origins and puts in a chaotic blender so that it seems like you’ll never get a grip on life or that any growth, healing or progress you’ve made in that area instantly becomes undone whenever you try to JUST HAVE A FREAKING CONVERSATION!

Bottom line: it makes you feel unloved, unwanted, uncared for, unimportant and alone.

I could go on. I’m sure you could add more.

Have your fights in front of others. Don’t just get advice. (Yes, I know this advice).

Don’t just retreat to your respective corners, to your respective cornermen/support people at coffee or online.

Fight to resolutions.

Fight through to agreements.

Let the real-time support of others observing and coaching you, train you that fighting is not bad.

This can transform your experience that every time you try to talk IT DOESN’T WORK! to WE CAN DO THIS!

The more agreements you work through together, the more success you experience, provides tremendous safety and security.

You learn this early on and it will provide a lot of protection and joy in your marriage.

When Marriage Counseling gets hard

 

Sometimes  a marriage needs healing

Sometimes  a marriage requires a resurrection

and how impossible that seems can be very discouraging and frustrating

“It gets worse before it gets better”

Couples don’t really realize how true this is until they start doing the work of marriage counseling. And a lot don’t continue because it’s so hard. 

That’s because feelings like hurt, betrayal, disappointment, that have been stuffed down for years, start to come out.

Even when there’s improvement, that can be a negative too, because then the regret and hurt of “Why couldn’t she or he have done this for me and our marriage before now? ” is just one more reminder of how broken and hopeless it all feels.

There’s a grief at suffering in marriage that comes when your spouse starts treating you the way the could and should have in the first place.

It’s like resetting an incorrectly healed bone break.  It has to be broken again and reset to heal properly.

Hardness, isolation, unhealthy patterns, addictions, bitterness, self-protection, lies – just a few things that have to be broken.

Sometimes false hopes and expectations have to die completely and the myth of certainty and control along with it in order for hope and trust and love – still tentative but now unfettered by the need for certainty – to come alive again. 

Often the worst/hardest part of all, is facing the fears that have been avoided, fears like abandonment, rejection, being unloved, unworthy, unattractive, failure, being alone. 

It feels like death because it is a death.

But there’s life after walking through this valley.

 

On taking the scenic route

  

A friend of mine is getting married soon and it has me remembering the song “God Bless The Broken Road” made popular by Rascal Flatts and Selah.

It starts 

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love
along the broken road

I love the song but lately I’m not so sure about the idea of broken roads.

Or “others who broke broke my heart” being Northern Stars.

Just because the road isn’t straight doesn’t mean it’s broken. 

There may be brokenness along the way to be sure but just because it’s hard doesn’t make it bad. 


It’s the scenic route.  


And you see things and meet people you need to meet along the way.
Some of those people are rule outs, to clarify the type of people you want to be your friends. Or spouse.
And some of the things you see are things of your own design, by your own choice, that are really bad ideas.

But you learn and grow, ask forgiveness and heal. 

And it all adds up to forming who you are and discovering what ultimately will bring you joy and peace. Hopefully, you discover God along the way too.

You can work hard and battle and hustle and still not be in a hurry.

Sometimes the road gets straighter, if you just pause and enjoy the scenery.



You loved me once

  

Every few months, three or four times a year,
when driving to or from the counseling office
while thinking or praying for clients,
I write a poem
here’s a recent one
It helps me let go of the outcomes
while still holding on to hope for them
especially when things get really hard
I hope it might encourage you if this is something you’re struggling with
even if you are single and not in a relationship right now.

One miraculous thing about marriage

Looking back at this week’s video blog on marriage

It struck me that no blog post can adequately convey or capture

What a miracle marriage is

What an unfathomable mystery it is

That marriage is both the place where

We die to ourselves

And at the same time

Come alive, find and grow into our best selves.

It reveals our worst but brings out our best.

Two flawed individuals coming together into one unified beautiful whole? 

We can take for granted how much grace and love that requires. 

10 Obvious-but-we’re-in-counseling-because-we-forgot Marriage Facts

Ten obvious-but-we’re-in-counseling-because-we-forgot Marriage Facts.

Fact #1 : Your spouse is different than you. They just are.

