One part of healing from your past is forgiving yourself for the things that you did to get through what you went through.
(I know some people don’t like the idea of forgiving yourself, they say “God is the one who forgives.” The ability to forgive yourself, to give yourself compassion and understanding, to accept the past, helps you experience God’s forgiveness. Not just talk about it.)
When you understand and have empathy for this past version (or versions) of yourself you won’t experience so much impostor syndrome as you change, heal and grow.
The failure to go through this process is one reason I see clients bounce from one identity, persona, or version of themselves to another.
Or from one hobby, job and relationship to the next.
You can’t accept yourself in the present and move into your future if you haven’t dealt with your past.
So if you’re having a hard time looking forward, or moving into this new year, looking back and working on your past a little more might be a good next step.
Blog
Mark Pollock A Peace Plan for Life and Anxiety
Mark is my guest for episodes 74 and 75 of The Courage, Coaching and Counseling Podcast.
Listen on Spotify here or on your favorite podcast app.
You can watch the episode here on YouTube.
Mark Pollock is a retired Mental Health Therapist and Pastor recently transitioning from Oregon to South Carolina where he lives with his wife Robyn and near his two sons and their families.
His primary areas of experience have centered around the support of at-risk youth and helping the local church grow in its healthy spiritual development.
He is currently receiving training through the Soul Shepherding Institute to serve as a Spiritual Director with a focus on care for pastors and other church leaders, inner healing, and congregational unity and maturation.
Here is the Peace Plan he has come up with. We discuss it on the podcast.
Peace Plan
- Be Saturated in the Love and Goodness of Father, Son and Holy Spirit (Ex. 33:18-23; Joshua 3:5; Ps. 23:6; 27: 13-14; Matt 28: 19; Gal 6:9), New Covenant (Jer. 31:31ff; 2 Cor. 3: 7-18; 2 Pet.1:3-11; 1 John 2:20,27) and Kingdom of God (Matt 6:33).
Breath Prayer: “Immerse me in Your Love and Goodness.”
- Continually Build Secure Attachment with God. Seek Healing of Formative Attachment Wounds (Ex. 34:6; Isaiah 46:3-4; 49:15-16; Romans 8:15; Galatians 4:6; 4:9).
Breath Prayer: “You are my Father. I am Your Son.”
- Develop and Practice a “Rule of Life” which includes but is not limited to Sabbath, Prayer, Fasting, Silence/Solitude, Scripture, Community, Service, Generosity and Witness (2 Tim. 1:7; See: Practicing the Way).
Breath Prayer: “Rekindle ‘the Gift’, Power, Love and Sound Mind.”
- Silence, Stillness and Solitude Daily, Weekly, and Quarterly – “Do” Nothing. (Ps. 46:10; Ps. 131; Habakkuk 2:20).
Breath Prayer: “Cease Striving (Sink Down, Drop the Hand) and Know Me.”
- Do What You See and Hear the Father Doing and Saying. Be Attentive and Responsive to the Experienced Power and Voice of God “Today” – the “Secret of Contentment”. (Mark 4:24; John 5:19-21; 12:49-50; 14:20; Eph 1:17-23; Phil 4:11-12; Heb. 3:15).
Breath Prayer: “Give me eyes to see and ears to hear!”
- Practice Meekness/Composure. Develop a Non-Anxious Presence. Individuating. Cast Anxiety on God and Soul Friends (Ps.55:22; 131; 139:23-24; Is. 26:3; Matt. 5:5; 11:28-30; James 5:16; 1 Peter 5:7).
Breath Prayer: “Take My Yoke and Learn From Me.”
- Do One Thing at a Time. Be Present in the Moment. Be Single-Minded. When Distracted Be Quick to Get Back on Track (Eccl. 3:1-8; Is. 43:19; Mark 2:5; Luke 9:47; 18:24; John 19:26; 1 Cor. 16:13). Breath Prayer: “Do a New Thing. Help Me See It.”
- Be Attuned to All Emotions and Underlying Motivations. Seek Integration and Integrity. (Ps. 51:6 (CSB); Prov. 11:3; Phil 4:6; Col. 3:23).
Breath Prayer: “Let Integrity Guide Me.”
- Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Your Anxiety. Be Self-Aware, Especially in Regard to Nervous Habits Used to Avoid Responsibility, Pain and Boredom – food, sexual temptation, technology, “entertainment”, mindlessness, etc.
(Prov 15:32; Eph 4:26; 1 Peter 5:8).
Breath Prayer: “Be Alert. Be Sober Minded.”
- Enjoy the Small Things. Absorb the Big Things. Choose to Seek Gratitude, Joy and Peace in All Things (Phil.4:4-10; Col. 3:15). Breath Prayer: “Enjoy. Absorb. Choose.”
- See Beauty (Ps.19:1-6). Create Beauty. Practice Awe/Worship (Exodus 31:3-5; Ps. 96:9; Habakkuk 3:2; 1 Cor. 12:1ff; Heb 12:28-29).
Breath Prayer: “See and Create Gifts of Beauty.”
- Intentionally Build and Maintain a Few Deep and Authentic Relationships. (1 Sam 18:1; Prov 17:17; 18:24; Eccl. 4:9-10, 12; Matt 26:36-46; Rom 12:10; Eph 5:21ff; Col. 2:2-3; 1 Peter 4:8).
Breath Prayer: “Submit to ‘Knitting.’”
- Listening to Others (and the Spirit) for the Purpose of Understanding. Listening as a Spiritual Gift and Prerequisite to the Prophetic.
