Tag: blogging

Day 6 Where I ask you to share my blog

For my fellow fathers- A question and A story

It’s Day 6 of the Blog Like A Pro Challenge

It’s also the first full day of Spring Break, yay!

Today’s assignment is to ask folks to share my blog and I’m linking a handful of my top posts below for you to check out.

But first another question and storytime.

I wrote this earlier this week but wasn’t sure about sharing it because it may seem strange if you are a new reader and because I feel like I’ve already filled my transparency and vulnerability quote for the week (or month).

Here’s what I wrote initially:

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Guys, I have a question that I’ve been wondering about for 4-5 months.
I’ve been hesitant to ask but it keeps coming up.
Those of you that know me, know I love families and parents and try to help with the challenges of parenting and marriage, right?
Here’s the thing, besides folks who come to me for counseling, I can count on one hand the dads that have asked me about parenting and being a dad.
And half of that was when we had only Katherine, before I went to seminary for counseling.
And that is confusing and sad to me, because it’s something that is so important to me.
I’d love to encourage men to be there for their kids, to be an awesome dad.
And I’ve literally had the chance twice a decade to have that conversation.


So, my question is: Why do you think that is?

I can’t believe dads don’t care.
And I like to think I’m not unapproachable.
But am I?

I realize I may be just be taking this too personal and maybe that’s just how guys are (that’s how I am) with asking for help or talking to other guys and dads about being a father.
But it’s the part I can control. So, if there’s something I could be doing differently to be helpful, I would love for you to let me know.

§§§

I’ve realized a few things since then:

  1. I haven’t asked many other men about parenting myself.  When I have parenting questions I’ve usually gone to books for advice.
  2. Maybe it isn’t just me, maybe this just isn’t something guys do.
  3. One reason this question is so important to me is my desire to find men to mentor, to pass on some lessons I’ve learned.
  4. I’m not alone.  I’ve connected with a few other dads who are blogging on fatherhood and marriage.  I’m grateful.
  5. Because of #1, I want to write and blog to encourage men because that is probably the most likely way to reach and encourage them.  Pretty motivating.

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Here’s the rest of what I wrote earlier this week:

Sometimes Julie and I have folks compliment us on how the kids are doing.
And sometimes I cringe-smile.
Not that there wasn’t a lot grace and love and hardwork involved but
that there was also a lot of fear and insecurity that goes into that too.
And I want to tell people, we are so much the same.
We are as similar as we are different.

20 years ago, Julie was pregnant with Katherine.
I don’t remember much but I do remember being pretty excited and pretty scared at being a dad.
We found out she was a girl, that we had a daughter, when she was born. It was the most amazing thing!
And I was terrified at having a daughter!
I think one thing I’ve done well as a dad is to allow my deep inadequacy to be replaced by the sense of deep dependency on God’s great sufficiency in every challenge that we face as a family.

I wish I had learned that sooner.

Because when my fears and worries were or become the most important thing and distract me from God’s direction and sovereignty, that doesn’t usually go well.

We limit our kids when we give into our fears.
I’m learning that I don’t want my kids to necessarily experience less pain or struggle than me,
I want them
to be braver at life than me.
To have more faith and hope.
And I am very proud that they are, they do.
Or they are well on their way.

We’ve learned a few other things but wanted to share that today.

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So guys (thanks if you’ve read this far) I’m asking you to share this blog but not just for me, for my sake, I’m asking you to think of a father who might be encouraged by this blog, a married couple who might be struggling, a man who may not be a father yet and share this with them.  Maybe they’re like me and find it hard to open up about their kids (For me, it’s easier to talk about porn) or ask for help.

If you are a father and husband who share this same passion and desire to encourage others, I’m asking you to comment, share your blog, let me know you feel me because I need to know you’re out there.  I know I can’t give up on men, because I know how important it is, what’s at stake for families but sometimes I just think it’d be easier to just focus on other things.

Here’s a few of my top or favorite posts:

Do you have what it takes? – for writers, creatives and procrastinators

One on porn

One on listening to your spouse

One on will marriage counseling help?

and another one for when your marriage drifts, with a video

One on Pixar’s Inside Out and Parenting

My top post so far – A letter to my daughters on dating

When Your Audience is Small (& top 10 blogs so far)

 

  photo credit: Paul Bica

I’ve been blogging for the past six months and it has been great.  A lot of fun.

There’s still a lot of work to be done.  I’d like to pick a better looking theme template and eventually start podcasting but I’m pleased with the start.

In this post I’ll share some lessons learned but first a look at my top blog posts so far.

  

My top post, a letter to my daughters on dating, had more views than the next two combined.  It was also the most shared blog.  The share numbers got erased somehow but I think it was shared at least 150 times.  Clearly, it resonated with readers.  I love my girls, it is a topic I’ve thought (agonized) about for awhile.  I think one reason folks may have liked it is a) I poured my heart into that one and b) there aren’t too many posts on daughters and dating that don’t mention shotguns.  That are more serious than humorous and written by a dad, instead of a daughter.