Fact #2: What you believe about those differences and how you react/respond will make or break your marriage.

Fact #3: Your spouse is an adult. You can’t control him or her. The moments you forget this you give yourself permission to weaken your marriage.

Fact #4: Spending time doing fun stuff together and having awesome uninterrupted conversations were two key things that made you say “Hey, we should, like totally, do this together for the rest of our lives!” That and the kissing. (Oh yes, the kissing! More on that later)

Fact #5: You married your spouse because of the strengths and qualities you admired in them, fixating on their weaknesses will make you doubt that decision. If you mentally tear down your spouse, because you are one, you tear yourself down. And it’s not very sexy.

Fact #6: Your spouse is your best friend. Don’t be mean to your best friend.

Fact #7: Honesty is still the best policy. Remember when finally finding someone to be completely open and honest with felt so good? Don’t go back into hiding.

Fact #8 Being adult doesn’t mean being grumpy. Have fun. Simple, obvious, not easy. Make space for it. Ruthlessly deal with stress and busyness. “Neglect” and sacrifice other things and priorities for your spouse, like you used to.

Fact #9 Sex is good. So much to say here. Don’t make excuses. Find your way back to each other, under the sheets.  Whatever takes away or has taken away the longing, desire and urgency – address it. Maturity and the kids’ schedules and getting old together doesn’t mean losing creativity, fun and playfulness. Chase each other around the house even if only metaphorically and behind closed doors and that brief window of time on your weekly calendars.

Fact #10 Marriage is not just about you and your unmet needs.  Not to discount your needs or happiness but remember your purpose, your center.  For me and Julie, it’s our faith and relationships with God. Under stress and conflict and overwhelm it’s easy to go into survival mode.
Remember that you had dreams, purpose, mission, something beyond yourself when you started your life together, something beyond just the two of you.

Remembering this humbles me, makes me feel grateful to have such an amazing spouse. It makes me feel so blessed. It reminds me I’m forgiven and I can forgive, small and big things.

When you step back and consider this, the things that divide you get smaller. And the things that brought you together, that keep you together and will see you through, come back in and empower you to continue to love each other.

Find your way back.

It’s worth it.

Four phrases that start or escalate fights

Here’s a few handy phrases I’ve learned that start or escalate fights in relationships.
These apply to communication with your partner or kids.
(Confession: I may or may not have used these…a time…or three myself)

1) “I shouldn’t have to…”
2) “If you loved me…”
A few examples,  “I shouldn’t have to tell you what I need/want.”  (Well, yes, actually you do need to.  It’s what healthy couples do.)
“If you loved me, I shouldn’t have to ask…” or “If you loved me, you’d remember…”
“I shouldn’t have to explain to you why this is important to me…”

These manage to simultaneously help you feel angry and rejected at the same time.

3) “Why don’t you…” or “Why can’t you…”
Ever notice you rarely get the answer you want if you ask this?
The other person gives you their rationalization and rehearse why they are doing the thing you don’t want them to do.  Moving them further away. Works even faster when you do this unsolicited and unexpectedly.

4) “Seriously?!?” – reinforces your indignation and insults their perspective with just one word.

You don’t even have to say these out loud, that’s just a bonus.
Saying them to yourself, affects your attitude and non-verbal communication as well.
To paraphrase Kevin Leman, nothing starts a fight faster than a superior attitude.

How do you know if counseling will help? Read this to your husband if you aren’t sure.

One way to decide if counseling would be helpful vs going out for coffee or a date night is when the way you talk (or don’t talk) about your problems becomes the problem, when trying to talk drives you further apart, not closer.

When communication breaks down it can be so frustrating for both husbands and wives. I wrote this too for guys who aren’t sure if counseling would help or be worth it.  

Guys,

What if I told you there was a place you could take your wife and you could talk calmly and efficiently and come to agreements about your conflicts.  

A place where your need to think things through inside before replying outloud would be honored and uninterrupted. 

 A place where you would listen to each to other and find the words to understand each other and feel validated and heard.  

You wouldn’t have to numb or shut off your emotions but could express them because you’d learn to contain them and not be overwhelmed.  

A place where the stress of the present doesn’t steal away the joys of the past or the hope for the future. 

