Category: Uncategorized

Dear Jesus, thank you for Starbucks

  

Dear Jesus,
Thank you for Starbucks.
Thank you that so many young women and men (some of them bible college and seminary students preparing for ministry) are able to bless their neighbors and co-workers and glorify You with their work there. 
Thank you for the Pink Martini Christmas CD that I picked up there.
Thank you for the countless prayers and Bible studies that have been able to eavesdrop on that remind me that you are at work, that I’m not alone in wanting to live for you in Portland.
Thank you for the cardboard boxes full of coffee that keep us awake when we gather in your name.
Thank you the cups of coffee in hand help seekers and people who struggle with social anxiety feel a little less awkward and a little less afraid to talk to others at these gatherings.
Thank you for the many hours of reading and study and prayer and seeking your will and dreaming about the future and thinking about your plans for my life that I’ve spent there.
Thank you for everyone who’s met with me there – individuals, book, bible study & mens groups – that encouraged me in my faith.
Thank you for the the meetings that I’ve been able to have there with people who were struggling and the opportunities to pray with them
And most importantly of all thank you for the years, the multiple times and hours spent with my children there eating overpriced pastries, reading comic books, sitting and talking, making memories, talking about You before and after church.
Amen. 
‪#‎CupsContainCoffee‬
‪#‎ChristiansContainChrist‬

When Your Audience is Small (& top 10 blogs so far)

 

  photo credit: Paul Bica

I’ve been blogging for the past six months and it has been great.  A lot of fun.

There’s still a lot of work to be done.  I’d like to pick a better looking theme template and eventually start podcasting but I’m pleased with the start.

In this post I’ll share some lessons learned but first a look at my top blog posts so far.

  

My top post, a letter to my daughters on dating, had more views than the next two combined.  It was also the most shared blog.  The share numbers got erased somehow but I think it was shared at least 150 times.  Clearly, it resonated with readers.  I love my girls, it is a topic I’ve thought (agonized) about for awhile.  I think one reason folks may have liked it is a) I poured my heart into that one and b) there aren’t too many posts on daughters and dating that don’t mention shotguns.  That are more serious than humorous and written by a dad, instead of a daughter.

Most of the other top posts have been about marriage, pornography, counseling resources, my About page.  Lately, I’ve been writing more about perfectionism and being brave.  Even though the post on dating and on stress and parenting are my only posts so far towards the top I’m planning on writing more about parenting.  One reason I haven’t written much about parenting is I often use the blog to process and brainstorm current concerns that clients or potential clients may have.  At home, the kids are in a good spot so I haven’t been reading, problem-solving, thinking and working on parenting issues as much as marriage, anxiety, etc.  That being said, I do want to write a parenting book (or two) someday – I’ve got about a 30 chapter outline roughly drawn up – and some of our friends and schoolmates are in a season of life that is reminding me of when the kids were younger and things were more challenging, so I am thinking more.  Feel free to ask any questions or let me know if there’s any parenting topic you’d like to read more about.  I am planning on saying more about the challenges of parenting in the digital age of social media and smartphones.  

One surprising thing about blogging:  when I write things on Facebook I can count on one hand the number of things that were shared by more than 5 people.  And I’ve been writing almost every day for 6 years.  On this blog, in the first 6 months, several blog posts have been shared 10, 20 times.  My daughter told me it’s probably because folks on Facebook are usually scrolling quickly through the content on their timeline while bloggers read blogs differently.  Makes sense to me.  Some of the blogs I’ve posted are the same things that I’ve shared on Facebook.  So, blogging appears to have allowed me to share with a new audience.  Like my colleagues in the Blogging Therapists and Selling the Couch communities on Facebook.

Although, I can’t be 100% sure.  Which brings up another question I’m not sure about; I’ve had several visitors over the past few months but haven’t had much interaction, feedback or comments.  I’ve had a bit on Facebook with my friends when I post but even though I try to ask open ended questions and really am interested in the answers, most folks haven’t commented or asked questions in return. Do you have any ideas why?  Or how I might get more engagement here?  The reason I ask is I’d really like this blog to be as helpful to readers as possible.

Thanks to those of you who have commented here, elsewhere online, or in person about the blog.  It’s been really encouraging.

Three posts I’m surprised haven’t been more popular are The B Word, Smart People Anxiety and Stuff Therapists Like.  Three different audiences for those posts: parents, folks with anxiety, folks who are thinking about counseling or starting counseling; four actually, the last post is also for therapists who love Brene Brown too. 

My audience is still small.  Some days I wonder if it’s worth taking the time. But I know it is.

