Category: Counseling

Coaching Giveaway: Day 5 Blog Like A Pro Challenge

Coaching Give Away (1)

Happy Friday!  It’s Day 5 of Jeff Goin’s Blog Like A Pro Challenge.

I was sick yesterday and didn’t find a place to guest post for Day 4’s challenge. Hopefully will be able to do that someday soon.

For today’s challenge Jeff encouraged us to Be Generous and give something away.

I’m still working on my short ebook and will be giving that away to folks who sign up for updates to the blog but in the meantime I would like to offer a 45 min coaching call for anyone who wants to work on any goal they are thinking about, or are currently, working on.

My ebook will be on Bridging the Gap between where you are and where you want to be.  You can get a little preview of it, I taught an adult education class recently at church on it.

Regardless of where you are in the process of changing something in your life I can help you take the next step.  You may know what you want to change and work on.  You may not.

I’ll help you explore your values and strengths, your motivation, your barriers, the resources and support you have available, your commitment and help choose the next best steps.

I do this dozens of times a week with my patients and clients.

If you’re interested just comment below.  If you’re brave, feel free to share what you’d like to work on, even if you’re just thinking about it.  If you’ve got a handful of things and don’t know where to start I can help you narrow it down, prioritize and pick one.

I’ll pick winner at random, Sunday evening 3/20/16.

If there’s enough interest, I may do a group coaching video on Periscope, so let me know if you’d be interested in that too.

You can view some of the Periscopes I’ve done here on my Katch Page.

Who I Blog For

HALDEN2It’s Day Two of the Blog Like A Pro Blogging Challenge.

A big chunk of the challenge was developing something to offer blog readers to encourage you to subscribe.
Well, I’m going to need a bit of help from my technical and creative team (AKA my kids) to finish today’s challenge.  But like I mentioned yesterday I have a blog series on change and growth that I’ve written and I think I will have the kids help me polish it up for you. So stay tuned, I invite you to subscribe in the meantime.

I didn’t want to skip today altogether so here’s my answer to Jeff’s questions for today. He asked: “When you think about why your message matters and to whom, what comes to mind? Who do you blog for?”

My answer was:

My blog is for my friends and family, my counseling clients, parents, creatives, perfectionists and procrastinators. For addicts, adulterers, the unloved, the scared, the hopeless and sleepless. For myself – as a way of processing, a creative outlet, a memo-to-self. And for God’s glory.

Manifesto

Manifesto

Today is Day One of Jeff Goin’s Intentional Blogging Challenge.

I’m taking the opportunity to jump back into writing and blogging.

I’d been discouraged by my home page malfunctioning and procrastinating on getting it fixed. So, I just installed a new theme because I knew I’d just put off doing it again and put off writing.

The first day’s assignment is “Know What Your About”

I almost took the easy way out and just put my About Page here.  (If you haven’t read it, it’s still is worth reading if you want to know about what I do.)

And the instructions were as follows:

The best way I know how to do that is to write a manifesto. Just draft a few hundred words answering the following questions:

  1. What’s the problem? This can be with the government, the world, or some niche hobby.

  2. What’s the solution? What do you propose we do to fix this problem?

  3. What’s the next step? What is the one call-to-action you want to leave people with? Tell me them to do that one thing.

What’s the problem?  I think there are many and that they are overwhelming.  I talk to people about their physical health, about their addictions, about their broken relationships, their uncertainty about who they are and what they will become.

The problem that keeps me up at night is anxiety and fear.  I work with folks in the counseling office and on the phone for coaching appointments all week who are stuck, afraid, confused, anxious, hurt, discouraged, hopeless.

Who are trying so hard to keep it together, to keep going, to keep up.

The first 10 years of my counseling career I specialized in marriage counseling and sexual addiction and pornography addiction.

These days I think the disconnection, isolation and anxiety caused by the pervasiveness of being online and social media is an even worse threat to the emotional and spiritual well-being of individuals and families.

I also have shifted my practice to work more with individuals.

People who are creative and artistic, writers and musicians, who struggle with insecurity and fear of putting their work out there.

Young adults who are searching for their calling, their career, their spouse.

