Category: marriage

Four phrases that start or escalate fights

Here’s a few handy phrases I’ve learned that start or escalate fights in relationships.
These apply to communication with your partner or kids.
(Confession: I may or may not have used these…a time…or three myself)

1) “I shouldn’t have to…”
2) “If you loved me…”
A few examples,  “I shouldn’t have to tell you what I need/want.”  (Well, yes, actually you do need to.  It’s what healthy couples do.)
“If you loved me, I shouldn’t have to ask…” or “If you loved me, you’d remember…”
“I shouldn’t have to explain to you why this is important to me…”

These manage to simultaneously help you feel angry and rejected at the same time.

3) “Why don’t you…” or “Why can’t you…”
Ever notice you rarely get the answer you want if you ask this?
The other person gives you their rationalization and rehearse why they are doing the thing you don’t want them to do.  Moving them further away. Works even faster when you do this unsolicited and unexpectedly.

4) “Seriously?!?” – reinforces your indignation and insults their perspective with just one word.

You don’t even have to say these out loud, that’s just a bonus.
Saying them to yourself, affects your attitude and non-verbal communication as well.
To paraphrase Kevin Leman, nothing starts a fight faster than a superior attitude.

10 reactions people have to getting caught in their porn use

I wrote this list of reactions 10 reactions people have to getting caught in their porn use.
It struck me how similar it is to getting caught in an affair.

I’ve added a little more detail than the initial list I posted then.

Andee Zomerman saw this when I posted it on Facebook and she invited me on her local radio show The Rose City Forum to talk more about the list and the problem of porn. You can listen to the podcast here. I really appreciate Andee’s willingness to increase awareness of the problem on her show. (If you listen, you’ll see talking “about” porn and answering questions is outside my comfort zone. I’m much more comfortable asking the questions and listening in sessions.)

1) Lie – when porn use first comes to light, what’s you see is usually just the tip of the iceberg. And anyone cheating or using porn has been lying to you and themselves for awhile usually.  Porn is just a symptom, dealing with the problem is not just about stopping the behavior but getting the many factors that feed it. 

 

2) Minimize – the person caught will usually just admit to what they can’t deny, cover up or explain away. They’ll only fess up to what you have the the evidence on. And even with evidence, they may try to make you crazy and question your ability to see the evidence for what it is. They will also minimize or excuse and rationalize their behavior.  They will also try to minimize the damage it has done to themselves and those around them. 

3) Get angry, attack back – when backed into a corner and with the evidence mounting they may try to attack you, throw you off with their anger and cross-complaining.  If you tend to avoid conflict, they may try to use anger and intimidation to scare you and get you to back off and back down. Sometimes, the anger stems from fear. Fear of being found out, from all the truth of what they’ve worked so hard to hide and manage coming out. Fear of hurting you. Fear of what you will do. Fear of disappointing you. Fear of seeing the pain in your eyes. Fear of what they’ve been afraid of, for so long, coming true. Fear of being rejected and alone. So, sometimes that anger, that comes out, is really anger at themself for what they’ve done to the one they love.

4) Get depressed – this may be genuine but often more in a shame-based manipulative way to get you to not be hard on them and leave them alone.  This can look like playing a victim. And don’t get me wrong, very often those trapped in porn are in a very real and significant ways victims. Thing is, it is extremely difficult (maybe impossible, at first) to hold both the role of having healthy boundaries and being angry enough to confront them with the truth and break through the denial and lies, and the role of the empathetic, understanding supportive spouse, at the same time. That is why when porn use comes out it relationship, it can be helpful to not only have couples counseling but individual counseling support for the roller coaster of emotions that come out.

5) Blame – similar to getting angry but worth a separate note. Blame is making you the reason for their behavior. How what you do and say, or don’t do and say caused them to cheat or to view porn.  “If you were more interested in sex. If you weren’t so unavailable. If you hadn’t gained so much weight. I wouldn’t be tempted to use porn.” 

6) Get worse – this one is a big one, I’ve heard this a lot. Telling the truth is risky, often confronting someone about an affair or porn the offended person is afraid of the other person’s behavior getting worse. They are worried if they set boundaries, like a temporary separation, their spouse or partner will cheat more, get more self-destructive. If they set boundaries about intimacy, they will escalate and instead of viewing porn they will start going to strip clubs, or it’ll give them more of reason to turn to the other person for solace and intimacy or worse. And, the thing is, it’s true, they may. But it if they chose to make things worse instead of better it reveals a lot about their heart, commitment and willingness to change.

7) Leave, give up – similar to 6. Another fear of confrontation is that the person caught will just not want to make the effort to change and leave the marriage or relationship. Sometimes the pain of being alone seems worse than the pain of being cheated on.  After years of not being unsuccessful at breaking free from porn, it is easy to feel hopeless to change. Sometimes the pain and devestation that has occurred is overwhelming, instead of facing it and taking responsibility, running away seems like a much easier choice. 

