God doesn’t just have a heart for prodigal sons and daughters.
He waits for prodigal parents and spouses too.
You can be going a million miles an hour and feel like you’re not going anywhere.
You can be surrounded by family and feel alone, a million miles away.
You can have a place of your own and not feel at home.
The saying goes: “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”
Sometimes that provided strength is simply the ability to stop and ask for help.
Or the strength to look around and realize how far you’ve drifted and turn towards home.
Today is the start of National Suicide Prevention Month.
I recently read about a mom who lost her 14 yr old son to suicide then her 18 yr old son a week after the memorial.
This week I spoke with a parent who was still grieving losing their adult child, a few days before they had a scheduled appointment with a counselor.
Have you lost a friend or family member to suicide?
I’m praying for you today.
The problem can seem overwhelming but seemingly small acts of kindness, compassion, just listening and being there for others can make a huge, life-saving difference.
Someone you know or cross paths with could be struggling with depression and contemplating suicide.
If you are hurting and struggling, one thing that makes any suffering worse is suffering alone.
Don’t suffer any longer or more than you have to. Reach out and get some help, tell someone what is going on inside.
If you don’t have someone or know who tell, feel free to message me. I’d be happy to help and help figure out what to do next.
Eight Practices to Let Go of Perfectionism in Parenting
Here’s a recording of a Periscope video I did last year on perfectionism in parenting and an edited transcript below.
Today’s blog will be the first four practices. The next blog will be on the second half and include an additional practice I forgot to include that my son recommended to me.
Here’s three signs that you might have an issue with perfectionism in parenting I didn’t included in the video: feeling Stressed out, Shouting a lot and struggling with Shaming your kids or feeling Shamed. If you feel that way or notice this going on, if you notice decreased joy in your role and work as a parent, if you feel decreased closeness with your kids even if you spend a lot of time with them or if you talk a lot with them but don’t feel connected at a heart-level, I hope watching this video or reading this blog will help you and your family.
Transcript:
This is something I work on with a lot of adults. I see the effects of their parents’ perfectionism, their stress and anxiety, on them. I hesitate to talk about this a little because I don’t want to come across as shaming parents. Because that’s one thing about perfectionism: shame feeds it and it doesn’t help to feel bad. Feeling bad about your parenting doesn’t help, long-term that doesn’t sustain change. Feeling bad about who you are and how you’re doing as Mom or Dad just feeds that vicious cycle.
At the same time, I do want to encourage parents to be aware of how protectionism affects their kids because that’s one of the ways that perfectionism is harmful to kids and families is that it makes parents really self-focused and selfish.
My kids are 19, 16 and 12 (now) – girl, boy, girl – and this topic, this issue of perfectionism and performance-based love and acceptance is something kind of near and dear to my heart because I just want my kids to experience grace and unconditional love. But it’s so tough and we can we can slip and get sucked into focusing on behavior, focusing on how we look outwardly to other people to other families and get caught in comparison and jealousy and things like that.
So, a little bit about my family for some context then we’re going to talk about practical ways to let go of perfectionism. One of the key ways that this is a challenge and difficult – or has been in the past – for our family, is that each of my kids have been involved in musical theater and music and performance so we’ve had lots of talks about “How do you balance working hard, to do your best, to do things with excellence to do quality work and not get sucked into your self-worth and your approval and your sense of yourself being based on what you do?”
I’ve always tried to affirm and notice the kids for who they are regardless of how well they do with auditions or school work, test results in projects to turn in things like that. But it’s tough, I got to admit, I can slip it into that myself and brag and boast about when they do well. And with social media that’s a challenge that I see and I hear folks talk about a lot in the counseling office about feeling discouraged and anxious, less than, not good enough, because they see how well other people are doing, how well other families are doing, how well-behaved other kids are in the grocery store or at church and they start feeling discouraged and feeling like they’re failing as a parent. So here are eight practices, I hope will be encouraging to you.
Practice #1: Self-awareness. To replace performance and perfectionism and getting caught in that trap, the first practice is self-awareness and identifying what’s driving any type of perfectionism, procrastination, avoidance or controlling behavior as Mom or Dad.
