Tag: communication

On communicating how you feel and receiving validation and support

“I feel like you don’t love me.”
“I feel like my boss doesn’t value my work.”

Are these actual feelings?

One way my professors taught me to test whether how I’m “feeling” is an actual emotion, instead of a thought or belief, is to replace the first part of the sentence with “I think…” or “I think that…” Or “It seems like…”
And if it makes sense, then if not actually a feeling, it’s a statement or an idea.
And you can reevaluate how correct or true or complete is.
If it doesn’t make sense, then it is an emotion.

For example,
“I feel hurt.” “I feel overwhelmed.” “I feel frustrated.”
Becomes “I think hurt.” Or “I think overwhelmed.” “It seems like frustrated.”Doesn’t really work. Those are legit feelings.

This is important because when we don’t use clear I-statements and identify our actual emotions it leads to lots of frustration and misunderstanding. For both who is speaking and who is listening. You can end up arguing about the validity of the idea or the statement and miss feeling validated about what you are actually feeling because of that idea. Slapping “I feel like” on an idea doesn’t make a bulletproof. Or “That’s just the way I feel.” It does seem less risky to say this than to get in touch with the more vulnerable emotion underneath it. To argue on a cognitive level, than to risk asking for emotional connection and understanding.

Here are a few resources that can help with increasing your awareness of how you feel and your ability to ask for what you need and want in relationships.

https://www.alanrutherfordlpc.com/resources/poster-emotions

Click to access ffde20150611-core-fears-assessment-and-the-fear-cycle.pdf

“Life is better when we talk”

“You guys need to talk more.
“Ask him. Ask her.”
“Turn to him and tell him. Turn towards her and tell her.”

Often during couples sessions, someone will say, “I don’t know if he…” or “I don’t know if she…”

And it’s not like they mean to talk to me as if the other person isn’t in the room. 
It’s more a complaint, “I don’t know how they feel or what they want so I do or don’t do this…”
Or “I think they won’t approve, or want to, or it’s always been a fight when I’ve brought it up so I won’t ask.”

So they stay in confusion and uncertainty, instead of being transparent and brave and asking clearly and directly for what they want or taking the risk of being vulnerable about what they worry about. It’s easier to be confused than to check and find out what you feared is true: they don’t love you or you can’t rely on them.

And they try to leave it to me to tell their spouse what they need to hear.

But I won’t do it (maybe a little at first, as an example)
Instead, I tell them:

“You guys need to talk more.
“Ask him. Ask her.”
“Turn to him and tell him. Turn towards her and tell her.”

We want to be understood and accepted but we’re scared of revealing that because it would hurt for us to not get this emotional need met. 
But the way we cope with the risk perpetuates feeling alone, misunderstood and rejected.

One of the best things I’ve learned about marriage wasn’t from a counseling professor or textbook, my wife taught me this:

“Life is better when we talk.”

Give it a try.

Be brave.

Go first, if you have to.

If it’s hard, if you aren’t sure how or where to start, learn.

Or ask for help.

If you want to but still are unsure, here’s another blog for more motivation or inspiration.

On marriage and being great together

And two books that can help you talk and listen better:

Stop the Fight!: An Illustrated Guide for Couples: How to Break Free from the 12 Most Common Arguments and Build a Relationship That Lasts

Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

How To Not Raise Entitled and Enabled Kids: The E’s of Excellent Parenting

Had a fun break with the family for Spring Break.  On the five-hour trip back home, we had a good conversation about parenting.  It started out with the ideas of Entitlement and Enabling vs. Empowering and Equipping your kids. And we ended up thinking of a bunch of different ideas that started with the letter E.  We hope you enjoy it too.

Entitlement.  As parents, we don’t set out to raise entitled kids but it’s easy to justify giving your kids privileged or special treatment by saying you love them and want whats best for them.

Enabled. One of my professors on parenting explained enabling your kids as doing something for them that they could do themselves. Another aspect of enabling your kids is letting them get away with not suffering the consequences of their behavior.  Again, it’s easy to justify this by telling yourself that you want to love and protect your kids.  You want them to know that you always have their back or that you want to show them God’s grace or faithfulness to them.

The problem with this is you as the parent can end up feeling responsible for everything. Raising entitled kids can be exhausting, excruciating and embarrassing.  How does it feel when you are at work or working on a group project and someone on the team doesn’t pull their weight, do their share?
It’s exhausting.  You can end up resenting the other person. Well, it’s the same when your kids don’t pull their weight around the house.  You can end up feeling like you are doing everything (because you are), feeling unappreciated and bitter.