8) Scramble to “get better” – sometimes someone gets caught and it is a bit of a wake up call. Thing is, just focusing on behavior, getting filters, Open DNS, accountability software, etc. doesn’t address the root issues. Patrick Carnes describes this as a first order change. Changing because they “should” or “have to”. These can be good, wise first steps but long-term recovery requires more.

9) Confess – disclosure is a start, taking responsibility, telling the truth and the whole truth, without distortion and minimization. But confession is not enough. Confession without action, a plan, support and accountability can just perpetuate the problem, repeat the cycle of best intentions, false starts, broken promises and failure.

10) Repent – starting recovery. This is moving from 1st order change to more internalized motivations for change, working on changing on the inside as well as the outside. Actions speak louder than words in restoring trust and relationship.

Listening back to the podcast and re-reading this list I realized this can come across as harsh, not very accepting or compassionate towards folks struggling with porn.  I have lots of empathy for those caught. I understand. They are who have spent most of the past 12 years sitting with and counseling. I will write another blog for resources for recovery soon.

What would you add to the list?

How does it strike you?

 

 

How do you know if counseling will help? Read this to your husband if you aren’t sure.

One way to decide if counseling would be helpful vs going out for coffee or a date night is when the way you talk (or don’t talk) about your problems becomes the problem, when trying to talk drives you further apart, not closer.

When communication breaks down it can be so frustrating for both husbands and wives. I wrote this too for guys who aren’t sure if counseling would help or be worth it.  

Guys,

What if I told you there was a place you could take your wife and you could talk calmly and efficiently and come to agreements about your conflicts.  

A place where your need to think things through inside before replying outloud would be honored and uninterrupted. 

 A place where you would listen to each to other and find the words to understand each other and feel validated and heard.  

You wouldn’t have to numb or shut off your emotions but could express them because you’d learn to contain them and not be overwhelmed.  

A place where the stress of the present doesn’t steal away the joys of the past or the hope for the future. 

There might be some crying involved but it would only take an hour and you’d leave as friends or at least with the hope that you might be again someday?

That it may seem like weakness but to your spouse it’d be the most courageous thing you could do for her.

And really not just for her but for the both of you. 

What if I told you it could make all the difference. 

Would you go?

How to listen to your spouse at the end of a hard day

One thing I’ve learned in marriage counseling is that the desire to fix your spouse is not just a gender issue.  Deal with the incessant demands of little people vying and competing for your time and attention sucks away empathy just as much as being male.

One of the key things I help couples with is helping them choose to listen with empathy even under stress or when neglect or hurt.  It’s hard to listen with empathy or patience, to practice generosity of spirit, when you feel your emotional needs haven’t been met or doubt it will be reciprocated.  What this looks like is frustration, irritation, invalidation of feelings, arguing about details, impatience.  What is sounds like is “You’re always so negative.”, “Stop exaggerating!”, “It’s always drama with you.”

I wrote this post a year ago, after watching this video, “It’s Not About The Nail.”

It’s Not About the Nail from Jason Headley on Vimeo.

Recommended for anyone who
– Has been told their eyes glaze over when they’re supposed to be listening
– Those who “check out” when their loved one “vents”
– For anyone who’s been told “You don’t have to fix me” and anyone who thinks the “It’s Not about the nail” video is an instructional video, not satire.

Vents are stories. And active Listening is like taking notes or highlighting and underlining when you are reading the story.  You don’t have to remember all the details (in fact, It’s not about the details, It’s not about the nail.  When in doubt remember this.  Write it down somewhere. Embrodier it on your underwear).
You start by noting and highlighting key parts of the story.  You capture key story elements and repeat it back, in psychobabble counselors call this “reflection”.

Now, once you have underlining and highlight and reading back what you’ve caught. You are on well on your way to your sweetheart feeling understood.  The next level, is like writing in the margins.  Reflecting back what they may be feeling, why the situation (drama) they are in is so important to them, what it means to them, what they haven’t said.  What they are venting about is not about the details, it is about how they feel.

Vents are stories, there is a beginning, middle and end.  The person venting might be stuck in the middle of their story.  You may see the end.  Do not, I repeat, DO NOT SKIP AHEAD!  You must demonstrate you understand the beginning and the middle before you get to talk about the end.  You cannot pass GO, you cannot collect $200, without this step.

Finally but perhaps most importantly: Vents are stories, there is an protagonist and an antagonist, a good guy and a bad guy.  And it should go without saying but I must,

YOUR SPOUSE IS ALWAYS THE PROTAGONIST IN THE STORY!