For me, one of the things is insecurity. Honestly, when my kids are doing well that’s a boost, that makes me feel good. And we want to be proud of our kids but I notice – self-awareness – that I know I’m getting off track and getting unhealthy when how well they’re doing…I’m more concerned about how I feel, how that makes me feel better, than how they feel and how that’s growing them and how that’s helping them gain some self-confidence. And I’m losing track of what their experiences, and what they’re going through, are teaching them about life and character and forming them into the people that I hope that they will be. So self-awareness, practicing self-awareness about where you’re at with this, can be really helpful.
Practice #2 is Patience: the other thing that can help with parenting and communication is being patient with your kids. You might have heard the phrase “tiger mom”, it’s from a book written by a mom who really drove her kids down in California. (I didn’t read the book, I’ve read some articles and interviews with her.) There can be a culture of pushing kids academically with music, with extracurricular activities, with the kind of the goal of making it in the ultra-competitive college application process and hoping that they stand out.
The desire as parents for our kids to be successful and be able to graduate high school and get a job and take care of themselves – that, that’s legit – but it really helps to get some perspective and to be patient with their growth, and patient with their maturity level. Allow them to be kids. Stretching them but not pushing them to the breaking point and causing lots of stress and anxiety. I talk with a lot of single adults who are still struggling to find their way they don’t have it figured out and their parents really pushed them.
Having your kids just follow your agenda and expectations doesn’t set them up for success because then they don’t have the ability to problem-solve and discern who they really are and what they end up doing, or pursuing, doesn’t end up being a good fit for who they are, the way of doing things, their personality, their strengths, their temperament. That can be really confusing and disillusioning: when you pursue a college degree, a career path, and get the message that “this is going to make you happy and this is going to make you successful” and you’re just miserable.
Practice #3 is practicing Presence. This is a whole other topic (blog), but just listening well, spending time with your kids to hear how they’re doing with school how they’re doing with relationships, how they’re doing personally is practicing presence. Listening for how they’re feeling and viewing themselves, what their self-image is, what the messages that they’re telling themselves are, can be really helpful. But that means spending less time on TV. That might mean spending less time on social media or even Periscope. Setting healthy limits so that you can spend time because those conversations come in the middle of spending time, in the middle of the rhythms of the day and rhythm of the week.
Practice #4: Praise and Positivitity. Another practice is praise and positivity. And that can be with yourself. Our kids observe and know the things that we really believe based on the things that stress us out and make us fearful and anxious. They sniff out the hypocrisy in the things we really value. For example, if we are really critical and negative of other people, other families, then they pick up on “That’s not OK.” and “This is what Mom and Dad are expecting and if I don’t want to be criticized if, I don’t want mom or dad to think poorly of me, then I’d better not look like or act like that person.” And if we speak critically or negatively of other families that can be damaging because they likely pick up on where we’re judgmental and that makes them at risk to be perfectionistic and inauthentic with other people.
So work on your issues. Don’t pass on your negativity. Don’t pass on your anxiety.
I’ll post the next four practices is part two of this blog.
If you struggle with perfectionism as a parent or with the affects of a parent’s perfectionism, what do you think of these practices so far?
How might you incorporate these practices in your life this month?
Hi guys, it’s day 5 Mental Health Awareness and I’m falling behind in my goal to blog twenty times this month (been watching the Blazers vs. Golden State a few evenings).
I’m working on a blog (or two) on Eight Practices to Let Go of Perfectionism in Parenting but in the meantime here’s a quick thought on reading and writing I had driving home today.
It’s very much like counseling: finding yourself and discovering something new, at the same time.
One of my favorite parts of working with clients is when they say something true about themselves that they hadn’t realized or when they say it in a way that makes it clear that they aren’t just saying it with their head but they are believing it in a new way or really believing, deep down inside, for the first time.
Are you a writer? What are you writing about these days?
What are you reading? Do you have a favorite sentence you’ve read recently?
I had started out last weekend with the grand idea of blogging every day this month to raise awareness, to inspire and encourage others. But Sunday was my baby girl’s 12th birthday and we got pretty busy with church and celebrating her. It was a lot of fun and I am so happy for who she is and who is becoming.
