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That time I wanted to be black too.

That time I wanted to be black…

Growing up in Upstate New York there were black people and there were white people.

I don’t remember any Hispanic or other Asian kids in school. In fact, I grew up calling Asians “oriental” back then, back there. (I know, I know)

So, many of my friends and classmates were black and naturally there were many times I wanted to be black. I wanted to be like my friends. 

There is one particular time however that stood out.

One sunny day, when I was around nine or ten, I was in downtown Syracuse and I came across another boy who was probably seven or eight.

He did a double take.

“Are you black?!?” 

I don’t remember exactly how I said, no.

I do remember feeling a mixture of feelings.

Amused, that he probably had never seen anyone like me. 

Tickled, that I was so dark he thought I was black. (Cool!)

And even though I couldn’t articulate it or maybe realize it then, looking back, sadness, that the answer mattered.

I could tell that whether we would keep talking or would start playing depended on whether I was black too.

It was the first time that I remember my race being an issue.

And I realized, remembering this, that is one reason I sometimes don’t like answering the question 

“What are you?” 

Because while most of the time folks ask good-naturedly with genuine curiosity, sometimes it feels like when I answer some people make a lot of assumptions about who I am. Or what the answer must mean.

It seems to shut down conversation or any further attempts to get to know me. 

Like, that’s all they need to know.

Or that I answered with the wrong answer.

And it goes back to that moment with that little black boy I didn’t end up playing with because I wasn’t black.

Part of me wishes I could go back and say 

“No, I’m not black. But we can still be friends.”

One of the best things about self-care

One of the best things about self-care is taking the time when it seems like you don’t have the time helps you realize you do.
You do when you make the right choices about what’s most important.
And not waiting until you have permission, giving it to yourself, is a great way of breaking free of feeling so out of control or controlled by circumstances and the expectations of others.

How do you know if counseling will help? Read this to your husband if you aren’t sure.

One way to decide if counseling would be helpful vs going out for coffee or a date night is when the way you talk (or don’t talk) about your problems becomes the problem, when trying to talk drives you further apart, not closer.

When communication breaks down it can be so frustrating for both husbands and wives. I wrote this too for guys who aren’t sure if counseling would help or be worth it.  

Guys,

What if I told you there was a place you could take your wife and you could talk calmly and efficiently and come to agreements about your conflicts.  

A place where your need to think things through inside before replying outloud would be honored and uninterrupted. 

 A place where you would listen to each to other and find the words to understand each other and feel validated and heard.  

You wouldn’t have to numb or shut off your emotions but could express them because you’d learn to contain them and not be overwhelmed.  

A place where the stress of the present doesn’t steal away the joys of the past or the hope for the future. 

There might be some crying involved but it would only take an hour and you’d leave as friends or at least with the hope that you might be again someday?

That it may seem like weakness but to your spouse it’d be the most courageous thing you could do for her.

And really not just for her but for the both of you. 

What if I told you it could make all the difference. 

Would you go?

How to listen to your spouse at the end of a hard day

One thing I’ve learned in marriage counseling is that the desire to fix your spouse is not just a gender issue.  Deal with the incessant demands of little people vying and competing for your time and attention sucks away empathy just as much as being male.

One of the key things I help couples with is helping them choose to listen with empathy even under stress or when neglect or hurt.  It’s hard to listen with empathy or patience, to practice generosity of spirit, when you feel your emotional needs haven’t been met or doubt it will be reciprocated.  What this looks like is frustration, irritation, invalidation of feelings, arguing about details, impatience.  What is sounds like is “You’re always so negative.”, “Stop exaggerating!”, “It’s always drama with you.”

I wrote this post a year ago, after watching this video, “It’s Not About The Nail.”

It’s Not About the Nail from Jason Headley on Vimeo.

Recommended for anyone who
– Has been told their eyes glaze over when they’re supposed to be listening
– Those who “check out” when their loved one “vents”
– For anyone who’s been told “You don’t have to fix me” and anyone who thinks the “It’s Not about the nail” video is an instructional video, not satire.

Vents are stories. And active Listening is like taking notes or highlighting and underlining when you are reading the story.  You don’t have to remember all the details (in fact, It’s not about the details, It’s not about the nail.  When in doubt remember this.  Write it down somewhere. Embrodier it on your underwear).
You start by noting and highlighting key parts of the story.  You capture key story elements and repeat it back, in psychobabble counselors call this “reflection”.