I did a Periscope video about things I remind myself of when I get discouraged about not reaching more folks.  The video was one of my favorite Periscopes so far because of the interaction with the viewers.  It’s also amusing because I basically regurgiate the encouragement I’ve received from my friends Steven Shomler and Marc Schelske, local bloggers, authors and pastors.  I hope others who blog, write, therapists who are starting out or trying to survive in private practice, anyone who’s trying to build their platform, make videos on Periscope and get their voice heard will be encouraged by this video or the summary below.

Here’s a few quick suggestions for When Your Audience Is Small from the video.  

1) Everything I write is a memo to self.  I write because I need hope.  I need encouragement.  I write because I want to have a better marriage, be a better dad, a better counselor, to grow in my faith.  Writing is self-care.  Writing is healing.  

2) Stick to it because it’s needed.  If I need the words I write as parent, as a husband, someone else probably does too. Your voice matters. Today, you may write or record something that someone may not read until years later when they Google a question or problem and they come across your blog. I know what I write on here is needed, even if people don’t realize yet because a lot of what I write here is exactly what I tell my clients in the counseling office. I write things I wish they had read before things got worse or so hard to fix.  I write with the hope that you won’t ever have to come see me or another counselor.  

Yes, there’s lots of blogs. Yes, there’s lots of coaches and counselors and writers out there.  Your perspective, experiences, creativity are unique and the audience that needs you is out there.  And you’ll find them or they’ll find you eventually.  If you don’t give up.

3) It’s practice.  In the meantime, while your audience is small, you’re practicing.  I’m practicing right now.  Getting slowly better and more confident.  Not everything I write works.  But it’s preparing me to communicate and teach and counsel with more clarity and effectiveness.  If your audience is small, it could be a season of growth and focusing you and preparing you to step up at just the right time, in the right way, with just the words to mee the need of a moment you never dreamed of. This has happened to me several times.  

4)  What you blog or Periscope about you think about 24/7 anyway. You might as well write it down or sit in front of your phone and hit “publish” or “record”. Even if you have an audience of 1 or 1000, what are you passionate about?  What do you have trouble turning your brain off about?  I am constantly thinking about marriage, parenting, mood disorders, self-care, relationships.  I love thinking of new ways to communicate and teach counseling principles, to model and teach counseling as a creative narrative process.  I heard an interview with Seth Godin where the host asked him how he writes every day.  He replied that he doesn’t have trouble writing every day because he doesn’t have a problem talking every day, he doesn’t have a problem thinking every day.  We all think and talk every day, we could write plenty, we just have to deal with the resistance and the fear that it’s not good enough.

5) Have fun & experiment.  This suggestion can help with the resistance and fear.  Have fun.  I’m still trying to figure out blog length, content, tone.  I’m trying to incorporate more of my sense of humor, I think a few posts have it but not enough. So far.  I’ve been having fun learning how to use Canva app to make the graphics for the blog posts.  

6) You can’t skip this part.  You can’t skip the stage of a small audience.  You can get lucky and have a blog post go viral for some mysterious or fortunate event.  But for the most part you have to pay your dues and learn the craft and work hard.  I can’t go from 30-400 views to 4000 or 10,000.  Being focused and purposeful now, in the present, is all I can control and enjoy.  Thinking too far ahead, feeling discontent, envious of others or worried about it are all distractions and prevent us from doing good work now.  Besides, when your platform grows and you have more readers and viewers, that just brings the pressure to keep them engaged and continue to produce quality content.  

7) Focus on building up people and you will build a tribe.  If you focus on a broad impact – on popularity you may miss impacting and influencing people deeply.  If you focus on going deep, on impacting people deeply, you have a chance to do both.  

8) Focus on being helpful, instead of good.  Ryan O’Hara on the Periscope video commented “Helpful before Huge”.  I really liked that. I’ve been reading Michael Port‘s Steal The Show book (great trainer on public speaking, has a podcast for his book too) and in it he says if you focus on being good, you’re focused on the wrong person: you.  If you focus on being helpful, you are focused on the right person and it will be good.  

These few points have been things I’ve tried to remind myself of in the past 6 months blogging and the past two months making videos on Periscope.  I hope they will encourage you if you get discouraged about a small audience.  

I’m curious, what are you writing or speaking about these days?  Or thinking about sharing with others?

What do you tell yourself to get through the days when it’s hard to put yourself out there?

For those of you who have been writing awhile or have moved beyond small audiences, do you have any advice for me?

When you mess up

  

Made a mistake on my last Periscope broadcast on private practice and platform building.

