“I feel like you don’t love me.”
“I feel like my boss doesn’t value my work.”
Are these actual feelings?
One way my professors taught me to test whether how I’m “feeling” is an actual emotion, instead of a thought or belief, is to replace the first part of the sentence with “I think…” or “I think that…” Or “It seems like…”
And if it makes sense, then if not actually a feeling, it’s a statement or an idea.
And you can reevaluate how correct or true or complete is.
If it doesn’t make sense, then it is an emotion.
For example,
“I feel hurt.” “I feel overwhelmed.” “I feel frustrated.”
Becomes “I think hurt.” Or “I think overwhelmed.” “It seems like frustrated.”Doesn’t really work. Those are legit feelings.
This is important because when we don’t use clear I-statements and identify our actual emotions it leads to lots of frustration and misunderstanding. For both who is speaking and who is listening. You can end up arguing about the validity of the idea or the statement and miss feeling validated about what you are actually feeling because of that idea. Slapping “I feel like” on an idea doesn’t make a bulletproof. Or “That’s just the way I feel.” It does seem less risky to say this than to get in touch with the more vulnerable emotion underneath it. To argue on a cognitive level, than to risk asking for emotional connection and understanding.
Here are a few resources that can help with increasing your awareness of how you feel and your ability to ask for what you need and want in relationships.
https://www.alanrutherfordlpc.com/resources/poster-emotions