This morning I thought of writing again, about depression, anxiety, broken marriages, grief, hopelessness, addiction, bullying, trauma, violence, stress, disconnection, pain, porn, entitlement, failure…all the problems I hear about, every day and I just got overwhelmed. I questioned whether I could say anything, write anything, that would make a dent in the darkness. That would make a difference to anyone.
I got discouraged at all the awful things I’ve seen recently in the news and on social media.
In ten days (on May 8th, which is also Mother’s Day) will mark the occasion of what should have been Otis’ second birthday. For weeks Otis’ family have been trying to figure out what they can do that would mean enough – something that would somehow capture the depth of they love for Otis…something that would buoy their spirits just enough to get them through this upcoming impossible day.
They cannot do it alone. We live in a beautiful world where using social media allows us to spread the word so quickly and easily. Their wish is: “To invite you, and everyone you know, and the whole entire world, to join us in remembering beautiful Otis and honoring his life through a generous act #fortheloveofotis.”
Here’s how it works: “Anytime from May Day (May 1st – a traditional day to leave flowers on someone’s doorstep) to May 8th (Otis’ birthday and Mother’s Day), would you do some small kindness for a stranger, or an anonymous kindness for someone you know, and share it via Facebook, Instagram or Twitter #fortheloveofotis? Would you consider sharing this, and asking for a wave of love and generosity to be released on behalf of our boy?”
I wanted to write some amazing essay on grief and hope and love but if you click on the event and read what is happening so far this week that would say so much more than I could.
Social media has the power to expose us to the worst of humanity but it also has the power to remind us of the good, to renew our hope, to help us grief, to help us make an impact and love one another.
I haven’t met Sarah in person yet. She’s a fellow therapist her in town and we’ve connected over the past year or so on FB through mutual friends. I’ve enjoyed seeing her posts of her beautiful family. Otis was one of the world’s most beautiful boys – just look at his face, those eyes! I get teary almost every time I see his face now. I’ve been so inspired and awed by Sarah’s posts on how life and grief have been since losing him. And also amazed at seeing the power of the support and love from her friends. She’s an amazing lady. And this is such an amazing way to remember and honor him.
Even though you don’t know the Cases, I hope you’ll join them in honoring Otis with some small kindness for a stranger, or an anonymous kindness for someone you know, and share it via Facebook, Instagram or Twitter #fortheloveofotis(I’ve chosen to donate to GriefShare.org and The Dougy Center – two organizations that help families with grief – in Otis’ name)
Maybe it would be a tribute to a mother in your life or a way to support a family who’s had similar loss.
Or just away to bless a stranger and make this world a better place this week.
And if you pray, could you join me in praying for the Cases and Sarah this week on Mother’s Day?
Today for Hump Day, I’m blogging about two things: Writing and the Fear of Missing Out.
Today’s challenge is tough for me because I don’t write to be controversial or take a stand or to provoke debate.
But I do have a lot of things I am passionate about. And I’ve been thinking about so many different things the past few days.
There’s actually quite a few things I fight for. These days it’s fear and stress, in myself and others.
I’m also dealing with what Brene Brown calls a “vulnerability hangover”, a pretty mean one after the last two days of blogging. (If you’re one of my new blogging friends maybe you relate?)
I broke through my Resistance and wrote a “manifesto” of sorts for the first day’s challenge.
I didn’t think it was awesome but was happy to start writing again after several months and put words out there again. And I was pleasantly surprised to write more than 500 words. It was actually kind of easy.
I thought: “I’ll just start writing and keep writing as if I stop writing I’ll never be able to start again.” And I started second guessing what I wrote and how it could be better and there’s so much more to stay.
And it hit me, as I ruminated past my bedtime:
“This is more Fear, more Resistance and Scarcity. It’s so ingrained in me to motivate myself this way.”
It reminded me of the story of the Israelites in the wilderness receiving manna from heaven daily and trying to hoard it.
My mind stopped racing and I was able to let go with this thought:
“Today’s Word, today’s words are enough. There’s more to say tomorrow. Today’s words are enough.”
§§§
Lately, I’ve been encouraging my overwhelmed patients to fight for permission to be valuable in their own life. To take care of themselves. So many of the people, most of them moms, I talk to during the week are so busy, so focused on the needs of others, their responsibilities and roles, that put themselves last on their to-do list. Some of them aren’t even on their to-list at all. And their physical and emotional lives suffer.
We are sick. Our country, our homes are soul sick.
My daughter taught me about FOMO recently, the Fear of Missing Out. It’s something that affects her off at college. There’s a constant tension she feels between getting her studies done and participating in fun campus activities. And she’s not the only one.
FOMO can hit young kids when the latest version of Minecraft comes out.
It plays out on our smartphones and tablets and on social media. In our jam packed calendars. It can even play out in our church activities and attendance; we can get caught up in busyness of going to events and meetings and studies, coffee, prayer meetings and worship services and appointments because we fear missing out on experiencing God in a new and exciting way.
If you’re like me it is a big part of why my nightstand is covered with a dozen unfinished books.
Even in this week’s Blog Like A Pro Challenge, FOMO is rearing it’s head. (Ugh! I don’t have my “lead magnet” ready. I’m not going to win the prize!)
It’s interesting how the Fear Of Missing Out drives us to miss out on what’s most important.
Being present
Our kids growing up
Our calling
Intimacy with our spouse
Time with God
Prayer and mindfulness
Contentment and peace
Today’s blog challenge is to pick a fight.
Guys, we’re losing our lives to our screens.
Every other day in coaching or counseling with patients, social media and Facebook come into the conversation and not for a positive reason.
There will be a day when folks that go to counseling will spend a good portion of it talking about how their parents were absent from them because of social media and smartphones .
We may already be there.
Certainly in 10 to 15 years we will have a generation of parents who have spent their entire conscious lives on smartphones and tablets.
The sad thing is kids won’t sit their parents down to have an intervention about their addiction because they’ll just turn to their own tablets and smartphones.
This is the fight I’m picking and encouraging you to fight.
Fight for your soul.
Fight for deep connection with your family.
Fight distraction.
Fight addiction.
Fight comparison and the voices of shame.
Fight to stop fighting and striving and consuming.
Fight to just rest, trust and just be.
You.
Your life.
The simple gifts God gives, are enough.
Because He has made it so.
And said that it is good.
§§§
See, when I started thinking about this my first “advice” was to replace the Fear of Missing Out on social media and concerts and going out with the Fear of Missing Out on your kids, on your life.
But this is was just like the first part of this blog, trying to change negative behavior with another negative.
The solution to FOMO is just like “Today’s words are enough”, it’s contentment and gratitude, that the present moments, the present company, our present reality is enough.
It’s Day Two of the Blog Like A Pro Blogging Challenge.
A big chunk of the challenge was developing something to offer blog readers to encourage you to subscribe.
Well, I’m going to need a bit of help from my technical and creative team (AKA my kids) to finish today’s challenge. But like I mentioned yesterday I have a blog series on change and growth that I’ve written and I think I will have the kids help me polish it up for you. So stay tuned, I invite you to subscribe in the meantime.
I didn’t want to skip today altogether so here’s my answer to Jeff’s questions for today. He asked: “When you think about why your message matters and to whom, what comes to mind? Who do you blog for?”
My answer was:
My blog is for my friends and family, my counseling clients, parents, creatives, perfectionists and procrastinators. For addicts, adulterers, the unloved, the scared, the hopeless and sleepless. For myself – as a way of processing, a creative outlet, a memo-to-self. And for God’s glory.
She climbs the steps of the extinct volcano and hurries down the path to find her special bench.
The view here overlooks Portland and she wishes he was here to share the beauty of it all.
She does this every day.
She watches the older couple who walk their dog and the young couple who still hold hands go by.
She hears a single pair of footsteps and turns with anticipation but it’s not him.
She feels her face get flush with shame as she reminds herself how silly it is to hope he’ll accidentally show up today.
That’s the only way it could happen, by accident.
Can it really be called waiting if she’s the only one who knows that she’s there?
Some days she hugs herself as the sun sets and the tears fall.
Some days she’s just numb.
She just sits fuming, mad at him for not meeting her here.
For leaving her alone.