Now, once you have underlining and highlight and reading back what you’ve caught. You are on well on your way to your sweetheart feeling understood.  The next level, is like writing in the margins.  Reflecting back what they may be feeling, why the situation (drama) they are in is so important to them, what it means to them, what they haven’t said.  What they are venting about is not about the details, it is about how they feel.

Vents are stories, there is a beginning, middle and end.  The person venting might be stuck in the middle of their story.  You may see the end.  Do not, I repeat, DO NOT SKIP AHEAD!  You must demonstrate you understand the beginning and the middle before you get to talk about the end.  You cannot pass GO, you cannot collect $200, without this step.

Finally but perhaps most importantly: Vents are stories, there is an protagonist and an antagonist, a good guy and a bad guy.  And it should go without saying but I must,

YOUR SPOUSE IS ALWAYS THE PROTAGONIST IN THE STORY!

Even when they are wrong, they are the GOOD GUY!  NEVER GET THIS WRONG!

Never get it backwards.  If anything you say implies they are the bad guy or smacks of you being more supportive of the real bad guys in the story, you are already in deep waters.  As well intentioned as you may be, as much as you want to lend your wisdom, YOU HAVE ALREADY FAILED!  YOU HAVE FAILED IN YOUR DUTY AS AN UNDERSTANDING SPOUSE, A “SAFE” PERSON, A SOUNDING BOARD, VENT LISTENER!  Your clues are them getting louder and more frustrated.
You’re options are to back away slowly, apologize profusely, go get ice cream or wine, rewind the conversation, be quiet, review your notes 😉

Seriously though, one key idea that will just never make sense or feel right to a lot of dudes, is validating how your spouse feels, does not mean you agree with them.  You can acknowledge, affirm, support how they feel without agree with their perspective.  It will feel as comfortable as sticking a nail in your own eyeball but it is one of the main keys to a vent going well (and going faster), communicating that you caught how they felt when they were in the middle of that situation that was so hard, unfair, ridiculous, stressful, hurtful, etc.

You do this and you get to pull the nail out, you get to help write the end of the story.

The end of the story may not mean co-workers become nice, that justice gets served, that kids behave, that things get fixed – it may just mean that she knows you are with her, really with her, no matter what.
Under pressure you will forget.  So write it down somewhere: validation is not agreement, empathy is understanding even when you don’t understand.  You might even tattoo it on your palm, so it’s the last thing you see when you facepalm yourself.

Portland and Vancouver area Christian Counseling resources

I get questions about counseling in my inbox sometimes.

Here are some local Christian counseling recommendations and resources.

First of all, I recommend my friends at A New Day Counseling Center which is on the campus of Western  Seminary. We have a team of counselors and psychologists that work with a variety of concerns and also accept different types of insurance.

We also have student interns that receive excellent supervision and can see folks for $20 a session.

Here are a few counselors and counseling clinics I recommend.

Feel free to recommend others below. Apologies to anyone I’ve left off.

For marriage counseling:

Jason Wilkinson at Wellspace Counseling. This is an interview I did with Jason.

Alan Rutherford sees individuals and couples. My wife and I enjoyed and benefited from a Marriage class Alan did for Imago Dei Community.

Roxie Sprick at Gresham Family Counseling.

In town, Nate Bagley and Bridge City Counseling

In Sandy/Gresham Dave and Hollis at River Ridge Counseling

On the west side, Aaron at Discover Counseling

In Clackamas, Cornerstone Clinical and Connie at Partners in Hope

In Springfield, Scott Waters at Veritas Community Counseling.  Here is an interview on marriage counseling with Scott.

In Vancouver, Charis Counseling and Fir Crest Behavioral Health.

Julia Garrison at Garrison Counseling Services. This is an interview I did with Julia.

In Battleground, Parkway Counseling. 

When looking for a counselor, I recommend reading the info and bios at the counseling center’s website for the areas they specialize in, their experience, their description of their approach to counseling, and see if it resonates with you.  You can also call their office usually to ask questions to help you decide.

These days many counselors do telehealth (online video) sessions so you can meet with counselors who are not in your immediate area or city. You will need to schedule with a counselor who is licensed in the state you live in.