Empowering.  It’s not unloving to require and train your kids to work hard, give their best effort, be diligent and finish what they start.  It’s not cruel to ask them to do things with excellence.  To do chores.  To work for what they get.  To set goals.  To delay gratification.  It’s actually empowering to your kids to give them freedom and responsibility around the house and gradually more as they get older.  A child 8-10 years old could start to help out with laundry.  They certainly could be doing their own laundry by middle school and especially in high school.  It’s actually honoring to them to not give them special privileges, just because.  It’s fine to give them gifts and to show you love them in special ways.  But when they start to expect or feel entitled to have things, or always have things their way, it’s no longer special.  It becomes common.  And it actually sets them up for disappointment and failure later in life because you aren’t teaching them how the real world works.  Their teachers and professors aren’t going to give them special treatment.  Their boss at their work place is going to expect them to work, to problem solve, to take responsibility.

Equipping.  Not enabling or entitling your kids doesn’t mean you don’t love them, it’s doesn’t mean you won’t protect them, that you are leaving them to fend for themselves in the cruel, harsh realities of the world.  Parenting with excellence means you take a coaching and equipping mindset to working with them.  You provide the tools, resources they need and you also train them on how to use those tools.  You explore, process, experiment, debrief and work through things together.  You still have their back and at the same time, you are equipping them to stand on their own, to risk and put themselves out there in different areas, to be brave.

Expectations.  Having healthy expectations is a part of growing and stretching your kids to reach their potential.  As parents, we don’t want to put too high expectations on our kids but what I’ve seen a lot of parents with too low expectations.  Often, parents in the interest of protecting their kids from failure, disappointment or rejection, set the bar low.  Kids are often capable of so much more than we think.  I was watching a jiu jitsu video that talked about the metaphor of a “Goldilocks tension” and I think it applies to expectations.  We don’t want expectations that are “too cold”, too low, and we don’t want expectations that are “too hot”, too high.  We want to set expectations that are “just right”.  Expectations that are too low, lead to boredom and missed potential and growth.  Expectations that are too high, put an adverse amount of stress and pressure on your kids and that can stunt their growth as well.

Empathy.  So, how do you know if your expectations are too high, too low or just right?  You do that by listening and listening well with empathy.  One key to empathy as a parent, is focusing more on what your child may be experiencing and less on what they are doing, on their performance.  And you’re not the only one who needs empathy, your kids do too.

Emotional Intelligence.  Empathy is one of the pillars of emotional and relational intelligence.  EQ has been shown to be more of predictor of a person’s success than intelligence. Delayed gratification is another pillar.

Endurance vs. Expedient.  It’s hard to empower and equip your kids, it requires a lot of trust and courage. On both your parts.  It requires patience because it will be messy.  Things won’t go smoothly at first, things won’t get done as well and as quickly as you would just doing it for them.  But you won’t always be there for them, they will have to grow up and do things on their own someday.

It’s sad, very sad when I’ve seen teenagers treat their single mother with contempt.  Their mother did/does everything for them and these kids had no gratitude for the sacrifices their mom made (or at least they didn’t express it).  It was sad for the kid but also the mom.  She poured out herself, bent over backwards, to love and provide for her child and her child barely could stand her.  They had no respect for her.  They either struggle with selfishness or self-hatred or both.  I’ve seen entitled young adults who struggled with anger and resentment at their parents because they feel ill-equipped for life.  They haven’t had to problem-solve or bear the weight of responsibility and get overwhelmed by the demands of adulthood.  And they struggle with imposter syndrome and feeling behind in life.

So, don’t just give into what’s expedient, what’s easy.  As the kids get older, don’t continue in the habit of taking the path of least resistance.  Learn to be mindful and intentional about your long-term goals with them. And be patient, consistent.  Get help and support if you have to.

Enforce.  One way to be patient and consistent is with enforcing consequences and discipline.  It’s easy to justify being lax with discipline and consequences by telling yourself you are being caring and compassionate and loving.  But often being exhausted and wanting to avoid the stress and upset of conflict is the main reason for not enforcing consequences.  It really isn’t about what’s best for the kids, it’s often what will feel best, for you, in the moment.