I tried filming in landscape mode, it looked fine from my perspective. But for viewers of the broadcast it was upside down.

And, when I tried to share books and websites I recommend, they ended up backwards and upside down! 

Instead of staying down, disappointed and embarrassed I decided to just write down some learning from it.

Our mistakes are just learning and progress.

Sometimes it’s just a reminder of being human.

And really, I wouldn’t want to be anything else.

That would be weird. 

A short note to perfectionists 

  

Don’t worry about being perfect.
You’re not fooling anyone.
So, really, why try?

You’ve been imperfect all your life.
You’ve got lots of practice.
And, here’s the thing:
It hasn’t killed you so far.

So, just show up.
Relax.
Have fun.

Stop with the 
over-thinking & “preparing”
the contingency planning
the risk and image management
… with the control

There’s a whole fellowship of the broken and imperfect
waiting for you to join in the celebration
of living a life at ease
with who you are

Waiting to 
play
grow
learn and
be awesome 
with you.

Trust me, you won’t be alone.
What you’re doing, trying to be perfect, is lonely.
There’s lots and lots of us out here.

on being discontent with brokenness

  

A man walking through a desert happens upon an oasis,

He doesn’t take a moment to reflect on why he is thirsty.
He doesn’t ask if he should drink the water, if it’s his right or if it’s okay.
He doesn’t berate and beat themselves up for their need for water.
He doesn’t analyze the choices that left him desolate and wandering in the desert.
He doesn’t criticize himself for being dirty or not having a proper cup to drink with.
He desperately and joyously dives in and drinks deeply.
He’s saved!
And only after he’s drunk until he can’t drink anymore does he take a breath, slump down and think.
He doesn’t think of regrets and feel guilty about his situation. Or how dirty he’s made the water by jumping in.
He simply feels exhilaration and gratitude or fortune at finding the water and being alive.

(At least, that’s what happens in the movies.)

§§§

One thing I’ve noticed recently reading two books: Breathing Underwater: Spirtuality and the 12 Steps by Richard Rohr and The Emotionally Healthy Leader by Pete Scazzero is that often when I come across “an oasis” of grace and truth, something that could feed my dry and thirsty soul with compassion and healing, my first reaction isn’t gratitude or joy.  
My first reaction is frustration and impatience.
I read these books and it reminds me of how far I still have to grow and heal and learn and it brings back feelings of weakness or inadequacy.

It doesn’t feel good to feel weak.  To feel undone.

And I know I’m not the only one who feels this way.  While beginning counseling and recovery is often accompanied by a feeling of huge relief and peace, the truth is, it also brings up feelings of weakness, brokenness, exposure and grief.

And sadness. Sadness at what has happened and a profound sadness that life, and this world, is still not the way it should be.

A good portion of these feelings stem from this belief that I’ve heard clients or others who have done some counseling, recovery or healing of their past voice, the belief and expectation that

I should be beyond this.
I’ve already gone through this.

I already know all this.
I’ve worked so hard, why do I still struggle with this?

This reminded me just how much shame and dysfunction distort truth.
How they isolate or seek to disconnect us from others.
From needing and transparency with others.
From acknowledging our feelings and legitimate needs.
From receiving the gifts of love, acceptance and grace from God and others.

It’s okay to be desperate for water, you can die from not drinking water.  But needing love and acceptance?  You have to earn that.  You can’t die from that.

Or can we?

I think we can and so many slowly do.

It’s so hard to give up the paradigm that so much of life and live and freedom is given, not something entirely dependent on how hard we work or how smart we are.
It’s humbling to acknowledge that recovery is a lifetime endeavor, that healing is a process.
If we didn’t have to be interdependent on God and others we wouldn’t have to worry about good things being taken away from us.  Our happiness and peace would entirely be up to us, our responsibility, under our control and dependent on our hard work.
No mystery, no waiting, no insecurity, no vulnerability, no anxiety to experience.

Of course, we may not believe that logically or say it outloud. But essentially, that’s what we act like is true.

Like the son in Luke 15 coming back home with a good sales presentation on a working arrangement that might make it palatable for his father to accept him back on the property, we just can’t receive forgiveness. Or forgive ourselves.
We want redemption and healing on our terms, on our timetable.

§§§

There is a story in the Bible of the nation of Israel who spent years in the desert.  God provided them food, manna, daily.  The couldn’t store extra, it would rot.  They could only gather and use what was needed for each day.

It’s hard to go through a desert season, a time of wandering.  We want more.  We want to rush through the promised land, to abundance and overflowing. It’s easy to lose sight of how miraculous it is to simply having your needs met daily.