Even when they are wrong, they are the GOOD GUY!  NEVER GET THIS WRONG!

Never get it backwards.  If anything you say implies they are the bad guy or smacks of you being more supportive of the real bad guys in the story, you are already in deep waters.  As well intentioned as you may be, as much as you want to lend your wisdom, YOU HAVE ALREADY FAILED!  YOU HAVE FAILED IN YOUR DUTY AS AN UNDERSTANDING SPOUSE, A “SAFE” PERSON, A SOUNDING BOARD, VENT LISTENER!  Your clues are them getting louder and more frustrated.
You’re options are to back away slowly, apologize profusely, go get ice cream or wine, rewind the conversation, be quiet, review your notes 😉

Seriously though, one key idea that will just never make sense or feel right to a lot of dudes, is validating how your spouse feels, does not mean you agree with them.  You can acknowledge, affirm, support how they feel without agree with their perspective.  It will feel as comfortable as sticking a nail in your own eyeball but it is one of the main keys to a vent going well (and going faster), communicating that you caught how they felt when they were in the middle of that situation that was so hard, unfair, ridiculous, stressful, hurtful, etc.

You do this and you get to pull the nail out, you get to help write the end of the story.

The end of the story may not mean co-workers become nice, that justice gets served, that kids behave, that things get fixed – it may just mean that she knows you are with her, really with her, no matter what.
Under pressure you will forget.  So write it down somewhere: validation is not agreement, empathy is understanding even when you don’t understand.  You might even tattoo it on your palm, so it’s the last thing you see when you facepalm yourself.

On marrying your best friend

I think one of the miraculous things about marriage is how someone can both be so wondrously different than you and know and understand you so well at the same time.

Sometimes I admire her from across the distance of a crowded room or sanctuary.

Often it’s from the distance of a crowded calendar.

Truth is, even with the nightly reunion where we go to sleep, over the course of more than two decades together there are times when than distance can span weeks or even months.

It’s amazing how hard and simple it can be to find your way back.

How hard something as simple and mundane as “everyday routine” or “normal” or Survivor reruns can be to overcome.

And how simple just trying something new, or something that you used to do without the kids, on a sunny day off can reconnect you when you’ve both been off doing what you do in the world for others.

I’m glad we’ve always had a best friend to return to.

Marriage Counseling for those who need it but won’t go

One of the main things I’d like to blog about is marriage counseling.
If you read or follow this blog you’ll learn about what marriage counseling is like in general and counseling with me specifically.
Not everyone would want or be able to do counseling or coaching with me in person but I want to share the things that I’ve seen that is helpful to the clints I’ve worked with.
If I write enough perhaps there will be enough for a book someday:
Marriage Counseling for those who won’t go but need it.
Even if that doesn’t ever happen, I hope these posts will encourage you in the meantime.

One thing about coming to marriage counseling is you don’t really go for answers as much as the questions.
You can get a ton of helpful info on the Internet and in books about marriage, communication, resolving conflict, parenting; I’ll be sharing my favorite resources here in fact.
What counseling does beyond passing along information and advice is help you process the info in a helpful, relevant way by making it personal to you.
One way is by bringing up questions like,
“What’s one thing that you wish your spouse understood about your right now?”
Or
“What’s one thing your spouse could do or say that would help you trust them better?”

The insight you get from the questions isn’t what really produces change either,
it’s the choices you make.

The choices you make together by going through the process of exploring what’s really going on inside, untangling all the things that are influencing your present experience and getting more clarity on who you really are or what to become.
There’s a lot of things that get in the way of doing what we could or should for our spouse, counseling explores what’s getting in the way, getting in the way of choosing to try or start again

I recently rewatched the movie Unbreakable. It had a scene I hadn’t really remembered or took note of before but demonstrates the power of choice.
Robin Wright plays Megan, wife to David played by Bruce Willis’.
They’ve been married twelve years but estranged.
His survived a recent train crash.

One night, she asks him,
“Have you been with with anyone?
Since we started having problems?
The answer won’t affect me…it won’t affect me either way.”

He shakes his head “No”
And she sobs with relief.

She tells him,
“My decision is…
I’d like to start again.
Pretend we’re at the beginning.

It’s a big deal you walked away from that train.
It’s a second chance.

If you want to ask me out sometime, that would be okay.”

I loved that. I try my best to help couples find their way back, to start again, like at the beginning.
Marriage counseling serves to create those kairos moments (described in Essentialism by Greg McKeown), those moments of opportunity in the here-and-now that inspire you to choose, to start over, to change, to grow.

The best advice or writing I can give you isn’t as important as the choice you’re willing to make for the good of your marriage and your spouse.

Is there anything that you’ve been wanting to do for your spouse that you just need to make it happen and do?

Is there anything you’d like me to write about?