“You guys need to talk more.
“Ask him. Ask her.”
“Turn to him and tell him. Turn towards her and tell her.”
Often during couples sessions, someone will say, “I don’t know if he…” or “I don’t know if she…”
And it’s not like they mean to talk to me as if the other person isn’t in the room.
It’s more a complaint, “I don’t know how they feel or what they want so I do or don’t do this…”
Or “I think they won’t approve, or want to, or it’s always been a fight when I’ve brought it up so I won’t ask.”
It’s a way of saying, “This is what I’m afraid you think or feel about me. It’s why I’m always walking around on eggshells with you.”
So they stay in confusion and uncertainty, instead of being transparent and brave and asking clearly and directly for what they want or taking the risk of being vulnerable about what they worry about. It’s easier to be confused than to check and find out what you feared is true: they don’t love you or you can’t rely on them.
And they try to leave it to me to tell their spouse what they need to hear.
But I won’t do it (maybe a little at first, as an example)
Instead, I tell them:
“You guys need to talk more.
“Ask him. Ask her.”
“Turn to him and tell him. Turn towards her and tell her.”
We want to be understood and accepted but we’re scared of revealing that because it would hurt for us to not get this emotional need met.
But the way we cope with the risk perpetuates feeling alone, misunderstood and rejected.
These videos are helpful on three things that make communication difficult: criticism, defensiveness and contempt.