But most of all she feels a hopeless anger at herself because she knows every day she sits here she is telling herself the pain of being alone is the cost of not feeling the pain of telling him about the bench, about the life she dreams about sharing with him, the pain of admitting she’s not ok, risking the invitation and him not showing up.
And she hates herself for being scared and for blaming him.
“Honey, I’m going to bed now.”
Shakes her from her reverie and she watches his back as he heads down the hall.
She reaches briefly for him but catches herself and the sob trying to escape her chest.
It’s not just from the regret of giving another evening to Netflix.
“He’s a good man. I know he loves me.” She reminds herself it’s just that the park was looking especially beautiful tonight for some reason.
Another opportunity lost to tell him about the bench she has set aside for them in her heart.
A Throwback Thursday post
You’ve probably seen this video of last year’s Seahawks comeback playoff victory.
If you haven’t seen it, watch it, it’s awesome.
As you watch or re-watch it, note the silences.
When the onside kick leaves the kicker’s foot and takes the big bounce.
When the Wilson hands off to Lynch
When Green Bay lines up for a field goal, three points down
When the ball leaves Wilson’s hands
When the play starts, when you don’t know what’s going to happen next.
There’s a lot of agonizing in the silences.
A lot of parenting is the silences.
You let fly and you hold your breath wondering how it’s going to turn out.
You let go, give them the responsibility of a choice, and hope they end up where they should.
Sometimes the time the ball leaves your hand till the time you see what plays out lasts for years.
The suffering in the silence makes the outcome that much sweeter.
The hugs, the tears, the screams, the euphoria.
I’m writing this because of today’s sunrise
A simple thing
It happens every day
At least somewhere in the world
But it was really special this morning
Because it’s been so dark lately
In more than a few ways
I’ve been talking to lots of patients about death and life lately
But what limits them, what they are afraid of
Talking to clients about what holds them back and their fear of failure
Talking to people who are tired
Wives who are tired of broken promises
Parents who are tired of the same fights with their kids
Moms who are tired of feeling guilty and not good enough
And what I realized this morning driving in, soaking in the clear sunlit sky was that what they are missing
What I am missing
What that football game last weekend gave us a glimpse of
Is the abandonment to joy that comes after suffering for a time.
“The sun comes up, it’s a new day dawning.
It’s time to sing Your song again.
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me.
Let me be singing when the evening comes”
– Matt Redman
“It’s the most wonderful time of the year”
“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.”
I had a chance to teach adult Sunday school at my church last week.
Here are some of my notes from the class.
Not super organized but I hope it might encourage you during the hustle and bustle of Christmastime this year.
I love Christmas time. I grew up on the east coast, in upstate NY, which meant every Christmas was white and filled with snowball fights, sledding and snow forts.
For many people though Thanksgiving and Christmas are not the most wonderful time of the year.
It can be a very painful, lonely time.
There’s the stress and overwhelm of the busyness of the season (my family is doing three concerts in two days this weekend).
This time of the year also highlights what we don’t have. What’s missing.
Two weeks also we looked at Gratitude and ingratitude.
I spoke about Simplicity and started class with talking about the question of What would you do if you won the lottery?
That question often reveals what is most important to us.
When we set aside the issue of money, it often shows us what really would make us happy, what we value, what we are passionate about and what we are called to do, our purpose.
I didn’t follow up in class after asking about winning the lottery – according to Ephesians, we have been blessed with every spiritual blessing in Christ, we have already won the spiritual lottery. I don’t know exactly all that entails but I do know this: it is more than enough for our doubts, distractions and fears – for our discontent, emptiness and hurts. God has already given us everything we need.
Simplicity helps with two things better than finding Balance in an upside down world.
Sometimes the search for “Balance”, whatever that means, can lead to even more stress.
Simplicity helps us experience peace and focus.
(It also helps us experience spiritual, relational, emotional health
It helps us focus on the things, the One, who is most important especially during the Christmas season.
God wants us to experience peace. (Num. 6:24-26, Jn. 14:27, 16:33, Phil. 4:6-7)
Jesus comes as “The Prince of Peace”.
He doesn’t want us to be slaves to fear. (1 Jn 4:18, Ps. 34: 4-7, Josh. 1: 5-9)
Stress steals our peace and focus away.