Leaders who are overwhelmed by stress, the pressure and expectations their jobs and responsibilities place on them. Who feel isolated and ashamed by their struggles and depression.

I also love to work with individuals and parents who struggle with perfectionism and procrastination.

Fear, shame and the pace and rhythm of life make us all vulnerable to self-medicating and coping in physically and spiritually unhealthy ways.

Emotional struggles – loneliness, depression, rejection, abandonment, anxiety, addiction, guilt, anger, shame – all disconnect us from what we were designed to experience – an intimate life with God and others.

A lot of people have heard God loves them but they feel disqualified from God’s love because of their past – what they’ve been through or what they’ve done.

Sometimes the hopelessness and overwhelm of the present impairs our ability to experience God’s love.  Pain and trauma also distorts our ability to give and receive love.  And perversely, your ability to rest and give yourself permission to stop, to breathe, to take the time to look at your life, your patterns, rhythms and habits can be broken when in this state.

So, what’s the solution?

I believe the solution is a person, a relationship with our creator God through the son He sent Jesus Christ.  The solution is also reconnecting with our selves, our best selves, our souls.  It is in being present, connected and intimate with others.  To let go of our addictions and striving and performing and experiencing and practicing an emotionally, physically and spiritually healthy rhythm of life that enables to stay connected to God and others.

The Bible says that Jesus came full of grace and truth, to show us who God is and His love for us.

If you’ve grown up in the church, the balance of grace and truth can be very hard to navigate.

Grace and Truth are not two rabbits to be chased, they are two sides of a coin called Love.

The solution to so many of life’s pain, stress and struggle is the reality that

“You are loved.”

I know that may sound cheesy and it can be.

But it can also be everything.

The Resistance says, “You are loved” is cheesy.

It knows that love is the most powerful thing in the universe.

I think it’s one of the main reasons the universe exists, God needed a place big enough to manifest it.

The Resistance knows that love transforms.

That love heals.

Love connects, adopts, brings near and accepts.

Love reconnects what’s lost.

It also gives life and hope when what’s lost won’t ever come back.

The Resistance knows love sees and knows and forgives.

And because love does this, it frees us from shame and hiding.

It knows that love redeems the past.

That love restores what was lost.

Love brings rest and safety to the weary and wounded.

That loves brings light and beauty and hope to sickness, desolation and devastation.

Love makes us brave.  Love tells us we are enough.

With love, the Resistance and Fear die.

Because of this, the Resistance will fight for its life when you try to learn to love, to find love or try to love again.

It will try to isolate you and talk you out of it.

That’s why Love requires others.

What’s the next step?

Change, healing and rest are difficult.  Trying something new, even though you know you need to, is scary.  Sometimes, it’s not scary it’s discouraging because it’s something that isn’t unknown, it’s getting back to something you used to have and your frustrated or ashamed at how far off track you’ve gotten.

I encourage you to follow this blog or subscribe.  I share what I’m learning as a dad, husband, friend and counselor here.  Writing helps me do what I do better; most of what I write can be tagged “Memo-to-self”.  I hope it helps you know you aren’t alone and encourages you to face your past, your present and future.

This blogging challenge has encouraged me to post my first blog series on overcoming fear, on getting unstuck, on bridging the gap from where you are to where you want to be.  It is based on a keynote talk I did last Fall and Sunday School lesson I did for church.

It will be helpful if you want to make changes in your physical health, relationships, career or education path and especially if you struggle with procrastination and over-thinking; it will help you develop an action plan to overcome your fears of starting.

Kind of like this week’s blogging challenge.

On being lost in Portlandia

 
A poem inspired by a video challenge by my online colleague Christie Sears Thomson of Trade Winds Therapy

What do you do
when you’re sitting in your pew
and you hear those words again

“God loves you”

And you want to believe it with all your heart
But you look inside
and you aren’t sure that you still have one

You aren’t sure because of what you’ve done
and where you’ve been

you lost it somewhere along the way
Or maybe lost it to someone

All you know is that along with your heart, you’ve lost yourself
You’re lost and you can’t find your way home

And all the overthinking and sleepless nights
All the social gatherings and porn
and the trips to the coffee shops and food carts that you try to fill that space with
Can’t shake the feeling you’re alone in the crowd
and you always will be
That you’ve disqualified yourself from finding your way back
Back to joy
Back to life

And when the preacher talks about
doing the things you don’t want to do
and not doing the things you want to
You get that.
You do that.
All day, every day
You know this one.