Some folks ask me if there are counselors I recommend at Kaiser. Since I don’t work in the mental health department there I recommend folks with KP insurance make an intake appointment and ask to be assigned to a Christian counselor.  Sometimes, KP members are able to get an external referral to clinics outside the KP offices. I think clinics like Western Psychological Services may take these referrals and you might be able to find a Christian provider there.

Briefly, I’ll say here, if you are a Christian you don’t always have to have a Christian counselor to benefit from counseling. I’ll probably blog more about why that’s true here. If you’ve found that to be true for you, I invite you to comment about your experience in the comments.

I often recommend support groups, they can be extremely helpful in recovery, healing, and making difficult changes.

Divorce Care has a website with good information and several support groups locally and nationally. It is also helpful for couples and families that are going through a separation.

Celebrate Recovery also has several groups that meet at churches in the area. It is helpful for a variety of issues.

Refuge at Imago Dei Community in Portland meets on Mon evenings. Their website also has a list of Christian counselors.

Pure Life Alliance has groups for men and women struggling with porn and sexual addiction. They also offer groups for spouses and significant others that have been hurt by their partner’s struggle.

Here’s a website I recommend frequently as well

Cloudtownsend.com – I recommend their books on Boundaries all the time, their video advice channels cover many topics related to relationships, emotional health, etc. They also have Q&A replies to many questions related to mental health. I really appreciate their perspectives on integrating faith and psychology.

Let him who hasn’t viewed porn cast the first stone, on porn and shame

I’ve seen this quote a lot in social media and the news lately

“Let him who is without sin cast the first stone”

It’s from John 8, and it’s a story about a woman caught in sexual sin about to be condemned and punished for it by the scribes and Pharisees and Jesus.

The folks quoting this in the news often get the characters mixed up.

But this blog isn’t really about the my reactions to the Duggars or patriarchy or The Village Church or Caitlyn Jenner.

It just reminded me that dealing with porn, child porn, abuse, sexual history, shame is very very difficult.

And sometimes the phrase: “Let him who is without sin cast the first stone” is used as a way to just not talk about it.

Here’s a modern paraphrase “Let him who hasn’t viewed porn cast the first stone”

The scribes and the Pharisees were watching how Jesus would deal with sin, they wanted to trap him.

Modern day Pharisees also are watching how the Church deals with sin.

The problem Jesus dealt with then is the same as it is today.

For the Pharisee, behavior and controlling it is paramount.

There is no empathy for what’s driving the behavior.

For Jesus, the person and the story behind the behavior is most important.

Judgment and shame, especially around porn, isolates.

It disconnects us from God and others.

If you struggle with porn the message for you is the same today as it was then for the woman caught in adultery.

You aren’t damaged goods.

You’re not worthless.

You’re not done, a lost cause, a cast off.

At the same time, it isn’t casting stones to say

You can be free from porn’s grip, you don’t just have to accept it.

Porn hurts others.

Porn hurts you.

Living a lie is unhealthy.

It isn’t what God wants for you.

There is hope.

You can change.

Your story isn’t over.

“Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more.”

He didn’t want her to die and be judged.

He didn’t want her to stay the same.

He wanted her to know that He was there to enable her to be free from her past.

This is the best thing I’ve read about porn and shame lately.

By Aaron Smith, who also recently spoke and wrote about what it’s like living with bipolar disorder.

One of the hardest things about mental illness and the church

One of the hardest things about mental illness, in and out of the church, is that it flies in the face of our desire for control and our sense of fairness.

It brings a lot disillusionment and confusion because it doesn’t play fair with our expectations about the spoken and unspoken rules we have about how life should work.

Whether we’re aware of them or not we tend to buy into an exchange economy with life or God, formulas for success and happiness.

If I’m strong, I’ll overcome challenges.

If I’m smart enough, I’ll figure it out.

If I’m determined enough, I won’t give up.

If I do it right and play by the rules, I’ll be rewarded and I’ll be safe.

If I do all those things, if I just stick to it just a little bit longer, if I push just a little bit harder, I won’t have to ask for help. It will get better.

If I eat right, I’ll be healthy.

If I’m faithful and devout, if I read my Bible, pray and go to church, I’ll be blessed.

If I trust God more and have more faith, it will make sense.

If I sacrifice and don’t complain, it will pay off in the end. I won’t be abandoned and left alone.

If I do what you (leaders) tell me, I’ll be accepted and loved.

If I read the right parenting books, listen to the right experts and sermons, my kids will turn out great.

If I am strong and persevere, then I’ll be a good testimony of my faith and what God says in the Bible.

I’ll have a good life.

I’ll be protected from harm and abuse.

I’ll be happy.

I won’t suffer.

Mental illness does not respect intelligence, talent, appearance, education, faith, wealth.  

It can hit anyone even people trying really really hard to do the best they can. 

I’m looking forward to the Shattering Stigma conference tomorrow at New Hope Church and hopefully hear and talk to others about how mental illness has impacted them and their faith or their churches.

On marrying your best friend

I think one of the miraculous things about marriage is how someone can both be so wondrously different than you and know and understand you so well at the same time.

Sometimes I admire her from across the distance of a crowded room or sanctuary.

Often it’s from the distance of a crowded calendar.

Truth is, even with the nightly reunion where we go to sleep, over the course of more than two decades together there are times when than distance can span weeks or even months.

It’s amazing how hard and simple it can be to find your way back.

How hard something as simple and mundane as “everyday routine” or “normal” or Survivor reruns can be to overcome.

And how simple just trying something new, or something that you used to do without the kids, on a sunny day off can reconnect you when you’ve both been off doing what you do in the world for others.

I’m glad we’ve always had a best friend to return to.

The B word

It’s that time of year when the B word starts rearing its head,
Bored
 
The kids know that the B word is not allowed, nothing will make their parents breathe fire and go insane like the B word.

If you are fighting boredom
Clean your room.
If you’ve done that, clean the house.
If you’ve done that, clean somebody else’s house.

Find work
If you can’t find work, volunteer.
Find something new to learn.
Or a good book to read.

Find your purpose, mission, passion.
If you’ve found that, do what you do better and do it with others.
If you haven’t, find a mentor or try something new.
(If you can’t find something new to try, clean your room again)
If you can’t find a mentor, find someone to mentor.
If you can’t find someone to mentor, find someone to serve.

Find God.
If you’ve done that, pursue Him, go deeper.
If you’ve done that, tell someone else how they can too.
Create something.
If you’ve done that, share it, give it away.
If it’s not awesome, find a way to make it better.

Pray.
If you’ve done that and are still bored, listen better. 
Ask God, what does He want you to do. 
I don’t know what that is, but I am pretty sure He doesn’t want you to be bored. 

(If you can do one or two of those things and still say you’re bored come over to my house and I will throat punch you. Just kidding. Kind of.)

If you can honestly say you’ve done all that and you are still bored, then help someone else do those things.
If you can do all that and still are bored, maybe you aren’t bored, maybe you’re burnt out. 

I hope if you’ve read this that you realize life with God and others is too awesome to be bored.

Don’t be bored.
Be awesome.
Be responsible.
Be generous.
Have a great summer.

A few links for Mental Health Awareness Month

It’s Mental Health Awareness Month and I missed posting a few mental health links yesterday for Mental Health Blogging Day. 

Here’s a few things I’ve been wanting to share. I’ll be posting more resources, blogs, articles that I’ve found helpful and interesting. 

1) I’m looking forward to attending this event May 30th on Mental Illness & the Church: Shattering Stigma coming to New Hope Community Church. 

You can learn more about the event and Tara Rolstad’s heart to shatter the stigma of mental health in the church in her interview on Rose City Forum last month with Andee Zomerman Tara wrote a great blog this week on things we need to stop saying in church to those struggling with mental illness and their family and friends who are supporting them. 

2) One of the things I am passionate about is helping seminary students, pastors and ministry leaders is emotionally healthy spirituality, self-care and burnout.

Liz von Ehrenkrook wrote about her burnout and I loved this part especially

 “I don’t know when it happened exactly, but I began to lose sight of myself and let myself go. Inordinate amounts of learning lessons coupled with personal reflection and analyzing behavior led to my burnout.” 

It stood out because it is essentially what counseling and ministry students are intentionally put through.

It is also one of the challenges the introverts and creatives I work with have from being so darn introspective and thoughtful.

It’s great and at the same time it can be so exhausting. 

I just started reading Liz’s blog and am really enjoying her perspectives on ministry and life and appreciate how transparent she is about what she’s learned so far. Plus, the pictures that accompany her blogs look amazing!

3) This is a great website for veterans and anyone dealing with PTSD.

I have had a change to explore it yet but the smartphone PTSD coach looks like a very help tool.

 4) this infographic is from Mental Health America which is doing a lot to raise awareness of mental health issues.