Expose and Eliminate the Elephants. Instead of avoiding conflict, instead of building resentment or emotionally manipulating your kids with passive-aggressive indirect behavior, it will benefit you and them to expose and eliminate elephants, to call out entitlement, laziness, disrespect, and other behaviors and attitudes that may be poisoning your relationship and family life.  It’s easier to do this when those negatives are baby elephant size, not full grown elephants.  But even if they are huge, be brave and start to work on it. Sometimes, just the act of exposing them, shrinks them.  If you call it out, then everyone has a chance to be aware and take ownership of making it better instead of it being your solo project.

Example.  Might daughter suggested this one, besides enforcing consequences and making rules and throwing your weight around, she recommends parents need to be good examples of what you are trying to teach and require of your kids.

Energizing.  If you start to be more intentional about equip and empower your kids you will replace exhaustion with energy because you will no longer have to bear all the weight of responsibility for how your kids and home are doing. You will not have to wrestle so much with resentment, bitterness, worry and hurt feelings.

Encouragement.  This is hard work. Remember, your kids aren’t bad.  They may need some maturity, course correction, training and equipping, but they need encouragement and acceptance most of all.  You will need encouragement when they changes you are attempting don’t seem to be working, when you have a bad day, when it seems to be getting worse instead of better.

Enjoyment.  Lastly, implementing and being more intentional about the positive E’s for parenting will not just allow you to experience excellence in parenting.  It will allow you to enjoy the experience of being a parent, of being in a healthy mutual relationship with your kids.

Waiting (based on true stories)

Copy of STORIES

She climbs the steps of the extinct volcano and hurries down the path to find her special bench.
The view here overlooks Portland and she wishes he was here to share the beauty of it all.
She does this every day.
She watches the older couple who walk their dog and the young couple who still hold hands go by.
She hears a single pair of footsteps and turns with anticipation but it’s not him.
She feels her face get flush with shame as she reminds herself how silly it is to hope he’ll accidentally show up today.
That’s the only way it could happen, by accident.
Can it really be called waiting if she’s the only one who knows that she’s there?

Some days she hugs herself as the sun sets and the tears fall.
Some days she’s just numb.
She just sits fuming, mad at him for not meeting her here.
For leaving her alone.
But most of all she feels a hopeless anger at herself because she knows every day she sits here she is telling herself the pain of being alone is the cost of not feeling the pain of telling him about the bench, about the life she dreams about sharing with him, the pain of admitting she’s not ok, risking the invitation and him not showing up.
And she hates herself for being scared and for blaming him.

“Honey, I’m going to bed now.”
Shakes her from her reverie and she watches his back as he heads down the hall.
She reaches briefly for him but catches herself and the sob trying to escape her chest.
It’s not just from the regret of giving another evening to Netflix.
“He’s a good man. I know he loves me.” She reminds herself it’s just that the park was looking especially beautiful tonight for some reason.
Another opportunity lost to tell him about the bench she has set aside for them in her heart.

Skip counseling, go on a date instead

Here’s a skip-a-session-of-marriage-counseling-and-go-on-a-date-instead topic to talk about.
Instead of the typical I-Statement:
I feel_____because_____
I want/need_____, would you______.
Try this:
I think our marriage would be better if I______.
I’m sorry I haven’t______.
I will______.
Is there anything else that would help you? Help us?
Is there anything you’d like me do or say more?
Is there anything you’d like me to do or say less?

Instead of focusing on how you are being disappointed and the faults of your spouse, you can focus on your contribution to the problem, apologize for it and commit to working on the only person you can control, yourself.

on Fighting in Front of Others

 

 Advice for young couples (and old) 

Have your fights in front of others when you are newly married (or even better: when you are engaged).

Why? Because the damage is extremely hard to undo. Trust me, it sucks.

Here’s just a few things that fighting badly does:

It trains you to trust each other less.

It erodes goodwill, kindness, empathy and generosity.

It reinforces bitterness and hopelessness.

(With hope, a couple can just about work anything, they can regain trust, rekindle feelings of love. Without it, they say things like I love and care for her/him but…)

It brings out your worst and turns you into someone you despise.

You feel out of control.

You become more vulnerable to addictions and sinful choices.

It steals away your fun, your best friend.

It gives you an excuse to focus all your attention on your baby/kids, which has negative connotations for *their* lives.

It makes sexual intimacy (if it is still going down, which when you’re young, a lot of you can still override your feelings to make it work), less about emotional intimacy and more just about drive and just something physical. Which ends up making one or both of you feeling used.