You don’t realize it but you’re on the hero’s journey
You’re finding your way
You’re finding who you are
You’re searching for your purpose

Along the journey, you need friends.
You need mentors and counselors to come along side

I don’t know all the answers or the way ahead
But I’ll help you figure it out.
I’ll remind you
You’re past can be healed
There’s grace enough for you
There’s redemption
You’ll even be able to forgive others as you forgive yourself

There’s hope
You aren’t alone
and you’re not done yet.

When you have to wait for counseling

Having to wait for counseling can be really frustrating. A little more frustrating than waiting for your mocha at the coffee shop.  This blog is on what you can do while waiting.

Don’t lose hope.  Having to wait for counseling can be really stressful because often the situation that prompted you to email or call for counseling can be a crisis that is affecting your family or marriage.  If you’ve been putting off going to counseling, struggling with emotions or behaviors or communication for a while, if you’re in pain and things feel out of control and unmanageable – not being able to be seen can make you feel even more desperate or upset.

Maybe you’ve just discovered porn on your husband’s laptop.  Or your daughter’s started to cut herself and talk about suicide.

Things don’t have to get worse in the meantime, they can even get better while you wait.

I recorded a Periscope video on this.  I missed a few key resources and ideas I wanted to share so here’s a blog that goes more in depth.

Here are a few reasons why you may have to wait for counseling and some suggestions for each.

1) You want to start counseling but your counselor isn’t available. Sometimes the counselor you’d like to see doesn’t have openings in their schedule or their appointment times don’t work your schedule.

2) You want to do counseling but it’s too expensive.

3) Your insurance won’t cover counseling at all, or it covers it but not as frequently as you’d like.

4) You don’t know who you want to see.

5) You aren’t sure if you want or need counseling.

6) You’re ready for counseling but your partner isn’t ready or they don’t want to go with you.

Here are a few suggestions for each situation.  Try a few of these and by the time you meet with your counselor, you’ll be able to dive right in and hit the ground running.

1) Take action on what you can.  (If you are in crisis or struggling with suicidal ideation – call the 800-SUICIDE crisis line, call 911, call your medical provider and ask for emergency psychiatric services or get someone to bring you to the local ER or urgent care. )  The situation doesn’t have to stay the same or get worse.  You may already know what you need or want to do.  If the counselor you would like to see isn’t available, you may be able to learn more about their approach to counseling by reading their website.  I started this blog for clients and friends and try to post info to help with the topics and problems I meet with people about. Your counselor may have a blog or website where they share resources and info.  Besides here, I post articles on relationships and mental health on the A New Day Counseling Center Facebook page.

You can also ask for a referral to another counselor.  If the counselor you’d like to see isn’t available they may be willing to recommend a colleague or another counselor who could help.   I recommend my friends at A New Day Counseling and the student interns who are training here.  There are also several counselors in the Portland and Vancouver area who are doing good work that I recommend.

2) Consider low-cost counseling resources.  At A New Day Counseling we have interns who can meet with folks for $25 a session.  Sometimes asking your employer or human resources department about counseling resources may help, there may be an Employee Assistance Program available. Addendum: Sunnyside Counseling here in Portland also has interns who can provide care for $25 a session.  If you know of other counselors who provide a sliding fee scale or discounted rates, feel free to comment below.  Your church may also be willing to help defray the cost of counseling for a limited number of sessions, ask your pastor or church leader if that’s a possibility.

Consider pastoral or lay counseling or coaching. Some churches provide free or low-cost counseling and/or coaching and mentoring.  You may not need counseling.  I like to describe the difference between coaching and counseling this way.  Coaching can be like a personal trainer at the gym.  They help you set goals, encourage and push you to go from good to great or okay to good.  Counselors use many of the same tools and techniques but they can be more like a physical therapist.  They help you with goals and problem-solving but they also focus on repair, treatment, therapy, and healing a problem.  Coaches tend to focus on the present and future. Counselors do that but they also explore the past more, as needed.  I’ve been trained both as a counselor and a coach.

