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An hour of marriage counseling costs as much as a ticket to Disneyland.

Think about that for a second.

That’s expensive!

Now Disneyland may not care how you spend the time once you’re in but as a counselor I do so here’s a suggestion.

Come prepared. 

Come prepared with what you want to work on and where you want to go and hit the ground running.

I know in the outside world it’s polite to say hi and ask someone how they’ve been since you last saw them – don’t ask me that. 

Really, it’s not rude to just dive in and and start talking about yourself.

The guys in the Dixieland band know you’re there to take pictures with Mickey & Minnie, not with them.

And, you don’t have to spend time making small talk about how things are going well.  

You can do that at home or on date night and you’re not here for the things that are going well and that are easy. 

If you skirt around the issue/s that’s like hanging out in the Tiki Room or on the Small World ride all day when what you really wanted to do is Space Mountain or Indiana Jones. 

And if you wait till the last hour at Disneyland (or 10 min in counseling) to bring up what you want/need you may find out your spouse really wants to go to the Haunted House or Pirates and there’s not enough time to do it all. 

And now someone is going to miss out on what they were hoping for. And it won’t seem as fun or awesome as you wanted it to be.

So, if you’re in the waiting room or in the car ride over, start talking, imagine you’re getting to the gates early and strategize like it’s you vs. the rest of the world.

Visualize sprinting, hand-in-hand, to the back of the park and being the very first people in line at Space Mountain. VICTORY!!

You might even have the time to do 2-3 rides on it before you feel sick and need a break. 

Once you tackle the hard stuff you won’t feel guilty/avoidant for going on Peter Pan or Dumbo and you can leisurely enjoy your pineapple whip and the rest of the time. 

Then again, you can always pick up right where you left off the next week. 😀

That time I wanted to be black…

Growing up in Upstate New York there were black people and there were white people.

I don’t remember any Hispanic or other Asian kids in school. In fact, I grew up calling Asians “oriental” back then, back there. (I know, I know)

So, many of my friends and classmates were black and naturally there were many times I wanted to be black. I wanted to be like my friends. 

There is one particular time however that stood out.

One sunny day, when I was around nine or ten, I was in downtown Syracuse and I came across another boy who was probably seven or eight.

He did a double take.

“Are you black?!?” 

I don’t remember exactly how I said, no.

I do remember feeling a mixture of feelings.

Amused, that he probably had never seen anyone like me. 

Tickled, that I was so dark he thought I was black. (Cool!)

And even though I couldn’t articulate it or maybe realize it then, looking back, sadness, that the answer mattered.

I could tell that whether we would keep talking or would start playing depended on whether I was black too.

It was the first time that I remember my race being an issue.

And I realized, remembering this, that is one reason I sometimes don’t like answering the question 

“What are you?” 

Because while most of the time folks ask good-naturedly with genuine curiosity, sometimes it feels like when I answer some people make a lot of assumptions about who I am. Or what the answer must mean.

It seems to shut down conversation or any further attempts to get to know me. 

Like, that’s all they need to know.

Or that I answered with the wrong answer.

And it goes back to that moment with that little black boy I didn’t end up playing with because I wasn’t black.

Part of me wishes I could go back and say 

“No, I’m not black. But we can still be friends.”

One of the hardest things about mental illness, in and out of the church, is that it flies in the face of our desire for control and our sense of fairness.

It brings a lot disillusionment and confusion because it doesn’t play fair with our expectations about the spoken and unspoken rules we have about how life should work.

Whether we’re aware of them or not we tend to buy into an exchange economy with life or God, formulas for success and happiness.

If I’m strong, I’ll overcome challenges.

If I’m smart enough, I’ll figure it out.

If I’m determined enough, I won’t give up.

If I do it right and play by the rules, I’ll be rewarded and I’ll be safe.

If I do all those things, if I just stick to it just a little bit longer, if I push just a little bit harder, I won’t have to ask for help. It will get better.

If I eat right, I’ll be healthy.

If I’m faithful and devout, if I read my Bible, pray and go to church, I’ll be blessed.

If I trust God more and have more faith, it will make sense.

If I sacrifice and don’t complain, it will pay off in the end. I won’t be abandoned and left alone.

If I do what you (leaders) tell me, I’ll be accepted and loved.

If I read the right parenting books, listen to the right experts and sermons, my kids will turn out great.

If I am strong and persevere, then I’ll be a good testimony of my faith and what God says in the Bible.

I’ll have a good life.

I’ll be protected from harm and abuse.

I’ll be happy.

I won’t suffer.

Mental illness does not respect intelligence, talent, appearance, education, faith, wealth.  

It can hit anyone even people trying really really hard to do the best they can. 

I’m looking forward to the Shattering Stigma conference tomorrow at New Hope Church and hopefully hear and talk to others about how mental illness has impacted them and their faith or their churches.

It’s Mental Health Awareness Month and I missed posting a few mental health links yesterday for Mental Health Blogging Day. 

Here’s a few things I’ve been wanting to share. I’ll be posting more resources, blogs, articles that I’ve found helpful and interesting. 

1) I’m looking forward to attending this event May 30th on Mental Illness & the Church: Shattering Stigma coming to New Hope Community Church. 

You can learn more about the event and Tara Rolstad’s heart to shatter the stigma of mental health in the church in her interview on Rose City Forum last month with Andee Zomerman Tara wrote a great blog this week on things we need to stop saying in church to those struggling with mental illness and their family and friends who are supporting them. 

2) One of the things I am passionate about is helping seminary students, pastors and ministry leaders is emotionally healthy spirituality, self-care and burnout.