It brings up all your baggage and trauma from your family of origins and puts in a chaotic blender so that it seems like you’ll never get a grip on life or that any growth, healing or progress you’ve made in that area instantly becomes undone whenever you try to JUST HAVE A FREAKING CONVERSATION!

Bottom line: it makes you feel unloved, unwanted, uncared for, unimportant and alone.

I could go on. I’m sure you could add more.

Have your fights in front of others. Don’t just get advice. (Yes, I know this advice).

Don’t just retreat to your respective corners, to your respective cornermen/support people at coffee or online.

Fight to resolutions.

Fight through to agreements.

Let the real-time support of others observing and coaching you, train you that fighting is not bad.

This can transform your experience that every time you try to talk IT DOESN’T WORK! to WE CAN DO THIS!

The more agreements you work through together, the more success you experience, provides tremendous safety and security.

You learn this early on and it will provide a lot of protection and joy in your marriage.

First video blog, a message for newlyweds

Here’s a video blog (in three parts) for newlyweds on some areas to watch for as you start married life.  I’ve included a written summary below (not a transcription).

It was fun to make this but hard to organize.

I might make this a blog series to say more in depth about each area.

“You get what you create and you get what you allow.” – Henry Cloud

Here are a few areas that are worth paying attention to early on in marriage, being aware of them and dealing with them proactively can help you create the marriage and family you’ve dreamed about and prevent unhealthy and destructive behaviors, attitudes and patterns from damaging your marriage. Marriage can be the absolute greatest thing, it can also be the hardest, scariest, stressful thing.  Getting off to a good start can be extremely helpful.

Talking about, exploring and working on these areas will help you flesh out what your marriage will look and sound like on the surface and on a deeper level, help you define what it will be at its core, its heart.

1) Practical matters.  Deciding and sorting out what your marriage and home will look like.  Where will everything go? Where will you live?  Who will pay the bills?  Who will take out the trash?  There are dozens or hundreds of little, mundane, everyday choices to sort out.  This is also related to the issue of…

2) Time.

How will you spend your time?  Together and alone.  How will you balance it?  This is something to work through day-to-day, week-to-week.  Pulling back, there is also the question of what will the rhythm of your year look?  How will you spend the holidays?  How will you balance work and leisure and vacations?  And an even bigger picture question, what will you give your lives to?  How will you invest your life, in terms of work and career?  That touches on the bigger question of…

3) Meaning.

What will all this mean?  What will getting married mean to you? Individually and as a couple?  Often, little issues become big issues because there are underlying issues as stake in conflict and in the process of sorting things out at the start of marriage.  Tim Keller in the book The Meaning of Marriage describes a dynamic that a lot of couples face today: a deep disillusionment about marriage, on one hand, and a deep hope or expectation about marriage at the same time.  We can bring a lot of unspoken, deep rooted fears, hurts and hopes to marriage and a few weeks of pre-marital counseling often just touches the surface of them.  Having doubts, second thoughts, anxiety about marriage can be really For Christians, marriage is a symbol of the relationship of Christ and the church; what will that look like for us?

4) Identity.

Who am I now as a married person?  What will be different now?  What will our marriage be?  Even couples that have been together for years can be shaken by the new realities and identity of being married. Where do I end? and where do we begin?  What issues are mine? What issues are ours?  What does the role of being your husband, or wife look like?  Who will I be to you? Will it be what we saw modeled and defined by our parents or will we create something different?

5) Communication and conflict resolution.

Listening well, expressing empathy, giving honest feedback.  Make it a habit to give honest feedback, even if it’s hard and risks conflict.  The pain of feedback early on is much less than the pain of going along and being less than honest and the whole truth coming out later.  Develop language or a ritual of apology, making amends, forgiving and reconciling.  Learn how to support each other during stress and struggle vs. fixing them.  Learn how to ask for help and what you want.  Be assertive and don’t just give in and comply in order to collaborate and create agreements and solutions that work for both of you.

6) Sex. 

Sexual intimacy ideally is a natural expression of the emotional and spiritual intimacy you experience.  It is also something that develops and grows.  Address early on (get help if necessary) struggles, in order to get off to a good start.  Whether you wait for marriage to be sexually intimate or have been prior to marriage, the transition in to marriage and all the changes mentioned above can make this area difficult.  It can be hard to talk about, something that ought to help you feel closer becoming something that pushes you apart. Hurt, rejection, “failure”, anxiety, tension, avoidance, frustration, impatience, feeling used can all quickly enter in to derail this vital area of marital happiness and satisfaction.