Consider peer and group support.  I didn’t say enough about this in the Periscope video!  Some insurance plans or medical groups may not provide counseling weekly or at all but they may have groups for treatment or support.  Three A few other types of groups I didn’t mention are Celebrate Recovery, NAMI, Griefshare, DivorceCare, For Men Only, and Refuge groups locally.  There are also groups for dealing with pornography and sexual addiction locally.  There are twelve-step groups for alcoholism, codependency, drug addiction, overeating.  All can be beneficial and offer support; one of the hardest things about making a change or struggling with emotional and relationship issues is feeling isolated and alone.  Groups help and I often recommend groups for my clients who I meet with in addition to meeting with me.

Addendum:
3) Consider meeting with your primary care provider for a medical evaluation for anxiety or depression.  They may recommend a trial prescription for medication that may be helpful for what you are experiencing.

Your insurance plan may also provide online resources that can help with mental health topics.  If you are a Kaiser member, there are self-help resources to learn more about the Mind Body connection, the process of change, and improving communication.  There are also support programs for Stress, Overcoming Depression, Overcoming Insomnia. There are guided imagery and relaxation podcasts that can help you with anxiety, pain, and insomnia.  You can also call the Health Coach team to enroll in free coaching for stress management.  Some Kaiser members use health coaching to supplement their counseling. They get additional support on the phone between their office appointments with their mental health providers.  If you don’t have KP insurance may provide similar resources: groups, online resources, online coaching, or phone coaching.

4) Write down what you want counseling to change.  Learn how to describe what you are experiencing.  Write down what is happening: Inside you and outside of you.  What are you hoping will be different?  Different counselors have different approaches to therapy but they often involve changing how you feel, how you view yourself, your self-talk, how you are currently experiencing life, your patterns of behavior and communication, the way to relate to others. Investigate.  Read a few counselor’s bios. Ask others who have been to counseling who they might recommend. Read more about mental health topics online and on social media.

5) Learn more about your problem. One way to take action is to start to learn more about what you are struggling with.  Once you start articulating what you are going through you can start to narrow down defining the problem and solutions.  There are online assessments that can help you narrow down the problem.  You don’t want to get too locked in to a specific “diagnosis” until you meet with your counselor but you can start to learn and read about mood disorders like depression and anxiety, you can start to learn more about healthy conflict resolution and communication.

Gaining more understanding, awareness of your feelings, and insight about yourself and how you impact and relate to others are the skills of self-awareness and emotional and relational intelligence.  You may be able to make improvements on your own. If the struggles are impairing your work, your relationships – if they are longstanding, pervasive, and perpetual – if they aren’t getting better on their own or if they get better for a while but then come back, it might be time to try counseling.

Start writing down your story.  Start looking at who you are and what you’ve been through.  If it’s too hard to this on your own, that’s okay.  Go slow.  Writing it down helps you get clarity, decreases how big the problems and the past are in your head and heart.  What’s the script?  What are your core beliefs and family rules?  What is the metaphor, the word picture you have for life, or your image of yourself?  After you learn how to describe what is happening see if you can make connections and identifying the patterns and triggers in your life.  All of this work can be painful.  It can also be a relief to start to face it.  Writing down and facing your story can start to heal and free you up from any destructive patterns and the hold your past may have on you.

6) Give yourself permission to work on yourself.  Often, getting counseling, working on your healing, boundaries, growth areas, mood, and stress – your stuff – can help your marriage or relationship because if you get healthier you influence and impact your partner.  Marriages are a system, if you change you change the dynamics and the relationship.  If you change your steps in the dance, if you change your lines in the script, you can change your interactions, your patterns, and vicious cycles.

I often recommend the books Boundaries, Boundaries in Marriage, Boundaries with Kids, and Love & Logic.  Each of these books gives principles that can be helpful in communication and relationships.  The authors’ website has video advice for a number of emotional and relationship topics.

I hope this blog will help you if you are in the gap of wanting to start counseling and starting.

I will blog soon more on how to explore your past, present, and future.

