Tag: marriage counseling

Episode 46 The Courage, Coaching and Counseling Podcast for newlyweds on getting off to a good start in marriage

This solo episode is episode 46 of The Courage, Coaching and Counseling Podcast.

I talk about seven areas that can help couples get off to a good start in marriage. One I’d add since making this video a few years ago is understanding personality styles, attachment and the impact of your family of origin on meaning, roles and expectations.

I wrote a blog to accompany this video that summarizes the areas (not a transcription): http://www.sovannpen.com/first-video-blog-a-message-for-newlyweds/

I’ve done three episodes on marriage this year.

Episode 2 with Scott Waters

Episode 9 with Cindi Doylehttps://youtu.be/PxSOhWU647w

Episode 20 where I give 27 tips on marriage

If you aren’t newlywed but want a fresh start to your marriage this year this blog on being great again in marriage might encourage you: http://www.sovannpen.com/lets-be-great-together/

You can listen to the podcast: https://open.spotify.com/show/5FNLpwjtx98acwQcjkYgAA

This episode: https://anchor.fm/couragecoachingcounseling/episodes/046-Sovann-Pen-Solo-episode-for-newlyweds-on-getting-off-to-a-good-start-in-marriage-e1bk78b

The small, gentle moments in couples counseling

Communication skills and conflict resolution strategies.

I statements.

Parenting strategies.

Talking about sex.

Checking in about chores and who does what.

Coordinating schedules.

Clarifying expectations.

Bravely asking for what you want and need.

Those are some things in marriage counseling can help with.

Sometimes the biggest thing is feeling just a little softer and just a little safer with each other.

I see it when a couple stops talking about their spouse to me and they turn to them and look them gently in the eyes.

Or when they move toward the middle of the couch instead of hugging the edges.

Or when they really hear what’s been said and say, “I’m sorry.”

In those little moments how far you have to go and how much you have to forgive don’t seem so overwhelming.

And you can begin to trust, hope and heal.

“Life is better when we talk”

“You guys need to talk more.
“Ask him. Ask her.”
“Turn to him and tell him. Turn towards her and tell her.”

Often during couples sessions, someone will say, “I don’t know if he…” or “I don’t know if she…”

And it’s not like they mean to talk to me as if the other person isn’t in the room. 
It’s more a complaint, “I don’t know how they feel or what they want so I do or don’t do this…”
Or “I think they won’t approve, or want to, or it’s always been a fight when I’ve brought it up so I won’t ask.”

So they stay in confusion and uncertainty, instead of being transparent and brave and asking clearly and directly for what they want or taking the risk of being vulnerable about what they worry about. It’s easier to be confused than to check and find out what you feared is true: they don’t love you or you can’t rely on them.

And they try to leave it to me to tell their spouse what they need to hear.

But I won’t do it (maybe a little at first, as an example)
Instead, I tell them:

“You guys need to talk more.
“Ask him. Ask her.”
“Turn to him and tell him. Turn towards her and tell her.”

We want to be understood and accepted but we’re scared of revealing that because it would hurt for us to not get this emotional need met. 
But the way we cope with the risk perpetuates feeling alone, misunderstood and rejected.

One of the best things I’ve learned about marriage wasn’t from a counseling professor or textbook, my wife taught me this:

“Life is better when we talk.”

Give it a try.

Be brave.

Go first, if you have to.

If it’s hard, if you aren’t sure how or where to start, learn.

Or ask for help.

If you want to but still are unsure, here’s another blog for more motivation or inspiration.

On marriage and being great together

And two books that can help you talk and listen better:

Stop the Fight!: An Illustrated Guide for Couples: How to Break Free from the 12 Most Common Arguments and Build a Relationship That Lasts

Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

A few ideas for the day after Valentine’s Day

Hi guys!

Long time no blog here.

I hope you had a great Valentine’s Day!
I had a full day in the counseling office then enjoyed some dessert with my family and the start of a movie.

Valentine’s Day can be a lot of fun but after the chocolate and flowers and the reminder to focus on romance and your significant other, what’s next?

Here’s a few blogs I’ve done on marriage that I wrote for my church. I think they can be helpful even if you’re single too, they’re on being loved and the twists and turns of life.

I hope they’ll encourage you to continue to grow closer, improve your communication and problem-solving in your relationships.

Below I’ve also including a month of short videos on marriage that I did for my friends on Facebook.

https://clearcreekpdx.com/2018/how-god-can-strengthen-and-save-your-marriage/
https://clearcreekpdx.com/2018/how-god-can-strengthen-and-save-your-marriage-part-2/
https://clearcreekpdx.com/2019/a-blog-in-three-rich-mullins-songs/

Short Videos on Marriage and Communication

Individual Counseling Can Help Your Marriage

This week’s lesson in marriage counseling: on the importance of individual counseling for couples’ counseling.
It’s often a surprise to couples how important or necessary concurrent individual counseling can be.
There are a least two reasons for this.