§§§

I’m heading to the beach soon with my family.  It’s another place where sand and water meet. And the beach is pretty simple.

It’s family.  It’s sand.  It’s the ocean. And books to read.
It’s fresh air, unhurried walks and sunsets.
It’s sleeping in, free time, time spent without an agenda.

And one of the great things about the beach is, it doesn’t have to be new.

It’s a going back.
A reminder of God’s beauty, His grace, care and provision.

It’s the same way with a book like The Emotionally Healthy Leader.
Or a sermon.
Or a song.
Or a talk with a friend.
Or your spouse.
It doesn’t have to be innovative, the next best thing.
It may not be exciting but to a frantic thirsty soul, it’s essential.
It’s life-giving.
It’s a familiar story that can still be so hard to believe.

Sometimes, the way forward, is back. 

Are you stuck? Why asking “Why?” doesn’t always help

image

When talking with your spouse “Why?” or “Why? did you…” is a four-letter word, especially if you add “…in the world…”

Bill Cosby once joked that “Why?” isn’t very helpful with kids because it is usually met with a whiny pathetic “I dunnooooooooo!” 

Have you ever noticed that when you ask your kids something starting with “Why don’t you…?” You don’t usually get the answer you were hoping for?

Clearly, “Why?” doesn’t usually work because a) there’s no good answer b) the question was really a complaint in (partial) disguise and c) it usually results in defensiveness and/or temporary brain-damage/amnesia in the other.

Another arena where “Why?” isn’t usually recommended is counseling. 

When we go though pain though, it’s natural to ask why.

Even Jesus did. The Psalms are full of Why’s. Asking “Why” is a natural response to difficult things in life. We ask Why to make sense and meaning of our negative experiences.

Thing is, there’s a few ways that asking Why isn’t helpful; a few reasons it can even be detrimental to growth and peace. 

One expectation that people have when they first come to counseling is figuring out why they do things. Thing is we can’t always know or figure out the reasons why.  And, one of my counseling professors taught me, insight doesn’t guarantee change.  

In fact, asking Why? can keep you from changing, if you aren’t careful.  
Some folks ask Why? but they really don’t want to know the answer.

The problem is many people ask why as a way of staying perpetually confused.

They may not realize that this is what they doing but they ask and avoid answering the question.
Not answering your unknowns about the past is a great way of avoiding the unknowns of the future. 
(Asking What if? And leaving that unanswered also creates and perpetuates anxiety)
Another reason Why? can be misused is often Why? is way of complaining wihout the risk of admitting how you feel and what you want.
We do this with our kids, “Why can’t you remember to clean up the bathroom?”  
We also do this with God.  “Why does this keep happening to me?”
Here’s another example of what this sounds like: “Why do I always [fill in addictive behavior of choice]?  Is it because I was abused?  Because my parents neglected me?  Because I need medication? Because I really don’t want to change? Is it because I really  don’t trust God?”   
This line of questioning can go on and on, with no resolution, for years.  Asking the next question and piling on the next right on top of the other, allows the person who is asking “Why” to never face down the truth, to dig down to the answers.  It’s a form of self-sabotage because it makes facing the truth, the past, seem so overwhelming.  
The benefits of not answering our unanswered Why’s is we don’t need to take responsibility.
We don’t need to take responsibility for what we don’t understand, what we don’t know.
Asking Why? is a way of staying stuck, feeling helpless and out of control.  We can wait.  Wait for the answers to come. Instead of taking steps to control what we can control and act on what we do know is true.
It also is a great defense mechanism.  If we are constantly questioning ourselves it pre-emptively prevents people from questioning us.  From critiquing us.  It’s the self-deception of seemingly being really self-aware and introspective while not facing the hard truths, deep down.
Asking Why? also gives a lot of power to our circumstances, to our past and to what has happened to us.
We end up feeling like a victim.
So, those are a few reasons…why…I think one of key aspects of counseling is helping people face their Whys.  Helping people answered their unanswered questions, as best they can.  
If you struggle with anxiety and questioning yourself and your past, I hope I haven’t come across as too harsh.  I do actually want to help.
When a series of Why’s? come up, I’ll often say, “I don’t know.  What do you think?  Let’s explore that some more and figure it out.”  Often, folks know the reasons Why, it’s what to do about it next that’s the hard part.
And even if we can’t figure out the “Why”, life still needs to happen.
“If you did know ‘why’ what would that mean? “
“Assuming that’s true, it seems like a good hunch, if that’s the reason ‘why’, what do you do do know with that?”
“In the meantime, until you figure it out, what’s the next best step?”
Here are some ways you can ask a why question without actually using the Why word. Some ways to explore, go deeper to, more self-awareness and understanding about what you’ve been through and what makes you tick.  
I hope these questions will help you if you struggle with being stuck with unanswered why’s.