Stuff Therapists Like

 

 In the spirit of Stuff Christians Like and Stuff White People like, I present to you a short list of Stuff Therapists Like.

Therapists like it 

1) When you show up for appointments and/or follow their cancellation policy.  No shows to appointments are not fun for therapists, especially if they stay late or cancel other plans/events to meet with you.

2) When you are a Brene Brown fan. And you have watched her TED Talks and read her books.  Just because, all therapists love her.  And we love to say it and hear others reply, “Oooooh, I love her too!”

3) When you do your homework outside of session.  They want you to get better and often recommend things to process and work on during the rest of the week.  Some changes require practice over time and the more work you put into it on your own, the more progress you can make. 

4) When you bring up “the issue” at the start or early in session.  We’re happy to chit chat and warm up at the start of session but eventually we’ll ask “What would you like to work on today?” So, it helps if you think about what you’d like to focus on and talk about during the drive over or in the waiting room. You could spend 10-15 minutes trying to clarify with their help or you could jump right into and make the most of your time.  Waiting till 10 minutes are left to drop a bombshell or start into another major issue isn’t helpful to you either.  

5) When you give them feedback about what is working and what isn’t in therapy.  Again, your therapist wants to help and know if you are benefitting from your work with them.  They’d rather hear if you have a concern or dislike how things are going and have a chance to make adjustments than for you to discontinue working with them suddenly.

6) When you take notes and build on previous sessions.  Even if you don’t literally pull out pen and paper, it helps to make note of key takeaways from your sessions (or homework assignments or goals you’ve set) and refer or report back how you’ve applied those takeaways in the past week.  

7) When you come up with best ideas and insights.  Yes, we like to feel useful and smart and wise by coming up with intepretations that help you see things in a new light but it’s even more powerful when you discover and uncover new truths or create new solutions for yourself in the process of therapy.  We want you to grow in self-awareness, mindfulness and self-confidence.  

8) When you talk about yourself more than other people.  For a variety of reasons, you may be tempted to “talk about” other people in your life more than yourself. You may talk about work, a boss, a girlfriend, a parent and husband. Thing is, your therapist is there for you, not them.  Your therapist will encourage you to state how those others may affect you, how you feel and explore your ability to make healthy choices and assertively set boundaries.  

9) When you remember we are human too.  Therapists don’t want to be your guru and make you dependent on them.  We don’t want to take all the responsibility for your life.  On the other hand, we do hope you’ll trust us or allow us to earn your trust.  And that you’ll forgive us if or when we mess up. We hope you’ll be open to our feedback and recommendations.  Even if you may not like it, though it may not feel good, at first. 

10) When you would rather pay out of pocket than bill insurance.  Or are willing to pay up front and submit an invoice for insurance to reimburse directly.  It’s just simpler. Paperwork is the bane of therapists’ existence. 

11) When you don’t come to therapy high or drunk.  That just doesn’t work.  Therapy is hard enough without being emotionally and cognitively impaired. 

12) When you arrange for childcare.  Unless you’re doing famly counseling that doesn’t work well either.  Your therapist will likely need to cancel and reschedule which essentially is like a late cancel/no show appointment.  

13) When you don’t apologize for what you say or how you feel.  Go ahead and say what’s really on your mind. It’s really ok.  Therapists are not just tolerating you.  We love it when you’re honest and brave, when you trust us enough to start opening up about the truth inside without censoring yourself.

Hope you enjoyed this list.  I know not all therapists are the same but I think a few of these are universal, especially #2.

Anything you would add?

When Marriage Counseling gets hard

 

Sometimes  a marriage needs healing

Sometimes  a marriage requires a resurrection

and how impossible that seems can be very discouraging and frustrating

“It gets worse before it gets better”

Couples don’t really realize how true this is until they start doing the work of marriage counseling. And a lot don’t continue because it’s so hard. 

That’s because feelings like hurt, betrayal, disappointment, that have been stuffed down for years, start to come out.

Even when there’s improvement, that can be a negative too, because then the regret and hurt of “Why couldn’t she or he have done this for me and our marriage before now? ” is just one more reminder of how broken and hopeless it all feels.

There’s a grief at suffering in marriage that comes when your spouse starts treating you the way the could and should have in the first place.

It’s like resetting an incorrectly healed bone break.  It has to be broken again and reset to heal properly.

Hardness, isolation, unhealthy patterns, addictions, bitterness, self-protection, lies – just a few things that have to be broken.

Sometimes false hopes and expectations have to die completely and the myth of certainty and control along with it in order for hope and trust and love – still tentative but now unfettered by the need for certainty – to come alive again. 

Often the worst/hardest part of all, is facing the fears that have been avoided, fears like abandonment, rejection, being unloved, unworthy, unattractive, failure, being alone. 

It feels like death because it is a death.

But there’s life after walking through this valley.

 

How going to bible college or seminary can make your porn problem worse.


  

The Bible tells the story of Abram, being chosen by God, to set off on journey to a far country. 

The season before starting college or seminary can be similar: an exhilarating time with a sense of clarity about God’s calling and purpose for your life, a start of a new chapter, a new adventure. 

It can be a time of growing faith and a strong sense of God’s presence and purpose for your life. 

It can also be a time of hidden danger. 

Like Abram dealing with pharoah, lying about his wife Sarah to save his skin in Genesis 12 , along the way to where God wants you to be, there can be unexpected challenges at key moments, that can threaten To compromise your character, destroy your integrity and inflame any hidden shadows or addiction in your life.  Particularly porn. 

For about the past 11 years I’ve been meeting with seminary and bible college students about porn.  Tragically, it’s something that threatens to derail their dreams and goals of serving God in ministry before they’ve even really had a chance to start.  

Starting at a new college or seminary may include moving to a new town, a new living situation, new roommates. 

It may involve a new job, new relationships, social groups. 

There will probably be new shiny, attractive people for you to flirt with or connect with/stalk on social media.

New churches to try, small groups or ministries to be involved with and serve with.   

Putting your best foot forward or even the desire for a fresh start, a clean break from the past, can make you vulnerable to putting on a mask again (or maybe you’ve never taken the one your wearing off) but now there’s more at stake in your new role as someone who is devoting the next few years of your life to being essentially a “professional” christian. 

There can be this assumption that because you’re a youth pastor intern or a counseling student counseling people about porn, that you are doing fine in this area.  Being in leadership, or being a “bible college student” or a “seminary student”, can be a trap.

There’s more at stake when you’re not just one of the guys in youth group who’s struggled with porn.  What happens when you’re the youth pastor who people are now looking up to as the example of sexual purity?

It may have been something that you’ve worked hard to overcome, something you been authentic and honest about back home.  The temptation with new relationships is Why go through all that again? What if these new people aren’t as gracious and understanding as my friends and family back home? What if my past is a deal breaker with the cute girl I’m just starting to know in class? 

In seminary and bible college, there’s regularly scheduled come-to-Jesus moments, aka chapels, that also can be life-changing and grow your faith. Your professor may even start classes with prayer. 

There’s also the danger of becoming complacent, taking it for granted, or even becoming numb to these opportunities to worship and meet with God.  

There will be new teachers and leaders to look up to, new books to read, new subjects to learn and explore which is exciting and what you’re paying lots of money for. 

But you may find yourself studying and reading (very likely) much more than you have in your life and feel like your head is going to explode. 

You may struggle with feeling stretched, challenged, maybe even overwhelmedacademically  for the first time. Feeling incompetent or doubting whether you’ll be able to handle the workload might be a shock.

You may even have to drop a class, or fail, the first time.

You might start a new student ministry, which may be awesome.  
But sometimes, it’s not. 
Sometimes, you may end up with a poor fit for your skills and strengths, who you are. 
You may not click, for different reasons, with your supervisor or mentor. 

New rhythms, a new room and bed, new gym or CrossFit box. 
You have to find new self-care spots and times. 

Depending on how you deal with change, if you struggle with social anxiety or introversion, this may or may not go smoothly. 

You may even lose some sleep in the transition. 

Your sense of self, your confidence, can be shaken.

For these reasons, and more, even as your committing your life to learn more about God and serve Him with your life you can become more vulnerable to a problem with porn (or other addiction) either getting worse or resurfacing.

Addendum: Even if it’s a problem you’ve had victory in, sometimes a problem that been dormant can flare up again because often porn can be “managed” with rigid boundaries, filters, computers in public places, accountability, busyness – a host of strategies and outward restrictions – back home.  But if the root causes of the addiction aren’t addressed, without those usual safeguards in place, the beast of porn easily can be unleashed and come back just as strong, once the lid is taken off. 

So, here’s a few suggestions. 

Be mindful and prayerful. Be honest and stay honest about what is really going on in your heart and mind.

If you’re moving away from your usual support and accountability in this area try to connect as soon as you get a bit settled with a supportive community. Find safe people. Don’t give up if it’s hard at first. 

Don’t spend too much time church hopping or trying to find just the right church, try to get plugged in sooner rather than later. 
Finding a community will help you from feeling isolated. 

Pay attention to your relationship with Jesus.  You can spend hours studying and reading about God, about theology and Jesus and at the same time become very distant and disconnected from Jesus.   

Be mindful of self-care, your mood and stress.  Working and going to school, financial pressures, academic workload, full ministry calendar, social events, just being a college kid (aka taco runs at 2am), hours on the computer, can quickly add up to depletion and survival mode which make you vulnerable to rationalizing, minimizing, justifying and compartmentalizing acting out.   

If porn becomes worse, or has never been something you’ve addressed in your life, it might be helpful to start counseling or recovery group to work on it.   Many schools offer student counseling services that can help.

In the end, Abraham isn’t remembered most for his dishonesty with pharoah about Sarah, he’s known for being a man who walked by faith, whose faith was credited to him as righteousness, a man who ultimately God has used to bless the nations. 

If you struggle with porn, this can be true for you too.

I hope this post hasn’t been discouraging or intimidating but has encouraged you if you are starting bible college or seminary soon (or if you work with students) to be wary of this potential pitfall.

And I hope you’ll see God’s plans and purpose for you clearly as you start the school year. 


Helping people find their Why

I wrote a post recently how asking Why can be unhelpful. It isn’t always a bad thing though.

Life is pretty busy these days but when I have free time I like to train and coach mixed martial arts. I used to coach a noon Brazilian Jiu Jitsu class here in town regularly. One thing that’s really rewarding about coaching people how to do a spinning armbar or how to throw a proper jab is you break down the technique into it components, demonstrate the technique, tell them how and where to place their feet and hands and hips and after some repetition and drilling they get start to get the hang of it. By the end of the hour class they are noticeably better than when they started. As a coach, it’s a lot of fun to see and experience an instant improvement in their ability in just an hour or two of training. When you track the improvements over a few weeks or months, it’s even more empowering to see the growth, fitness and confidence. 

Usually the gains in marriage counseling come a little slower. 

 In couples counseling we often debrief a recent conflict/conversation and break it down step by step, making adjustments. Sometimes there’s a quick improvement or just like with jiu jitsu a little adjustment or tweak can produce a big change. However, the norm is that it takes a little practice, in session and at home (where the true test occurs) for things to improve.  Emotional and relational bad habits can be really hard to rewire and retrain compared to muscle memory.

It’s in those moments when the questions flare up. 

Will this work? Is this worth it? Will I ever get the hang of this? Why is this so hard? 

But just like coaching jiu jitsu or boxing there’s something even more rewarding in counseling than teaching and coaching how to do something different or giving advice on what to work on.  The conversations I occasionally get to have at the gym about Why are special, the ones that move beyond where to grip and pull and pivot, to why, why do you train? why do you want to learn how to grapple or kickbox? Why do you do mixed martial arts instead of Zumba or yoga? 

And in counseling, moving beyond the nuts and bolts of active listening and conflict resolution and parenting situations or what to say and how to say it to exploring or rediscovering the Why of marriage and communication, the Why of going to counseling and talking about what’s going on inside is something actively encourage. 

Answering the Why goes a long way to seeing you through the learning curve, whether it’s learning how to throw a switch kick or use I-statements or listen non-defensively. 

What I’ve noticed is that when couples get back in touch with the Why of what they are doing (or not doing), when parents remember the Why of what they want to accomplish with their children, a lot of the details work themselves out or take a big step in the right direction.