1) the hurts and unresolved issues of our individual pasts impact our marriage. Especially when you notice you’ve been stuck in a recurring conflict or pattern.

2) the effect of the hurts of the present; it’s hard to process the grief and regret of what has happened in the conflicted marriage with the one who has been the source of that hurt.

     Your spouse doesn’t even necessarily have to be unsafe or for there to be a lack of trust, sometimes being hurt and having unmet needs can make it too hard to contain the intense emotions of your spouse who is also hurt and discouraged. We sometimes say things we don’t mean or believe in grief and it can cause a lot of fear and pain for your spouse to hear those things when trust is fragile or they are not feeling hopeful and confident about themselves or the state of the marriage.
When we first come together, often our brokenness and empty places compliment the broken places and emptiness in our loved one. It feels good to be together because it feels like everything fits together like a missing puzzle piece or hand fitting in a perfectly custom fit glove.

Finally!

     But with time, the movement of life, growth, change, stress, that brokenness, those differences and unresolved issues become jagged, sharp edges that saw and grate against each other.
And we can get caught in a cycle of how we react to how much that hurts, with what we do and say, causing more hurt.
And how messy and complicated that gets is really hard to do in one couples’ counseling hour a week.

Fighting for Your Marriage: Lessons From The Zombie Apocalypse

My clinical supervisor and mentor once told me this about marriage:
Make sure you don’t bury them [hurt/resentments] alive.
It inspired these lessons from zombie hunting, for reanimating your marriage when it isn’t quite dead but isn’t quite alive.

One way to fight for your marriage is learning how to kill zombies.

The zombies of betrayal, disappointment, bitterness, old patterns, unforgiveness.

Here are few ways surviving the zombie apocalypse can help you fight for your marriage.

1) The zombies are the zombies, not your spouse so don’t take the hatchet to each other’s knees.
2) Sharpen each other’s machetes and fill each other’s chainsaws with gas every day.
3) Find ways to the kill the zombies dead, once and for all.  If you bury them alive they spawn and come back worse than ever.
4) Guttural language, listless shuffle, glassy eyes, aimless wandering…your husband may look like a zombie at times but don’t kill him, he may just be tired after work.
5) The zombies are relentless so remember to have fun while blowing gaping holes in them.  There’s always comic relief needed at some point.
6) If you escape the clutches of the zombie horde but leave your spouse behind to be overrun, in the end, you still lose.
7) Bringing up the past is the toxic fluorescent green sludge that reanimates the zombies, get rid of that ASAP!
8) Nurse each other’s wounds.   You can’t always be in fight-or-flight mode.  At some point, you have to pull back from the zombie horde.  Besides humor, the zombies can steal away empathy. When you’re constantly under stress, you lose your ability to think of anything but survival.  You may lose your ability to find solace in each other. So, find that pause in the you-against-the-world and care for each other’s wounds. Who knows with that intimacy and vulnerability you might even get naked and reconnect with a love scene in the middle of the war.
9) Last one: A zombie’s Never Say Die attitude is worth imitating in pursuing an awesome marriage.

What would you add?

Skip counseling, go on a date instead

Here’s a skip-a-session-of-marriage-counseling-and-go-on-a-date-instead topic to talk about.
Instead of the typical I-Statement:
I feel_____because_____
I want/need_____, would you______.
Try this:
I think our marriage would be better if I______.
I’m sorry I haven’t______.
I will______.
Is there anything else that would help you? Help us?
Is there anything you’d like me do or say more?
Is there anything you’d like me to do or say less?

Instead of focusing on how you are being disappointed and the faults of your spouse, you can focus on your contribution to the problem, apologize for it and commit to working on the only person you can control, yourself.

Five Tips For When Your Marriage Struggles Or Drifts

  

Here’s a quick video I did on Periscope recently. 

If you don’t have time to watch/listen to the video, here’s what I wrote before recording, not a full transcript.

I hope you are well. 

I know some of you aren’t. 
You’ve lost your way. 
You’re marriage is struggling. 
You feel like giving up and that scares you. 
Or you don’t feel anything. 
You just don’t care and you’re not sure if you love your spouse anymore. 
You’re just going through the motions. 

It hurts to lose your best friend. 
Some of you, the isolation of this struggle is making you lose your faith in God and the church. 
It hurts to see your wife so focused on the kids and Pinterest. 
You don’t like seeing her so stressed and unhappy. 
You feel like you’ve failed her. 

It hurts to see your husband so focused on sports, on work. 
You feel rejected by his anger or silence. 
It’s painful to know you’ve drifted apart but not know what to do about it 
It’s discouraging that every time to try to work on it, it just seems to blow up in your face and get worse. 
And it’s demoralizing when you remember when you enjoyed sex but now you just feel used, resentful and unsatisfied with that. 

