My guest for episodes 33 & 34 of The Courage, Coaching and Counseling Podcast is Kristen Hallinan. The video and audio for episode 34 will be released later this week.
You can watch episode 33 on YouTube or listen on Anchor or your favorite podcast app.
I’m sharing Kristen’s responses to the questions I sent her before our interview.
1) Your background and what you do?
Professionally, I have a degree in Business Marketing and before kids, I opened/helped operate a local boutique chain of children’s salons. I then stayed home raising babies for the next 9 years. During this time I led MOPS groups and volunteered with MOPS International. This led to me becoming the Director of Development at MOPS full-time. We’ve since moved from CO to TX where I am writing and speaking for groups of women, encouraging tough conversations that lead to freedom from guilt, toxic relationships, and whatever might be holding them back from living a full life in Christ.
2) Your specialties or unique message?
I am so honored when I have the opportunity to speak to women, I don’t want to waste a single word. I encourage them in boldness and bravery to use their voice, lean into hard conversations and live their life with intentionality. I often speak on the topics of Autism, parenting, marriage, mental health, family identity, and healing from generational toxicity.
3) What have been some challenges and defining moments in your life that have shaped you?
I grew up in a very toxic home, although it took me until adulthood to realize it. I have been unlearning the unhealthy thought and behavior patterns ever since, discovering how to live life with intention. I did not grow up in a home with faith- my father is still an atheist and my mom was raised Catholic, but was not practicing. I became a Christian as a young adult in college in the midst of making terrible, self-destructive choices. I had a tremendous amount of pain from a childhood of emotional manipulation and my dad’s leaving the family when I was in high school. I was coping in all the wrong ways. Since beginning to live my life with Christ, I have begun to heal my mental health, learn how to set boundaries, and discover who I (really) am. I am determined to change my family legacy by healing from generational toxicity and not allow it to pass onto my children.
We have four joy-filled, spunky kids that we love to pieces. Our oldest has Autism, and although we have had him in countless therapies, counselors, etc. since the age of four, he wasn’t diagnosed properly until age 11. I’ve struggled with the guilt of not serving him well for all those years, although we have already seen so much redeemed in the past two years since his diagnosis.
Just before we moved to TX two years ago, I had to ask my mom to leave my home (she was living with us at the time), forcing her into homelessness. It was absolutely devastating, but necessary to protect my children. She was so mentally/emotionally unhealthy, I had no other option. If this is a topic you’d like to dive into, I am definitely willing.
4) What was being Director of Development for MOPS like? What did you love about that role?
I adored working for MOPS just as much as I had always hoped. I had the opportunity to talk to countless women and couples that had their lives changed by the ministry, and that was such a privilege. I believe that the years of parenting young children can be a unique storm of loneliness, difficult years for a young marriage, and just feeling really lost and overwhelmed with responsibility. Knowing Christ and living in close community with other believers makes all the difference for so many women.
5) Tell us what lead you to write your article for Relevant. What did you learn through writing about your family and healing?
I’ve been on the healing journey ever since we lost our baby 9 years ago and I went to counseling for the first time. I thought I was going to see a counselor about the grief I felt for the baby, and then our sessions quickly turned toward the pain I had with my family, my mom especially. For the past two years in particular I’ve done EMDR and really focused on making changes that would result in the healthier culture I wanted in our family. A stronger marriage and more intentional parenting for sure, but also recognizing how my trauma still shows up and having the courage to not only face it, but make better choices. For example, when my husband is too tired to talk to me about work and I feel shut out, my reaction has been way bigger than it needed to be. I felt rejected which was a trigger from being abandoned by my dad and never really embraced by my mom. Those feelings still come up for me, but when I can recognize them for what they are, I am able to respond in a more appropriate way.
6) Tell me about your family, your role or your identity as a mom. Any advice for other moms?
My identity as a mom has grown dramatically over the past thirteen years (our kids are 13, 11, 7, and 3). Our oldest is Autistic, our third has struggled with anxiety/depression/ADHD and hearing loss. I’ve learned from motherhood what it looks like to be an advocate when a child is struggling/being bullied, and also what it means to teach them to advocate for themselves. My mom was emotionally unavailable. I’ve learned over time what it means to be vulnerable with my own emotions to the kids as well as teaching them how to recognize/embrace their own emotions. I mother with future adults in mind. How can I create responsible, independent beings who are brave and want to take on the world, but also have a heart soft enough to live life to the fullest? I want to teach them HOW to think more than WHAT to think. I want them to value their faith above all else- and because of that learn to love really well.
7) What are some lessons you’ve learned about marriage and parenting? Or lessons you’re currently learning?
I feel like I could write you a novel here, but I will try to be brief! We were married young (@ 21 and 20) and we’ve been married for nearly 15 years. The most impactful lesson we’ve learned about marriage: Communication.
He is an internal processor and I am external. He has few words to say and I have rivers full. He communicates almost exclusively with thoughts/logic and I lean much more toward emotion. We’ve learned to communicate our expectations instead of leaving our partner to guess. We’ve both learned to take steps toward the other one in our communication and this has made a HUGE difference. (Happy to talk more about this/give examples if you think it would be interesting or useful to your audience.)
8) What would you tell your younger self?
Three things:
1) I would tell my younger self about Jesus! I would love to have given my younger self the gift of hope.
2) I would tell my younger self that I deserve love and respect. I spent far too many years believing I must not deserve it because it wasn’t given to me.
3) I have the power to change.
9) What resources or advice would you like to share with listeners?
I would encourage listeners to be intentional about their family identity. Remember, you get to write your story! No matter what you inherited or what kind of childhood you had, healing is possible. This can require some hard decisions and the bravery to set boundaries with your family. Jesus has set specific purposes for each and every one of us and if we are spending all of our time and energy battling toxic relationships, we won’t ever be able to fully step into our calling. Jesus didn’t spend all his time trying to please toxic people and neither should we.
10) What books or people have been helpful, early in your career or lately?
Books I’ve read that have given me perspective/encouragement as I’ve healed from generational toxicity and trauma include:
Hillbilly Elegy by JD Vance
Will the Circle be Unbroken by Sean Dietrich
When to Walk Away by Gary Thomas
Forgiving What You Can’t Forget by Lysa Terkeurst
The Complicated Heart by Sarah Mae
Love Does by Bob Goff
Mothers Who Can’t Love by Susan Forward
Hallelujah Anyway by Anne Lamott
Miracles and Other Reasonable Things by Sarah Bessey
If you are a writer/speaker:
Writing Down the Bones by Natalie Goldberg
Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott
Talk like Churchill, Stand like Lincoln by James C. Humes
Kristen’s Relevant Magazine article, “Breaking a Bad Family Cycle Is Tough But Not Impossible”
Connect with Kristen on Instagram.
You can learn more about Kristen, read her writing and sign up for her free checklist to help facilitate a conversation with your child about their mental health on her website KristenHallinan.com.