There are things that drive our busyness and stress:
– emptiness and a desire to feel good
– image management, the desire to look good to others
– performance, the desire for approval (this makes saying “no” to people hard)
– success, security, control
– the fear of missing out
– the desire to be good enough
– the desire to provide for your family
– “love” and “service”, the desire to be helpful
– the desire to fix things, the desire for justice
– the desire for identity and significance
– habit, “the way we always do things”
– old messages and beliefs
– sin
– expectations of others
– perfectionism
Most of those things can be good.
But not all.
Too much of good thing can be negative.
We are also distracted and overwhelmed by the sin and darkness of the world, by ISIS, by Paris, by San Bernardino…by politics.
By pain and suffering, big and small, all around us.
In the middle of all this we lose sight of three key things
1) Who God is
2) Who We Are
3) What We Are Called To
What distracts you from seeing the goodness of God?
Distractions cause us to doubt many things about God
We doubt God’s provision because of finances. We forget that God supplies all our needs. Phil. 4:19
We doubt God’s love because of broken relationships and rejection. We forget we are loved. Gal. 1:10
We doubt God’s goodness because of pain and suffering.
We doubt God’s sovereignty when things don’t go our way, because of broken dreams. We forget that He works all things together for good.
We doubt God’s justice because of racism, abuse, corruption and evil.
We doubt God’s forgiveness because our sin is ever before us and because of our shame. We forget we have been redeemed and set free from the power of sin and death.
We doubt God’s nearness because of feeling alone, isolate and the darkness of this world.
We doubt God’s power because of anxiety, worry and stress.
Psalm 139 reminds us of God’s promises to us
As does this song, “The Lord Our God” by Passion Worship Band
Promise maker, promise keeper
You finish what You begin
Our provision through the desert
You see it through ‘til the end
You see it through ‘til the end
The Lord our God is ever faithful
Never changing through the ages
From this darkness
You will lead us
And forever we will say
You’re the Lord our God
So, what do we do? What do we do when we find ourselves stressed and overwhelmed? When when we get distracted and lose sight of God and ourselves and can’t figure out what we’re supposed to do next?
First, we take our temperature: emotionally, spiritually, relationally and physically.
Identify what is driving us. What are we telling ourselves we “should” or “shouldn’t” do?
Why are we doing what we are doing?
What do I need to trust God for? If we truly understood God’s power, provision and blessing – we would be more at peace.
In simplifying our calendars, in being more exclusive, when evaluating our use of time, our crowded schedules, our scrambling around …the question isn’t “Is this opportunity “good”?” a better question is “Is this what God really wants me to do?”, “Why is this the “best” thing for me to say yes to?”
Secondly, spend time with Jesus, in His presence. In His presence we are renewed and transformed.
We read the story of Mary and Martha together from Luke 10:38-42.
Familiar story but a good reminder to seek “the better thing” – being with Jesus.
Gal. 3:2-3 reminds us who God is, Gal. 3: 25-26 reminds us who we are.
Thirdly, care for your soul like a garden
Weed out what needs to go, weed out sin. Weed out “good” things too. But don’t just “stop” doing bad stuff. If we weed stuff out, it often just grows back.
Plant good things. As a health coach, I help people break bad habits like smoking and emotional eating. It’s hard to just stop a bad habit. What works is replacing a bad habit with a healthy one. Some wise person said there is an “explusive power of a new affection.”
(Zech. 4:6, Col. 1:9-14, Col. 3: 1-4, 12-17)
Ask God what to do – by faith, by His spirit – what do I need to simplify? What do I need to focus on? And what, or who, do I need to say “no” to? What do I need to do more? What do I need to do less?
Part of caring for your soul as garden means simplicity with your physical and emotional self-care and simplicity in your schedule.
Silence and Simplicity. This is not just for the sake of legalistically unplugging but intentionally connecting with God and listening to Him.
Sleep and Self-care.
Pruning your calendar. Slow down. You don’t have to do everything, be everywhere.
Possessions and clutter.
Gift giving. Consume less. Re-evaulate what messages are feeding your expectations about giving and receiving gifts.
Consumption of sports, TV, music, media, experiences. When will enough be enough? Sometimes what we try to fill our emptiness with leads to more emptiness.