In the middle of it, there’s moments of hope. 
You still hope you it’ll get better someday. 
Maybe when the kids are older, when you’re less busy. 
But you aren’t sure if you’ll make it. 
Will will be left of the both of you to salvage when the pain is tearing away at your souls, at your love for each other? 

Here’s a few things to find and fight your way back. 

1) Own your part. If you’re on a path of drifting away, stop, assess what is pulling you away or what are you choosing and turn back.  Turn back toward your spouse, toward home.  The home you had in each other. For some of you, this might mean repenting and turning back towards God and dealing with being spiritually off track.  Take back control of what you can.  Stop blameshifting or being victimized by your partner. 

2) Apologize.  Ask forgiveness for your contribution to the problem.  Even if they don’t react well at first.  If there’s a lot of hurt and anger stored up, go slow.  This is hard. 

3) Ask them for what they need or want for things to be better. For them to trust you again.  For them to feel closer, to feel valued and important in your life again.  For them to heal and feel safe with you again.  This can be risky, your spouse may not be open to sharing this because they may not want to be disappointed and hurt.  They may be so hurt or angry that they actually may not want you to succeed.  Try anyway.   

4) Follow up on if it is working.  Set behavioral goals, what you will do and say differently.  Actions and following through on agreements and commitments help to restore trust, not wishful thinking and words.  So checking back in after a week and asking, How did that go?  What went well?  What didn’t?  Did you do what you said you were going to do?  What got in the way?  What do we need to adjust?  What will we work on next? 

5) Ask for help. If this doesn’t work or is too hard.   That can be from a friend, a pastor, a counselor. 

on Fighting in Front of Others

 

 Advice for young couples (and old) 

Have your fights in front of others when you are newly married (or even better: when you are engaged).

Why? Because the damage is extremely hard to undo. Trust me, it sucks.

Here’s just a few things that fighting badly does:

It trains you to trust each other less.

It erodes goodwill, kindness, empathy and generosity.

It reinforces bitterness and hopelessness.

(With hope, a couple can just about work anything, they can regain trust, rekindle feelings of love. Without it, they say things like I love and care for her/him but…)

It brings out your worst and turns you into someone you despise.

You feel out of control.

You become more vulnerable to addictions and sinful choices.

It steals away your fun, your best friend.

It gives you an excuse to focus all your attention on your baby/kids, which has negative connotations for *their* lives.

It makes sexual intimacy (if it is still going down, which when you’re young, a lot of you can still override your feelings to make it work), less about emotional intimacy and more just about drive and just something physical. Which ends up making one or both of you feeling used.

It brings up all your baggage and trauma from your family of origins and puts in a chaotic blender so that it seems like you’ll never get a grip on life or that any growth, healing or progress you’ve made in that area instantly becomes undone whenever you try to JUST HAVE A FREAKING CONVERSATION!

Bottom line: it makes you feel unloved, unwanted, uncared for, unimportant and alone.

I could go on. I’m sure you could add more.

Have your fights in front of others. Don’t just get advice. (Yes, I know this advice).

Don’t just retreat to your respective corners, to your respective cornermen/support people at coffee or online.

Fight to resolutions.

Fight through to agreements.

Let the real-time support of others observing and coaching you, train you that fighting is not bad.

This can transform your experience that every time you try to talk IT DOESN’T WORK! to WE CAN DO THIS!

The more agreements you work through together, the more success you experience, provides tremendous safety and security.

You learn this early on and it will provide a lot of protection and joy in your marriage.

When Marriage Counseling gets hard

 

Sometimes  a marriage needs healing

Sometimes  a marriage requires a resurrection

and how impossible that seems can be very discouraging and frustrating

“It gets worse before it gets better”

Couples don’t really realize how true this is until they start doing the work of marriage counseling. And a lot don’t continue because it’s so hard. 

That’s because feelings like hurt, betrayal, disappointment, that have been stuffed down for years, start to come out.

Even when there’s improvement, that can be a negative too, because then the regret and hurt of “Why couldn’t she or he have done this for me and our marriage before now? ” is just one more reminder of how broken and hopeless it all feels.

There’s a grief at suffering in marriage that comes when your spouse starts treating you the way the could and should have in the first place.

It’s like resetting an incorrectly healed bone break.  It has to be broken again and reset to heal properly.

Hardness, isolation, unhealthy patterns, addictions, bitterness, self-protection, lies – just a few things that have to be broken.

Sometimes false hopes and expectations have to die completely and the myth of certainty and control along with it in order for hope and trust and love – still tentative but now unfettered by the need for certainty – to come alive again. 

Often the worst/hardest part of all, is facing the fears that have been avoided, fears like abandonment, rejection, being unloved, unworthy, unattractive, failure, being alone. 

It feels like death because it is a death.

But there’s life after walking through this valley.