Most of the other top posts have been about marriage, pornography, counseling resources, my About page.  Lately, I’ve been writing more about perfectionism and being brave.  Even though the post on dating and on stress and parenting are my only posts so far towards the top I’m planning on writing more about parenting.  One reason I haven’t written much about parenting is I often use the blog to process and brainstorm current concerns that clients or potential clients may have.  At home, the kids are in a good spot so I haven’t been reading, problem-solving, thinking and working on parenting issues as much as marriage, anxiety, etc.  That being said, I do want to write a parenting book (or two) someday – I’ve got about a 30 chapter outline roughly drawn up – and some of our friends and schoolmates are in a season of life that is reminding me of when the kids were younger and things were more challenging, so I am thinking more.  Feel free to ask any questions or let me know if there’s any parenting topic you’d like to read more about.  I am planning on saying more about the challenges of parenting in the digital age of social media and smartphones.  

One surprising thing about blogging:  when I write things on Facebook I can count on one hand the number of things that were shared by more than 5 people.  And I’ve been writing almost every day for 6 years.  On this blog, in the first 6 months, several blog posts have been shared 10, 20 times.  My daughter told me it’s probably because folks on Facebook are usually scrolling quickly through the content on their timeline while bloggers read blogs differently.  Makes sense to me.  Some of the blogs I’ve posted are the same things that I’ve shared on Facebook.  So, blogging appears to have allowed me to share with a new audience.  Like my colleagues in the Blogging Therapists and Selling the Couch communities on Facebook.

Although, I can’t be 100% sure.  Which brings up another question I’m not sure about; I’ve had several visitors over the past few months but haven’t had much interaction, feedback or comments.  I’ve had a bit on Facebook with my friends when I post but even though I try to ask open ended questions and really am interested in the answers, most folks haven’t commented or asked questions in return. Do you have any ideas why?  Or how I might get more engagement here?  The reason I ask is I’d really like this blog to be as helpful to readers as possible.

Thanks to those of you who have commented here, elsewhere online, or in person about the blog.  It’s been really encouraging.

Three posts I’m surprised haven’t been more popular are The B Word, Smart People Anxiety and Stuff Therapists Like.  Three different audiences for those posts: parents, folks with anxiety, folks who are thinking about counseling or starting counseling; four actually, the last post is also for therapists who love Brene Brown too. 

My audience is still small.  Some days I wonder if it’s worth taking the time. But I know it is.

I did a Periscope video about things I remind myself of when I get discouraged about not reaching more folks.  The video was one of my favorite Periscopes so far because of the interaction with the viewers.  It’s also amusing because I basically regurgiate the encouragement I’ve received from my friends Steven Shomler and Marc Schelske, local bloggers, authors and pastors.  I hope others who blog, write, therapists who are starting out or trying to survive in private practice, anyone who’s trying to build their platform, make videos on Periscope and get their voice heard will be encouraged by this video or the summary below.

Here’s a few quick suggestions for When Your Audience Is Small from the video.  

1) Everything I write is a memo to self.  I write because I need hope.  I need encouragement.  I write because I want to have a better marriage, be a better dad, a better counselor, to grow in my faith.  Writing is self-care.  Writing is healing.  

2) Stick to it because it’s needed.  If I need the words I write as parent, as a husband, someone else probably does too. Your voice matters. Today, you may write or record something that someone may not read until years later when they Google a question or problem and they come across your blog. I know what I write on here is needed, even if people don’t realize yet because a lot of what I write here is exactly what I tell my clients in the counseling office. I write things I wish they had read before things got worse or so hard to fix.  I write with the hope that you won’t ever have to come see me or another counselor.  

Yes, there’s lots of blogs. Yes, there’s lots of coaches and counselors and writers out there.  Your perspective, experiences, creativity are unique and the audience that needs you is out there.  And you’ll find them or they’ll find you eventually.  If you don’t give up.

3) It’s practice.  In the meantime, while your audience is small, you’re practicing.  I’m practicing right now.  Getting slowly better and more confident.  Not everything I write works.  But it’s preparing me to communicate and teach and counsel with more clarity and effectiveness.  If your audience is small, it could be a season of growth and focusing you and preparing you to step up at just the right time, in the right way, with just the words to mee the need of a moment you never dreamed of. This has happened to me several times.  

4)  What you blog or Periscope about you think about 24/7 anyway. You might as well write it down or sit in front of your phone and hit “publish” or “record”. Even if you have an audience of 1 or 1000, what are you passionate about?  What do you have trouble turning your brain off about?  I am constantly thinking about marriage, parenting, mood disorders, self-care, relationships.  I love thinking of new ways to communicate and teach counseling principles, to model and teach counseling as a creative narrative process.  I heard an interview with Seth Godin where the host asked him how he writes every day.  He replied that he doesn’t have trouble writing every day because he doesn’t have a problem talking every day, he doesn’t have a problem thinking every day.  We all think and talk every day, we could write plenty, we just have to deal with the resistance and the fear that it’s not good enough.

