It’s Day 6 of the Blog Like A Pro Challenge
It’s also the first full day of Spring Break, yay!
Today’s assignment is to ask folks to share my blog and I’m linking a handful of my top posts below for you to check out.
But first another question and storytime.
I wrote this earlier this week but wasn’t sure about sharing it because it may seem strange if you are a new reader and because I feel like I’ve already filled my transparency and vulnerability quote for the week (or month).
Here’s what I wrote initially:
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Guys, I have a question that I’ve been wondering about for 4-5 months.
I’ve been hesitant to ask but it keeps coming up.
Those of you that know me, know I love families and parents and try to help with the challenges of parenting and marriage, right?
Here’s the thing, besides folks who come to me for counseling, I can count on one hand the dads that have asked me about parenting and being a dad.
And half of that was when we had only Katherine, before I went to seminary for counseling.
And that is confusing and sad to me, because it’s something that is so important to me.
I’d love to encourage men to be there for their kids, to be an awesome dad.
And I’ve literally had the chance twice a decade to have that conversation.
So, my question is: Why do you think that is?
I can’t believe dads don’t care.
And I like to think I’m not unapproachable.
But am I?
I realize I may be just be taking this too personal and maybe that’s just how guys are (that’s how I am) with asking for help or talking to other guys and dads about being a father.
But it’s the part I can control. So, if there’s something I could be doing differently to be helpful, I would love for you to let me know.
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I’ve realized a few things since then:
- I haven’t asked many other men about parenting myself. When I have parenting questions I’ve usually gone to books for advice.
- Maybe it isn’t just me, maybe this just isn’t something guys do.
- One reason this question is so important to me is my desire to find men to mentor, to pass on some lessons I’ve learned.
- I’m not alone. I’ve connected with a few other dads who are blogging on fatherhood and marriage. I’m grateful.
- Because of #1, I want to write and blog to encourage men because that is probably the most likely way to reach and encourage them. Pretty motivating.
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Here’s the rest of what I wrote earlier this week:
Sometimes Julie and I have folks compliment us on how the kids are doing.
And sometimes I cringe-smile.
Not that there wasn’t a lot grace and love and hardwork involved but
that there was also a lot of fear and insecurity that goes into that too.
And I want to tell people, we are so much the same.
We are as similar as we are different.
20 years ago, Julie was pregnant with Katherine.
I don’t remember much but I do remember being pretty excited and pretty scared at being a dad.
We found out she was a girl, that we had a daughter, when she was born. It was the most amazing thing!
And I was terrified at having a daughter!
I think one thing I’ve done well as a dad is to allow my deep inadequacy to be replaced by the sense of deep dependency on God’s great sufficiency in every challenge that we face as a family.
I wish I had learned that sooner.
Because when my fears and worries were or become the most important thing and distract me from God’s direction and sovereignty, that doesn’t usually go well.
We limit our kids when we give into our fears.
I’m learning that I don’t want my kids to necessarily experience less pain or struggle than me,
I want them
to be braver at life than me.
To have more faith and hope.
And I am very proud that they are, they do.
Or they are well on their way.
We’ve learned a few other things but wanted to share that today.
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So guys (thanks if you’ve read this far) I’m asking you to share this blog but not just for me, for my sake, I’m asking you to think of a father who might be encouraged by this blog, a married couple who might be struggling, a man who may not be a father yet and share this with them. Maybe they’re like me and find it hard to open up about their kids (For me, it’s easier to talk about porn) or ask for help.
If you are a father and husband who share this same passion and desire to encourage others, I’m asking you to comment, share your blog, let me know you feel me because I need to know you’re out there. I know I can’t give up on men, because I know how important it is, what’s at stake for families but sometimes I just think it’d be easier to just focus on other things.
Here’s a few of my top or favorite posts:
Do you have what it takes? – for writers, creatives and procrastinators
One on listening to your spouse
One on will marriage counseling help?
and another one for when your marriage drifts, with a video
One on Pixar’s Inside Out and Parenting
My top post so far – A letter to my daughters on dating
Great stuff, Sovann. I think we men have a harder time asking for help, especially regarding parenting and/or marriage, because we aren’t as easily vulnerable as women.
Asking for help can sometimes feel like an admission to inadequacy. At least, that’s how we worry it will be perceived. Once we swallow our pride and realize the resource we men can be to each other, I think we’ll start to see a lot of changed families.
I look forward to reading more.
So true Adam, I like what Brene Brown says about vulnerability, she says it’s actually courage.
Glad we connected last week.
Thanks for reading, I really appreciate it and your feedback!
Hey Sovann. I’ve been enjoying your blog. Thanks for writing.
Concerning your question of, “Why aren’t guys asking for counseling/help about parenting.” I have a couple of theories.
My background is that I was a pastor for 11 years before becoming a Chaplain (USAF). I desperately wanted to mentor/disciple guys; but it rarely seemed to happen. It was always the exception, not the rule. Ladies were always willing to meet in small groups, or pair up with other ladies. But guys, just never seemed to get it.
So, this is what I’ve come to believe:
1) Most guys don’t want to be considered weak in just about any area. We especially don’t desire to be seen as an inadequate “man” or “dad.” So, asking for help shows our inadequacy. It dispells the illusion of sufficiency. Our egos have a problem with that.
2) Guys are competitive, and don’t want help from other guys. Again, we don’t want to show weakness for potential rivals.
3) Some guys are clueless of their need. They do the same things their dad did to/for them. They think they’ve “got this,” yet are failing miserably. Afterall, they “bring home the bacon don’t they?!” They “put the roof over their family’s head.” Why should they have to worry about anything else.
Of course, you and I know how woefully inadequate those ideas are for authentic manhood/dadhood.
Just some thoughts.
Tim
“Hope is our weapon against the Darkness.”
Thank you so much Tim for sharing your perspective. Those are great points. I was preparing to do Army Chaplaincy early on in seminary, share your same heart for men.
How do you break through #3?
Unfortunately, I meet with men and couples after lots of damage has been done. One main reason I’m writing.
Thanks again for writing, this comment was like a guest blog!