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Half of the week I talk with folks about their health as part of the health coaching team at Kaiser.

I talk with 20-30 people a week about weight management, exercise, stress and sleep.

Why does sleep come up so often? It’s often the missing piece in peoples’ plans for getting healthy and feeling better. One reason it’s so important is that it is often the source of the biggest barrier for people changing: energy and motivation.

“I want to eat healthy and meal plan. I want to go to the gym. But I’m tired.” So at the end of the day, instead of going out for a walk or working out, they watch TV. And eat.

One of the main things that you can do to improve your mental and physical health is improving your total sleep time and the quality of your sleep. And one of the key ways to do that is by limiting your smartphone, Netflix and social media activity as part of your bedtime routine.

Kicking your phone out of your room is one of the best things you can do for your self. It can even significantly improve your marriage and sexual intimacy.

Here’s a video I did on sleep, stress and insomnia four years ago. It’s representative of the coaching conversations I have with my patients. I touch on screentime then but it’s impact and significance has increased even more since then.

The National Sleep Foundation put out some guidelines for healthy sleep during Covid-19.

The CBT-I Coach app is a free app that I recommend to patients and counseling clients. I’ve had patients see and feel an improvement in their sleep as quickly as 2-4 weeks with this app, increasing their total sleep time as much as an hour each week with it.

If you want to learn more about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Insomnia (especially if you are a therapist) CBTIWeb is a tremendous site that started offering their resources for free online, including worksheets and patient education materials and videos.

I wrote this reflection on the election four years ago this weekend. A lot has changed the past four years but how I feel this weekend hasn’t.

I had my ballot out today. I read and watched more news and articles than I have in a month.

What do I want to teach my kids? That even if you think it’s wrong, do something so you can win? Go along with the powerful or the bully, they’ll be in power over you anyway, so just accept it. Or do what you think is right, even if you know you will lose?

Stand up for your principles, you can never lose them unless you give them away. What some people don’t realize is that sometimes even if you win, you lose. And even if you lose, you win.

I know my friends will follow their earnest convictions and vote for one of the two front runners. That’s your right and I will respect that. And you. And I hope you’ll do the same for me, though we make a different choice.

After all this, if you come into our gym, I will roll and spar with you. If you come to my church, I’ll sit next to you and sing and pray with you. If it’s crowded at the coffee shop and you need a place to sit, I’ll offer it to you and probably ask you about your life still. Just like before all this.

I won’t let this change how I view or treat people. I lit this candle to remind myself that my vote isn’t wasted. I’m voting for us to move forward with light, strength, and healing. I lit this candle to remember to pray.

We’re going to need a lot of grace in the days ahead.

“If you loved me I shouldn’t have to tell you to…”
“It doesn’t count if I have to tell you to…”

I’ve heard this and variations of this idea often in session.

The thing is, healthy couples do tell each other what they want and what they need. They ask for it clearly. And often.

Yes, it’s frustrating if you feel you’ve told your partner something a thousand times. And it’s tempting to think if they cared they would remember.

We want and need different things because we’re different.

For example, after 27 years of marriage, I don’t naturally close the kitchen cabinet doors or pick up after myself. My wife doesn’t naturally want to watch a TV show at the end of the day or put down her work and listen empathetically.

It’s hard (impossible?) to simultaneously make your partner feel wrong and empathetic, for defensiveness and empathy and understanding to co-exist.

Have you ever wanted to feel heard, validated and supported and it ends up becoming a fight? This video on listening and connecting better!
(After making this video, I had to use what I shared to slow down and listen better to my daughter.)

This is a handout I often use with couples on our needs and our fears in asking for what we want and a video on our different Love Styles, how we connect differently.

The Fear Dance handout

This post is on supporting and listening to your partner when they need to vent.

When you see and hear someone you love struggling it can be really hard because you feel helpless and powerless.You just want to DO MORE to help.

Here’s the thing: it may not seem like it but sitting and listening *is* actually doing something.

Very helpful. And very powerful.

How to listen to your spouse at the end of a hard day

This video is on a common dynamic in couples and in families.

Here are a few resources that can help with this dynamic:

Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy For Dummies (don’t let the title turn you off, it’s great).

Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

Stop the Fight!: An Illustrated Guide for Couples

I recommend this series of videos on boundaries, empathy and listening to most of my clients

One way couples fall out of love is when they stop listening and lose empathy for each other. Without validation and acceptance, the loneliness, blame, and lack of trust and vulnerability creeps in.

Stress, anxiety, depression, physical or emotional pain, unmet needs can also steal empathy.

This video is a question to help take the risk of opening up and talking about the things you need to talk about.

These longer videos talk more about how couples can thrive during times of stress: