Tag: marriage

“Life is better when we talk”

“You guys need to talk more.
“Ask him. Ask her.”
“Turn to him and tell him. Turn towards her and tell her.”

Often during couples sessions, someone will say, “I don’t know if he…” or “I don’t know if she…”

And it’s not like they mean to talk to me as if the other person isn’t in the room. 
It’s more a complaint, “I don’t know how they feel or what they want so I do or don’t do this…”
Or “I think they won’t approve, or want to, or it’s always been a fight when I’ve brought it up so I won’t ask.”

So they stay in confusion and uncertainty, instead of being transparent and brave and asking clearly and directly for what they want or taking the risk of being vulnerable about what they worry about. It’s easier to be confused than to check and find out what you feared is true: they don’t love you or you can’t rely on them.

And they try to leave it to me to tell their spouse what they need to hear.

But I won’t do it (maybe a little at first, as an example)
Instead, I tell them:

“You guys need to talk more.
“Ask him. Ask her.”
“Turn to him and tell him. Turn towards her and tell her.”

We want to be understood and accepted but we’re scared of revealing that because it would hurt for us to not get this emotional need met. 
But the way we cope with the risk perpetuates feeling alone, misunderstood and rejected.

One of the best things I’ve learned about marriage wasn’t from a counseling professor or textbook, my wife taught me this:

“Life is better when we talk.”

Give it a try.

Be brave.

Go first, if you have to.

If it’s hard, if you aren’t sure how or where to start, learn.

Or ask for help.

If you want to but still are unsure, here’s another blog for more motivation or inspiration.

On marriage and being great together

And two books that can help you talk and listen better:

Stop the Fight!: An Illustrated Guide for Couples: How to Break Free from the 12 Most Common Arguments and Build a Relationship That Lasts

Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

Marriage is a “vulnerability hangover”

Marriage is like one, big “vulnerability hangover”, especially for guys. 
“I do” is saying in part, “I do want you to be the one to reveal my true self to. The one I’ll share my dreams and desires and needs with.”


And the revealing and unraveling doesn’t happen all at once. 
The love and safety doesn’t come in the act of being vulnerable – that’s just being brave – it comes in the response.


Pretty scary but worth it. 


It helps to learn how to listen, how to hold space, to accept without the knee jerk reaction to fix or change your spouse.

A few ideas for the day after Valentine’s Day

Hi guys!

Long time no blog here.

I hope you had a great Valentine’s Day!
I had a full day in the counseling office then enjoyed some dessert with my family and the start of a movie.

Valentine’s Day can be a lot of fun but after the chocolate and flowers and the reminder to focus on romance and your significant other, what’s next?

Here’s a few blogs I’ve done on marriage that I wrote for my church. I think they can be helpful even if you’re single too, they’re on being loved and the twists and turns of life.

I hope they’ll encourage you to continue to grow closer, improve your communication and problem-solving in your relationships.

Below I’ve also including a month of short videos on marriage that I did for my friends on Facebook.

https://clearcreekpdx.com/2018/how-god-can-strengthen-and-save-your-marriage/
https://clearcreekpdx.com/2018/how-god-can-strengthen-and-save-your-marriage-part-2/
https://clearcreekpdx.com/2019/a-blog-in-three-rich-mullins-songs/

Short Videos on Marriage and Communication

Newlyweds (A poem)

Newlyweds (a poem)

They sit on the same couch
(always a good sign)
But the smiles don’t reach to their eyes
because pain lives there now

“The sex is still great!” they tell me eagerly
as I notice their hips or hands aren’t touching
It comes out more like a fact they are trying to convince themselves of
Instead of a shared secret between two lovers, a joy

And that vestige of a smile they started with
is gone

It’s almost like they’ve gotten two dogs
Anger & Hurt
that they feed daily with sarcasm and silence
Kindness and Warmth, in the form of soft words and gentle touches,
haven’t been seen in a while
Perhaps they can be found wherever Love and Patience have run off to

Hope is fighting for its life
As Shame reminds them:

the wedding was less than 6 months ago

One thing they do still agree on:
They both desperately want their friend back

Individual Counseling Can Help Your Marriage

This week’s lesson in marriage counseling: on the importance of individual counseling for couples’ counseling.
It’s often a surprise to couples how important or necessary concurrent individual counseling can be.
There are a least two reasons for this.

1) the hurts and unresolved issues of our individual pasts impact our marriage. Especially when you notice you’ve been stuck in a recurring conflict or pattern.

2) the effect of the hurts of the present; it’s hard to process the grief and regret of what has happened in the conflicted marriage with the one who has been the source of that hurt.

     Your spouse doesn’t even necessarily have to be unsafe or for there to be a lack of trust, sometimes being hurt and having unmet needs can make it too hard to contain the intense emotions of your spouse who is also hurt and discouraged. We sometimes say things we don’t mean or believe in grief and it can cause a lot of fear and pain for your spouse to hear those things when trust is fragile or they are not feeling hopeful and confident about themselves or the state of the marriage.
When we first come together, often our brokenness and empty places compliment the broken places and emptiness in our loved one. It feels good to be together because it feels like everything fits together like a missing puzzle piece or hand fitting in a perfectly custom fit glove.

Finally!

     But with time, the movement of life, growth, change, stress, that brokenness, those differences and unresolved issues become jagged, sharp edges that saw and grate against each other.
And we can get caught in a cycle of how we react to how much that hurts, with what we do and say, causing more hurt.
And how messy and complicated that gets is really hard to do in one couples’ counseling hour a week.

Fighting for Your Marriage: Lessons From The Zombie Apocalypse

My clinical supervisor and mentor once told me this about marriage:
Make sure you don’t bury them [hurt/resentments] alive.
It inspired these lessons from zombie hunting, for reanimating your marriage when it isn’t quite dead but isn’t quite alive.

One way to fight for your marriage is learning how to kill zombies.

The zombies of betrayal, disappointment, bitterness, old patterns, unforgiveness.

Here are few ways surviving the zombie apocalypse can help you fight for your marriage.

1) The zombies are the zombies, not your spouse so don’t take the hatchet to each other’s knees.
2) Sharpen each other’s machetes and fill each other’s chainsaws with gas every day.
3) Find ways to the kill the zombies dead, once and for all.  If you bury them alive they spawn and come back worse than ever.
4) Guttural language, listless shuffle, glassy eyes, aimless wandering…your husband may look like a zombie at times but don’t kill him, he may just be tired after work.
5) The zombies are relentless so remember to have fun while blowing gaping holes in them.  There’s always comic relief needed at some point.
6) If you escape the clutches of the zombie horde but leave your spouse behind to be overrun, in the end, you still lose.
7) Bringing up the past is the toxic fluorescent green sludge that reanimates the zombies, get rid of that ASAP!
8) Nurse each other’s wounds.   You can’t always be in fight-or-flight mode.  At some point, you have to pull back from the zombie horde.  Besides humor, the zombies can steal away empathy. When you’re constantly under stress, you lose your ability to think of anything but survival.  You may lose your ability to find solace in each other. So, find that pause in the you-against-the-world and care for each other’s wounds. Who knows with that intimacy and vulnerability you might even get naked and reconnect with a love scene in the middle of the war.
9) Last one: A zombie’s Never Say Die attitude is worth imitating in pursuing an awesome marriage.

What would you add?

When being great parents disconnects you as a couple

Being a great parent doesn't have to cost you your marriage.Reconnecting when being awesome disconnects you.Day 3 Mental Health Awareness Month, a repost from a FB post for parents: 

In the pursuit of something awesome, like being a great parent, sometimes moms and dads become less than awesome as a spouse.
Just realized this morning, that that is something I am passionate about helping families with.
If you ever find yourself in that space, here’s something I hope will help you talk about it (and maybe skip a session or three of marriage counseling).
Make gentle invitation to a hard conversation with your spouse.
Don’t let feeling neglected, resentful and/or distant build up.
Try saying this, parts of it, or something like it:

I don’t like how this feels right now.
I don’t like where we are right now as a couple.
I miss you.
I don’t want you to feel attacked or blamed but I’m unhappy and I need your help.
I’m sorry for my part in getting us to this place.
I’d like to talk about this.
This is important to me.
I want to be close to you again.
Let’s make a time to talk about it.

Waiting (based on true stories)

Copy of STORIES

She climbs the steps of the extinct volcano and hurries down the path to find her special bench.
The view here overlooks Portland and she wishes he was here to share the beauty of it all.
She does this every day.
She watches the older couple who walk their dog and the young couple who still hold hands go by.
She hears a single pair of footsteps and turns with anticipation but it’s not him.
She feels her face get flush with shame as she reminds herself how silly it is to hope he’ll accidentally show up today.
That’s the only way it could happen, by accident.
Can it really be called waiting if she’s the only one who knows that she’s there?

Some days she hugs herself as the sun sets and the tears fall.
Some days she’s just numb.
She just sits fuming, mad at him for not meeting her here.
For leaving her alone.
But most of all she feels a hopeless anger at herself because she knows every day she sits here she is telling herself the pain of being alone is the cost of not feeling the pain of telling him about the bench, about the life she dreams about sharing with him, the pain of admitting she’s not ok, risking the invitation and him not showing up.
And she hates herself for being scared and for blaming him.

“Honey, I’m going to bed now.”
Shakes her from her reverie and she watches his back as he heads down the hall.
She reaches briefly for him but catches herself and the sob trying to escape her chest.
It’s not just from the regret of giving another evening to Netflix.
“He’s a good man. I know he loves me.” She reminds herself it’s just that the park was looking especially beautiful tonight for some reason.
Another opportunity lost to tell him about the bench she has set aside for them in her heart.

Skip counseling, go on a date instead

Here’s a skip-a-session-of-marriage-counseling-and-go-on-a-date-instead topic to talk about.
Instead of the typical I-Statement:
I feel_____because_____
I want/need_____, would you______.
Try this:
I think our marriage would be better if I______.
I’m sorry I haven’t______.
I will______.
Is there anything else that would help you? Help us?
Is there anything you’d like me do or say more?
Is there anything you’d like me to do or say less?

Instead of focusing on how you are being disappointed and the faults of your spouse, you can focus on your contribution to the problem, apologize for it and commit to working on the only person you can control, yourself.