Some alternatives to WHY

“What was/is going on?”

“What is happening/happens? when you…”

“How is pattern continuing? What fuels it?”

“What did you do? What didn’t you do?”

“Where did this happen?”

“When did you start believing that [core belief or coginitive distortion]?”

“Where did you start doing that [behavior]?”

“Who taught you that [behavior/coping]? Who modeled that in your life?”

“How did you get here? To this place?”

“What if?”

“What did they do/say?” “How did you respond?” (vs. “They made me…[feeling or behavior]”)

“What did that look like? What did you feel? What did you experience?”

“When that happended – What did that mean to you? What did you start telling yourself? About God,others, family, yourself?”

“What was your role?”

add: “What would you do if you knew “Why? How would knowing why? help you.” 

Here’s a few questions to bring all this digging and exploration of the past back into the present, the here-and-now:

How does this affect you?

What are you experiencing?

What will you do with this? What do you want/need?

Who will you share this with?

What are you feeling?

How can you reframe this?

What is the alternative?

What/How can you change/control?

What are the obstacles?

Those are just a few ways to explore, gain insight, get more concrete without asking why – they help support self-efficacy and can help you get unstuck, reframe and think about change.

I’ll end with one I learned from Dr. Earl Wilson

“What did you tell yourself to give yourself permission to act out?”

That one may make you squirm a bit and feel like saying something like “I dunnoooo!”

but if you’re willing to answer that or some of the others above, you’ll be well on your way to making any adjustments or changes you want to make.

Something a little different: an audio blog

Had the day off today so had some time to go to lunch and was thinkIng about this Andy Stanley quote

“Do for one what you wish you could do for everyone. Because if we all did for one what we wish we could do for everyone, it might change the world. But certainly, it would change one person’s world. It may even change your world.”

I pulled out my iPad to take an audio note to capture some thoughts to write up later for a blog and then I thought, Why not just post the audio?

It may not be polished or professional and you’ll hear chatter and street noise but if you give it a listen I think you’ll see why it’s something I’d like you to hear from me, not just read.

It may be completely wrong but I’m fine if it’s a mistake. I’m reading Seth Godin’s Poke The Box and it’s inspiring me to just initiate, poke the box, and see what happens.

I’m not waiting around anymore, like I did for years, to have everything in place.  I want to do a podcast eventually. In the meantime, this is practice and learning. So, thanks for bearing with me. Feel free to give me feedback, would love to hear if you have any advice.

Blessings!

Here’s the link, my first audio blog.