5) Have fun & experiment.  This suggestion can help with the resistance and fear.  Have fun.  I’m still trying to figure out blog length, content, tone.  I’m trying to incorporate more of my sense of humor, I think a few posts have it but not enough. So far.  I’ve been having fun learning how to use Canva app to make the graphics for the blog posts.  

6) You can’t skip this part.  You can’t skip the stage of a small audience.  You can get lucky and have a blog post go viral for some mysterious or fortunate event.  But for the most part you have to pay your dues and learn the craft and work hard.  I can’t go from 30-400 views to 4000 or 10,000.  Being focused and purposeful now, in the present, is all I can control and enjoy.  Thinking too far ahead, feeling discontent, envious of others or worried about it are all distractions and prevent us from doing good work now.  Besides, when your platform grows and you have more readers and viewers, that just brings the pressure to keep them engaged and continue to produce quality content.  

7) Focus on building up people and you will build a tribe.  If you focus on a broad impact – on popularity you may miss impacting and influencing people deeply.  If you focus on going deep, on impacting people deeply, you have a chance to do both.  

8) Focus on being helpful, instead of good.  Ryan O’Hara on the Periscope video commented “Helpful before Huge”.  I really liked that. I’ve been reading Michael Port‘s Steal The Show book (great trainer on public speaking, has a podcast for his book too) and in it he says if you focus on being good, you’re focused on the wrong person: you.  If you focus on being helpful, you are focused on the right person and it will be good.  

These few points have been things I’ve tried to remind myself of in the past 6 months blogging and the past two months making videos on Periscope.  I hope they will encourage you if you get discouraged about a small audience.  

I’m curious, what are you writing or speaking about these days?  Or thinking about sharing with others?

What do you tell yourself to get through the days when it’s hard to put yourself out there?

For those of you who have been writing awhile or have moved beyond small audiences, do you have any advice for me?

Starting in the face of fear and perfectionism

Here’s a post mostly for my counselor friends who are building their practice or platform. But it’ll apply to anyone wanting to start something, like my blogging and writing friends, and my friends who are on the verge of making a change or procrastinating.

Here’s a pic of my blog stats for the past few months.
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Didn’t really know what to expect. I said a little bit about what I’ve learned in the audio blog this past week.
The first month I had 155 visitors. In June, 293. And so far in July, 613. So doubling each month. I’m not sure that’ll continue but it’s encouraging.

One thing that surprised me: in the six years I’ve been on Facebook, I’ve never had anything I’ve written or posted be shared more than 4-5 times. And I post a lot! But in the past three months I’ve blogged about 25 times and half of those posts have been shared at least 10 times. A few have even been shared more than 40 times. What I blog about isn’t much different than what those FB posts were but I guess blogging and blog reading is different. My daughter says one reason is FB readers are just quickly scrolling through their feed at different places and times of the day where they may not have the time to read, engage or share. That makes sense.

I’ve also learned this since starting:
image

You can’t grow, learn, improve, achieve what you want, get to where you want to go unless or until you start.
So you might as well begin.

Just start.

Starting before you’re ready is a great antidote to perfectionism because it exposes the lies perfectionism fills your mind with.
The lies that something bad will happen, that you’ll be rejected, criticized, embarrasses.
Maybe you will feel that little but what I’ve learned is that you’ll survive; the flaws and mistakes, imperfections, won’t kill you.
And people are more encouraging and supportive than you imagined.

Thanks for reading my blog so far.
If you are a baby counselor or aspiring writer like me, I hope you are building your platform and encourage you to start your own blog.
I’m also drawing inspiration from this workbook and am thinking about forming a monthly Google Hangout group to work through it together. Let me know if you are interested in joining.

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Something a little different: an audio blog

Had the day off today so had some time to go to lunch and was thinkIng about this Andy Stanley quote

“Do for one what you wish you could do for everyone. Because if we all did for one what we wish we could do for everyone, it might change the world. But certainly, it would change one person’s world. It may even change your world.”

I pulled out my iPad to take an audio note to capture some thoughts to write up later for a blog and then I thought, Why not just post the audio?

It may not be polished or professional and you’ll hear chatter and street noise but if you give it a listen I think you’ll see why it’s something I’d like you to hear from me, not just read.

It may be completely wrong but I’m fine if it’s a mistake. I’m reading Seth Godin’s Poke The Box and it’s inspiring me to just initiate, poke the box, and see what happens.

I’m not waiting around anymore, like I did for years, to have everything in place.  I want to do a podcast eventually. In the meantime, this is practice and learning. So, thanks for bearing with me. Feel free to give me feedback, would love to hear if you have any advice.

Blessings!

Here’s the link, my first audio blog.