There might be some crying involved but it would only take an hour and you’d leave as friends or at least with the hope that you might be again someday?

That it may seem like weakness but to your spouse it’d be the most courageous thing you could do for her.

And really not just for her but for the both of you. 

What if I told you it could make all the difference. 

Would you go?

How to listen to your spouse at the end of a hard day

One thing I’ve learned in marriage counseling is that the desire to fix your spouse is not just a gender issue.  Deal with the incessant demands of little people vying and competing for your time and attention sucks away empathy just as much as being male.

One of the key things I help couples with is helping them choose to listen with empathy even under stress or when neglect or hurt.  It’s hard to listen with empathy or patience, to practice generosity of spirit, when you feel your emotional needs haven’t been met or doubt it will be reciprocated.  What this looks like is frustration, irritation, invalidation of feelings, arguing about details, impatience.  What is sounds like is “You’re always so negative.”, “Stop exaggerating!”, “It’s always drama with you.”

I wrote this post a year ago, after watching this video, “It’s Not About The Nail.”

It’s Not About the Nail from Jason Headley on Vimeo.

Recommended for anyone who
– Has been told their eyes glaze over when they’re supposed to be listening
– Those who “check out” when their loved one “vents”
– For anyone who’s been told “You don’t have to fix me” and anyone who thinks the “It’s Not about the nail” video is an instructional video, not satire.

Vents are stories. And active Listening is like taking notes or highlighting and underlining when you are reading the story.  You don’t have to remember all the details (in fact, It’s not about the details, It’s not about the nail.  When in doubt remember this.  Write it down somewhere. Embrodier it on your underwear).
You start by noting and highlighting key parts of the story.  You capture key story elements and repeat it back, in psychobabble counselors call this “reflection”.

Now, once you have underlining and highlight and reading back what you’ve caught. You are on well on your way to your sweetheart feeling understood.  The next level, is like writing in the margins.  Reflecting back what they may be feeling, why the situation (drama) they are in is so important to them, what it means to them, what they haven’t said.  What they are venting about is not about the details, it is about how they feel.

Vents are stories, there is a beginning, middle and end.  The person venting might be stuck in the middle of their story.  You may see the end.  Do not, I repeat, DO NOT SKIP AHEAD!  You must demonstrate you understand the beginning and the middle before you get to talk about the end.  You cannot pass GO, you cannot collect $200, without this step.

Finally but perhaps most importantly: Vents are stories, there is an protagonist and an antagonist, a good guy and a bad guy.  And it should go without saying but I must,

YOUR SPOUSE IS ALWAYS THE PROTAGONIST IN THE STORY!

Even when they are wrong, they are the GOOD GUY!  NEVER GET THIS WRONG!

Never get it backwards.  If anything you say implies they are the bad guy or smacks of you being more supportive of the real bad guys in the story, you are already in deep waters.  As well intentioned as you may be, as much as you want to lend your wisdom, YOU HAVE ALREADY FAILED!  YOU HAVE FAILED IN YOUR DUTY AS AN UNDERSTANDING SPOUSE, A “SAFE” PERSON, A SOUNDING BOARD, VENT LISTENER!  Your clues are them getting louder and more frustrated.
You’re options are to back away slowly, apologize profusely, go get ice cream or wine, rewind the conversation, be quiet, review your notes 😉

Seriously though, one key idea that will just never make sense or feel right to a lot of dudes, is validating how your spouse feels, does not mean you agree with them.  You can acknowledge, affirm, support how they feel without agree with their perspective.  It will feel as comfortable as sticking a nail in your own eyeball but it is one of the main keys to a vent going well (and going faster), communicating that you caught how they felt when they were in the middle of that situation that was so hard, unfair, ridiculous, stressful, hurtful, etc.

You do this and you get to pull the nail out, you get to help write the end of the story.

The end of the story may not mean co-workers become nice, that justice gets served, that kids behave, that things get fixed – it may just mean that she knows you are with her, really with her, no matter what.
Under pressure you will forget.  So write it down somewhere: validation is not agreement, empathy is understanding even when you don’t understand.  You might even tattoo it on your palm, so it’s the last thing you see when you facepalm yourself.