A few reactions to a great article on helicopter parenting

A few quick reactions to this great article “Kids of Helicopter Parents Are Sputtering Out” by Julie Lythcott-Haims in Slate. 
Don’t let the title fool you, I think this is a must read for parents of toddlers and teens and everyone inbetween.
1) It highlights the sad irony that in their efforts to not neglect their children helicopter parents may end up neglecting to equip their children to handle decisions, problem-solve, take responsibility; in protecting them from pain and failure they set them up for it.
2) I’d heard “enabling” defined as doing for someone what they can do for themselves before.
The second point by author Madeline Levine cited in the article, that it can be psychologically harmful to do something that the kids can almost do themselves, really hit me.
That is so good! 
The idea to not just allow kids to do what they can certainly do and succeed in but allow kids to do and attempt things where success isn’t guaranteed, where they might come up short or even fail.  So much can be learned, they find out what they are capable of, it may even inspire them to grow and their parents can coach and walk them through the experiences. That’s so much better than being shielded from failure and the feelings of disappointment, rejection, confusion and pain as a young child and then being off to college and facing those for the first time in a new unfamiliar environ. 
3) I really like this article because it won’t just help parents. Many young adults in Portland are struggling, struggling with anxiety and depression, struggling with the effects of helicopter parenting. I’m looking forward to reading the book Raising Adults because so much of counseling is helping young adults mature and come to terms with their family of origin and their identity. This article will resonate with a lot of young adults trying to understand why they are struggling so much. I suspect the book may help my clients explore their family of origin and give us ideas for treatment planning, exploration, goal setting, journaling and homework.
      They have to essentially re-parent themselves. If the a parents’ agenda, desires, interests, image to protect, expectations, hopes and dreams always dictated what you did and experienced it’s difficult to differentiate from them. It’s hard to separate from your parents’ identity when you aren’t sure of your own.
4) It’s also interesting how the symptoms of anxiety and depression of kids with helicopter parents are similar to the symptoms of anxiety and depression in kids who were neglected by absent, disengaged, addicted or narcissistic parents.  Just maybe different flavors of anxiety and depression.
With a neglected person, they may struggle with feeling insignificant, invisible, unloved. 
With an over-parented kid they may not struggle with feeling unimportant, they may struggle with feeling too important, feeling pressured to perform, struggle with what they do never being good enough, with feeling loved only for what they do.  Both types may struggle with the fear of failure or on the other hand apathy and learned helplessness. They may not fear failure because they are always shielded from the consequences.
5) I’m sure the author means means “Raising Adults” in the positive sense  (and again I’m looking forward to reading the book) but this article brought up a challenge that I think parents and kids face today in the attempt to raise adults.  In the attempts to raise kids to be successful, to be “special”, to “stand out”, more and more families are taking on adult sized to-do lists and adult sized schedules and their kids are getting crushed by the stress and burden of it. I think their parents are too.
6) One of the biggest helps Julie and I have had in the area of helicopter parenting and letting go is two things sending kids to summer camp and also the HeartLife homeschool co-op lead by Kevin Brusett.
The last 3-4 weeks of the school year the HeartLife school does school on the road, taking trips to the SouthWest, the South (down to Florida and Back)’ the East Coast or Canada and Europe. Nothing like sending your kids away for weeks to help you both deal with your control issues.
HeartLife has been an amazing experience and community for my two oldest kids to be a part of. I’ll blog more about it and hopefully talk about it on my podcast in the future.
They are currently preparing for the next school year, if you are thinking of homeschooling this Fall and would like to learn more, contact Kevin or visit their site.

10 reactions people have to getting caught in their porn use

I wrote this list of reactions 10 reactions people have to getting caught in their porn use.
It struck me how similar it is to getting caught in an affair.

I’ve added a little more detail than the initial list I posted then.

Andee Zomerman saw this when I posted it on Facebook and she invited me on her local radio show The Rose City Forum to talk more about the list and the problem of porn. You can listen to the podcast here. I really appreciate Andee’s willingness to increase awareness of the problem on her show. (If you listen, you’ll see talking “about” porn and answering questions is outside my comfort zone. I’m much more comfortable asking the questions and listening in sessions.)

1) Lie – when porn use first comes to light, what’s you see is usually just the tip of the iceberg. And anyone cheating or using porn has been lying to you and themselves for awhile usually.  Porn is just a symptom, dealing with the problem is not just about stopping the behavior but getting the many factors that feed it. 

 

2) Minimize – the person caught will usually just admit to what they can’t deny, cover up or explain away. They’ll only fess up to what you have the the evidence on. And even with evidence, they may try to make you crazy and question your ability to see the evidence for what it is. They will also minimize or excuse and rationalize their behavior.  They will also try to minimize the damage it has done to themselves and those around them. 

3) Get angry, attack back – when backed into a corner and with the evidence mounting they may try to attack you, throw you off with their anger and cross-complaining.  If you tend to avoid conflict, they may try to use anger and intimidation to scare you and get you to back off and back down. Sometimes, the anger stems from fear. Fear of being found out, from all the truth of what they’ve worked so hard to hide and manage coming out. Fear of hurting you. Fear of what you will do. Fear of disappointing you. Fear of seeing the pain in your eyes. Fear of what they’ve been afraid of, for so long, coming true. Fear of being rejected and alone. So, sometimes that anger, that comes out, is really anger at themself for what they’ve done to the one they love.

4) Get depressed – this may be genuine but often more in a shame-based manipulative way to get you to not be hard on them and leave them alone.  This can look like playing a victim. And don’t get me wrong, very often those trapped in porn are in a very real and significant ways victims. Thing is, it is extremely difficult (maybe impossible, at first) to hold both the role of having healthy boundaries and being angry enough to confront them with the truth and break through the denial and lies, and the role of the empathetic, understanding supportive spouse, at the same time. That is why when porn use comes out it relationship, it can be helpful to not only have couples counseling but individual counseling support for the roller coaster of emotions that come out.

5) Blame – similar to getting angry but worth a separate note. Blame is making you the reason for their behavior. How what you do and say, or don’t do and say caused them to cheat or to view porn.  “If you were more interested in sex. If you weren’t so unavailable. If you hadn’t gained so much weight. I wouldn’t be tempted to use porn.” 