7) Stress.

Related to #5.  As a couple, it will help to communicate about health and unhealthy ways to cope and manage stress (and busyness).  Stress often impairs or kills empathy.  Be vigilant at deal with it and other gremlins, like unfair fighting, selfishness, dishonesty.  One of the couples I worked with said it well in describing their struggles: “We had lost our ability to console each other.” Protect that, it’s one of the best things about being married, having someone who can console and support and be there for you.  If not, the person who you turned to for support and comfort can easily become the one who causes hurt and stress.

What do you think?  Is there another area that you would add for newly married couples to pay attention to?

 

10 Obvious-but-we’re-in-counseling-because-we-forgot Marriage Facts

Ten obvious-but-we’re-in-counseling-because-we-forgot Marriage Facts.

Fact #1 : Your spouse is different than you. They just are.

Fact #2: What you believe about those differences and how you react/respond will make or break your marriage.

Fact #3: Your spouse is an adult. You can’t control him or her. The moments you forget this you give yourself permission to weaken your marriage.

Fact #4: Spending time doing fun stuff together and having awesome uninterrupted conversations were two key things that made you say “Hey, we should, like totally, do this together for the rest of our lives!” That and the kissing. (Oh yes, the kissing! More on that later)

Fact #5: You married your spouse because of the strengths and qualities you admired in them, fixating on their weaknesses will make you doubt that decision. If you mentally tear down your spouse, because you are one, you tear yourself down. And it’s not very sexy.

Fact #6: Your spouse is your best friend. Don’t be mean to your best friend.

Fact #7: Honesty is still the best policy. Remember when finally finding someone to be completely open and honest with felt so good? Don’t go back into hiding.

Fact #8 Being adult doesn’t mean being grumpy. Have fun. Simple, obvious, not easy. Make space for it. Ruthlessly deal with stress and busyness. “Neglect” and sacrifice other things and priorities for your spouse, like you used to.

Fact #9 Sex is good. So much to say here. Don’t make excuses. Find your way back to each other, under the sheets.  Whatever takes away or has taken away the longing, desire and urgency – address it. Maturity and the kids’ schedules and getting old together doesn’t mean losing creativity, fun and playfulness. Chase each other around the house even if only metaphorically and behind closed doors and that brief window of time on your weekly calendars.

Fact #10 Marriage is not just about you and your unmet needs.  Not to discount your needs or happiness but remember your purpose, your center.  For me and Julie, it’s our faith and relationships with God. Under stress and conflict and overwhelm it’s easy to go into survival mode.
Remember that you had dreams, purpose, mission, something beyond yourself when you started your life together, something beyond just the two of you.

Remembering this humbles me, makes me feel grateful to have such an amazing spouse. It makes me feel so blessed. It reminds me I’m forgiven and I can forgive, small and big things.

When you step back and consider this, the things that divide you get smaller. And the things that brought you together, that keep you together and will see you through, come back in and empower you to continue to love each other.

Find your way back.

It’s worth it.

Four phrases that start or escalate fights

Here’s a few handy phrases I’ve learned that start or escalate fights in relationships.
These apply to communication with your partner or kids.
(Confession: I may or may not have used these…a time…or three myself)

1) “I shouldn’t have to…”
2) “If you loved me…”
A few examples,  “I shouldn’t have to tell you what I need/want.”  (Well, yes, actually you do need to.  It’s what healthy couples do.)
“If you loved me, I shouldn’t have to ask…” or “If you loved me, you’d remember…”
“I shouldn’t have to explain to you why this is important to me…”

These manage to simultaneously help you feel angry and rejected at the same time.

3) “Why don’t you…” or “Why can’t you…”
Ever notice you rarely get the answer you want if you ask this?
The other person gives you their rationalization and rehearse why they are doing the thing you don’t want them to do.  Moving them further away. Works even faster when you do this unsolicited and unexpectedly.

4) “Seriously?!?” – reinforces your indignation and insults their perspective with just one word.

You don’t even have to say these out loud, that’s just a bonus.
Saying them to yourself, affects your attitude and non-verbal communication as well.
To paraphrase Kevin Leman, nothing starts a fight faster than a superior attitude.