Liz von Ehrenkrook wrote about her burnout and I loved this part especially

 “I don’t know when it happened exactly, but I began to lose sight of myself and let myself go. Inordinate amounts of learning lessons coupled with personal reflection and analyzing behavior led to my burnout.” 

It stood out because it is essentially what counseling and ministry students are intentionally put through.

It is also one of the challenges the introverts and creatives I work with have from being so darn introspective and thoughtful.

It’s great and at the same time it can be so exhausting. 

I just started reading Liz’s blog and am really enjoying her perspectives on ministry and life and appreciate how transparent she is about what she’s learned so far. Plus, the pictures that accompany her blogs look amazing!

3) This is a great website for veterans and anyone dealing with PTSD.

I have had a change to explore it yet but the smartphone PTSD coach looks like a very help tool.

 4) this infographic is from Mental Health America which is doing a lot to raise awareness of mental health issues.

  

Take your quarterlife or midlife crisis,
cut it up into bite size pieces,
schedule it weekly and
it’s no longer a crisis,
it’s counseling. 

Everyone has to face questions of purpose and meaning eventually, counseling lets you chose when and with who you process it with.

The best time to have a midlife crisis is 15 years ago.

And when you let God get ahold of your fears, and more importantly,
get hold of you,
You can say with growing confidence
“We got this”

Writers are healers.

I went to a writer’s conference recently.

I went there as someone who isn’t a writer, not wanting the “writing life” or to “go pro”.

I’m a counselor who writes.

I write because it helps me be a better counselor, husband, dad and Christ follower.

I actually write every day because I think every day; writing helps me think better thoughts.

It also helps me ask better questions which, as a counselor, is paramount.

I discovered one surprising thing though.

Writers are my people.

I knew they love words, love books and love reading, that they are thoughtful and creative – that wasn’t a surprise.

Writers are my people because writers are healers.

They are healers because in the same what that hurt people hurt people, healed people heal people.

They are healers because they are truth tellers and the truth heals and sets us free.

They show the way and give us hope that we can go through the healing process of facing and telling our stories.

Emily Freeman encouraged us to pay attention to what our tears are trying to tell us, I think writers have found that words are like tears, the words they write are messages from our hearts that are longing to be brought to light.

A graced people also grace people.

They can’t help but share the grace they’ve been given.

They know that the unshared parts of ourselves, the unknown, the undisclosed secrets and memories are the unloved and unhealed parts of ourselves.

The parts that blindside us at really inconvenient times in our relationships and work.

The parts that drive behavior that disconnects us from others and God.

Writers are people that know that telling our stories both help us express and discover our best selves; they know that vulnerability is both terrifying and liberating at the same time.

Are you a writer? If you are, what’s something you’ve learned or been surprised by lately?

If you aren’t a writer, I encourage you to give it a try. Even 15-20 minutes, a few times a week, just like exercise can make a big difference in your emotional and spiritual health.

It’s a great way to grow and heal, get clarity on decisions and manage stress.

Why is it so hard to change? To do something awesome?
One thing that the resistance throws at us is the question:

Do you have what it takes?

Really, it’s a variation of Who do you think you are?
If you want to overcome this – assume you do.
Assume you have what it takes.
That you have what you need or that is available to you.
Or that someone knows the answers.
That they’ve been where you’ve been and gone through what you have
Or something similar

Assume people believe in you
That people need you
That what you’ll do will make a difference
Assume that there’s a lot at stake
Assume that if God is calling you to it there is a way to do it
Assume that it’s worth it
Assume that it matters

Assume it will be hard
That 24 hrs a day won’t seem like enough
Assume that the people who have succeeded in what you want to change had those same 24 hrs  to work with
Assume you might fail
That you will not do it perfectly
That your first version won’t be the final or best version
Assume that what you do imperfectly will be better than doing nothing at all
And that the people that matter, will get that
And actually love you for it, the imperfections.

No, do you have what it takes really isn’t the issue.

Will you *do* what it takes?

That’s the question.

 

Photo by Worlds Apart Studios

 Hi,

I’ve spent a lot of time with people.
Sometimes I talk but mostly I listen.
I’ve heard a lot of stories and I’ve learned a lot about life from them.
Stories that are full of pain, anxiety, evil and addiction.
Stories full of grace, love, freedom, beauty and redemption.
Stories that make me rush home to hug my kids and kiss my wife.
Stories that remind me that God is a creator and in control but often life crushes our dreams and plans.

I’ve been writing for the past few years on Facebook and had a blog that I last wrote on 6 years ago.
I’m starting this blog for my friends, family and clients to share what I’ve learned about emotional and spiritual health as a counselor and what I’ve learned as a husband and father.

I hope my words will
Help you understand who you are and know God’s love
Help you discover your strengths, purpose, mission and calling in life
encourage you in the overwhelm of life
Help you have healthy boundaries and communication with friends, family and co-workers
Help you find a balance with your time that allows you to be effective in what you want to do and who you want to be

I want to inspire you
To change and grow by taking actions and setting goals
To express your passions and create the art you have in your heart
To understand the power of grace and empathy for yourself and with others
To heal from the wounds of your past
To break free from addiction
To risk putting down your masks and be vulnerable and authentic with others so that you might be known and experience the joy of intimacy and not struggle with isolation and loneliness
To love well
If you are a husband or wife, to have a great marriage
To have a great relationship with your kids

There is a healing power in stories.
My goal is to try to write at least once or twice weekly.

I welcome your feedback and questions.
Later this year I will launch a podcast on marriage and parenting where I’ll sit down and do what I do better than writing: talk to people about their story and the lessons they’ve learned.