6) Get worse – this one is a big one, I’ve heard this a lot. Telling the truth is risky, often confronting someone about an affair or porn the offended person is afraid of the other person’s behavior getting worse. They are worried if they set boundaries, like a temporary separation, their spouse or partner will cheat more, get more self-destructive. If they set boundaries about intimacy, they will escalate and instead of viewing porn they will start going to strip clubs, or it’ll give them more of reason to turn to the other person for solace and intimacy or worse. And, the thing is, it’s true, they may. But it if they chose to make things worse instead of better it reveals a lot about their heart, commitment and willingness to change.

7) Leave, give up – similar to 6. Another fear of confrontation is that the person caught will just not want to make the effort to change and leave the marriage or relationship. Sometimes the pain of being alone seems worse than the pain of being cheated on.  After years of not being unsuccessful at breaking free from porn, it is easy to feel hopeless to change. Sometimes the pain and devestation that has occurred is overwhelming, instead of facing it and taking responsibility, running away seems like a much easier choice. 

8) Scramble to “get better” – sometimes someone gets caught and it is a bit of a wake up call. Thing is, just focusing on behavior, getting filters, Open DNS, accountability software, etc. doesn’t address the root issues. Patrick Carnes describes this as a first order change. Changing because they “should” or “have to”. These can be good, wise first steps but long-term recovery requires more.

9) Confess – disclosure is a start, taking responsibility, telling the truth and the whole truth, without distortion and minimization. But confession is not enough. Confession without action, a plan, support and accountability can just perpetuate the problem, repeat the cycle of best intentions, false starts, broken promises and failure.

10) Repent – starting recovery. This is moving from 1st order change to more internalized motivations for change, working on changing on the inside as well as the outside. Actions speak louder than words in restoring trust and relationship.

Listening back to the podcast and re-reading this list I realized this can come across as harsh, not very accepting or compassionate towards folks struggling with porn.  I have lots of empathy for those caught. I understand. They are who have spent most of the past 12 years sitting with and counseling. I will write another blog for resources for recovery soon.

What would you add to the list?

How does it strike you?

 

 

A few takeaways from Pixar’s Inside Out

Went to go see Pixar’s latest film Inside Out on Father’s Day with the family.
It was a lot of fun and a refreshingly insightful look at emotions, memories and childhood.
I think, even more than Toy Story 3, this movie was as much for grown ups and parents to look back and learn from childhood as it is a movie for kids. 
This fascinating interview on NPR with the director Pete Doctor highlights a bit of the creative process and research Pixar had to do to make Inside Out.
Here are a few takeaways from the movie that I thought stood out, that can apply to counseling and makes it appealing to so many people.
Spoiler alert: this blog contains scenes and plot elements from the movie, if you haven’t seen the film yet I suggest you save reading this for later. 
(If you are in the Portland area you can see it for $7 in 3D at Milwaukie Wunderland.)
First, emotions are important.
It’s interesting how the film depicts life as an interplay between five primary emotions: Joy, Fear, disgust, Anger and Sadness in 11 year old Riley’s mind.
Basically, emotions are in charge.
They literally are the running the show at headquarters. 
I often talk with clients, whether it’s about mood disorders, stress or addiction, that our emotions often override our best thinking or intentions. 
Sometimes, our emotions get the better of us and we can make bad decisions because of them but I like that this movie is giving people, parents and kids the opportunity to talk about their emotions and what is going on inside their minds and hearts.

Transitions are hard
Transitions are hard for kids and adults.
It’s important to be attentive to kids when making a significant change like moving to a new city, moving away from friends.
Even kids who are for the most part positive, confident and happy can struggle with the new and unfamiliar.
The introduction of loss and sadness in their story can be confusing, stressful and even begin to refine them, especially during the pre-teen or teenage years.
I think a lot of folks who struggle with anxiety or depression can look back and identify a precipitating event (or more) that began a struggle with life and their emotions.
I would not be surprised if this movie inspired people to start counseling or take a deeper look at their lives and childhood.

Emotions impact memories
Emotions impact the way we think, the way we filter our thoughts and memories; in the film, emotions literally “touch” and “color” memories.
In the film, memories create little globes. The memories are brought to consciousness, projected onto a screen.
The emotion experienced from the memory depends on which emotion or color is associated with the memory.
A memory that is Joyful (yellow) can turn Sad (blue) is Sadness is allowed to touch it.
Emotions affect clear communication

One of the funniest parts of the film is when Riley is talking with her parents a dinner. It was a great look at how emotions and self-talk interfere with communication between parents and kids. I won’t say too much here other than I loved it and how they visualized I and Riley’s dads reaction to her emotions flaring up is all too true to life. A great scene to use in counseling for sure.

Joy can be annoying sometimes
Her endless positivity and energy could get on the other emotions’ nerves at times. 
When she was able to work with Sadness and Bing Boing and overcome the challenges they faced,  she grew in depth. She wasn’t just a caricature. 
Joy meant even more having gone through her journey and allowing Sadness her place in the story.
We have key elements of our personality and identity
Riley had Five Islands of Personality. These were five key elements that made her who she is, uniquely here: Family, Honesty, Hockey, Friendship and Goofball. I liked how as she grows up her personality islands expand and develop. This element reminded me of some concepts from Adlerian psychology. She experiences security and her sense of self from these important elements. Goofball and honesty are personality or character traits, the other elements could also be considered core values or elements of identity. Family, friendship and even hockey, were a place where she felt connected.  
Each day, our small moments add up. We are making memories.
The depiction of short-term memories going into long-term memory storage.
This reminded me of John Gottman’s work with couples and the principle of a 5-to-1 positive-to-negative ratio of interactions being a hallmark of a healthy relationship.  
The image of the days’ memory balls going to long-term storage is a great illustration  of how the dozens of brief memories and experiences of the day can add up to a day being colored or remembered as primarily or predominantly one emotion or another. 
The idea of Core Memories
Not only are there globes of short-term and long-term memories, she also has core memories, and handful of vital, meaningful, formative memories.
One thing that fascinated me was one of her core memories was a Joyful memory but it was from a day she missed a shot in a hockey game that could have won the game.
When the clip of her memory played, it showed her sitting sad, alone on a tree branch.  However, It ended up being a joyful memory because her parents came to console her and eventually her teammates too. The vignette ends focused on her happy with her teammates as they lift her on their shoulders and throw her in the air. 
If you just looked at that part of the memory, it looks like they are celebrating winning the game.
It highlights the principles that often what we focus on is what we end up feeling and that what we take away from an experience often becomes the most true part or powerful memory we remember or experience.
A quibble I had with the movie
Fear was played for laughs. And he was entertaining. But as my son noted, fear wasn’t very deep. They had “cartoon” fear, but not “real” fear…Fear is serious.” I agree, fear and anxiety can be terrifying. 
Riley did end up having to overcome frightening things and demonstrate courage and character but  depicting Fear as silly makes it to easy to dismiss him and set him aside. It would have been nice to give Fear a little more edge and depth to show the power fear often has in the lives of many people.
Having emotions is better than losing them
The scariest thing about the movie wasn’t the emotion or even the creepy clown in nightmares.
Anger or sadness weren’t the biggest problem.
There is a moment when she is on a bus where she’s on the verge of losing her emotions, her ability to feel, for me, that as the scariest, saddest, part of the movie.
The time where Joy is almost lost forever in the Dump of Riley’s mind also highlights this. 
They don’t expressly name it hope or faith but the movie demonstrates the sadness of when people lose their hope or faith in life, in themselves or even in relationship with others – it’s like a part of them dies and they cease to live fully.
Sadness is a connecting emotion
This idea from the interview with Pete Doctor, one of the researchers they studied emphasized sadness as a community building emotion.
Sadness helps us express and experience empathy, compassion and connection with others.
I think that is one reason why Inside Out and other Pixar movies like Toy Story or UP or even the shorts like Lava, resonate so much with us, is that when we share on social media that these films move us, to tears, and others share that they did too, it connects us by a shared emotional response. 
We have a shared emotional experience, we share those same feelings of Joy and Sadness as we watch, as we reflect on the movie and also as we remember our childhoods.
Coming to terms withour emotions helps us grow up

One of my favorite images of the movie was toward the end when the memory  globes are no longer just one color but a blend of a few colors/emotions, both Joy and Sadness. This seemed to be so true to life. And a more mature understanding of what we experience from our childhood memories as we get older.  As someone who loves to help folks understand, explore and resolve the ambivalence, the mixed thoughts and feelings, they have about life I thought this was a great illustration. 

There’s so much more to the movie to glean, my son said “this movie has layers!” and it’s been fun to think and reflect on it.  I’ll want to watch again. 
This blog was inspired by conversations with the family and by the Helpful Counselor, a school counselor who made a more comprehensive list of 20+ themes that you might enjoy reading and engaging with too.
What parts were meaningful or stood out for you?
What childhood memories did it bring to mind?
If you are a counselor or in counseling, what parts of the movie might you use in your work?