(Matt 13:9; Luke 8:18; 1 Cor. 14:1ff; Jam 1: 19).
Breath Prayer: “Be Slow to Speak and Quick to Listen.”
- Do Not Be Self-Seeking or Controlling. It’s Not “All About Me”
(1 Cor. 13:5; Gal.6:8-10; Phil. 2:3-5).
Breath Prayer: “In Humility Value Others.”
- Accept the Things I Can’t Control. Abandon Outcomes.
(Jer 10:23; Job 14:5; Luke 12:26; Romans 8:28; James 4:13-16; 1 Peter 4:19).
Breath Prayer: “Not Even an Hour? Why Worry?”
- Align Body and Spirit with the Spirit of God – Breathing, Diet, Exercise, Rest, Fasting (1 Cor 6: 19-20; 9:24-27; 2 Cor 6:14-7:1; 3 Jn 1:2).
Breath Prayer: “My Body. Your Temple.”
- “Finally, Be Strong in the Lord and in His Mighty Power… Put on the Full Armor… Stand.”
(Isaiah 54:17; John 10:10; 2 Cor. 10:3-5; Eph. 4: 8-20; 6:10-18; 1 John 2:15-17).
Breath Prayer: “Take a Stand and Live.”
On communicating how you feel and receiving validation and support
“I feel like you don’t love me.”
“I feel like my boss doesn’t value my work.”
Are these actual feelings?
One way my professors taught me to test whether how I’m “feeling” is an actual emotion, instead of a thought or belief, is to replace the first part of the sentence with “I think…” or “I think that…” Or “It seems like…”
And if it makes sense, then if not actually a feeling, it’s a statement or an idea.
And you can reevaluate how correct or true or complete is.
If it doesn’t make sense, then it is an emotion.
For example,
“I feel hurt.” “I feel overwhelmed.” “I feel frustrated.”
Becomes “I think hurt.” Or “I think overwhelmed.” “It seems like frustrated.”Doesn’t really work. Those are legit feelings.
This is important because when we don’t use clear I-statements and identify our actual emotions it leads to lots of frustration and misunderstanding. For both who is speaking and who is listening. You can end up arguing about the validity of the idea or the statement and miss feeling validated about what you are actually feeling because of that idea. Slapping “I feel like” on an idea doesn’t make a bulletproof. Or “That’s just the way I feel.” It does seem less risky to say this than to get in touch with the more vulnerable emotion underneath it. To argue on a cognitive level, than to risk asking for emotional connection and understanding.
Here are a few resources that can help with increasing your awareness of how you feel and your ability to ask for what you need and want in relationships.
https://www.alanrutherfordlpc.com/resources/poster-emotions
Episode 46 The Courage, Coaching and Counseling Podcast for newlyweds on getting off to a good start in marriage
This solo episode is episode 46 of The Courage, Coaching and Counseling Podcast.
I talk about seven areas that can help couples get off to a good start in marriage. One I’d add since making this video a few years ago is understanding personality styles, attachment and the impact of your family of origin on meaning, roles and expectations.
I wrote a blog to accompany this video that summarizes the areas (not a transcription): http://www.sovannpen.com/first-video-blog-a-message-for-newlyweds/
I’ve done three episodes on marriage this year.
Episode 9 with Cindi Doylehttps://youtu.be/PxSOhWU647w
Episode 20 where I give 27 tips on marriage
If you aren’t newlywed but want a fresh start to your marriage this year this blog on being great again in marriage might encourage you: http://www.sovannpen.com/lets-be-great-together/
You can listen to the podcast: https://open.spotify.com/show/5FNLpwjtx98acwQcjkYgAA
The small, gentle moments in couples counseling
Communication skills and conflict resolution strategies.
I statements.
Parenting strategies.
Talking about sex.
Checking in about chores and who does what.
Coordinating schedules.
Clarifying expectations.
Bravely asking for what you want and need.
Those are some things in marriage counseling can help with.
Sometimes the biggest thing is feeling just a little softer and just a little safer with each other.
I see it when a couple stops talking about their spouse to me and they turn to them and look them gently in the eyes.
Or when they move toward the middle of the couch instead of hugging the edges.
Or when they really hear what’s been said and say, “I’m sorry.”
In those little moments how far you have to go and how much you have to forgive don’t seem so overwhelming.
And you can begin to trust, hope and heal.
A conversation with the Man They Remember Podcast
I recently had a chance to talk about topics that are near and dear to my heart but ones that I haven’t done many episodes on the Courage, Coaching and Counseling Podcast about – manhood and fatherhood, life and family.
David is a pastor in Vancouver, WA and he’s started a podcast this year to encourage men.
We barely scratched the surface, if you’re interested in going deeper I encourage you to follow and subscribe to the podcast.
Man They Remember Podcast website
Man They Remember Facebook page
Digital health, screentime, social media and smartphones
One of the best things that you can do to improve your sleep, stress, self-image and sex life is to kick your phone out of the bedroom.
Sleep with your spouse, not your phone.
I talk with 30 people a week about their physical health and about 20 people a week about their emotional and relational health.
80 to 90% of them are tired and overwhelmed.
Their morning and bedtime routines are centered around their phone.
Isolation, disconnection, doom scrolling, social media, news, Netflix and YouTube…
You can’t heal your anxiety and depression through Instagram and TikTok
You can’t heal your trauma in isolation.
For sure our smartphones can help us feel better real quick in the moment.
But without healthy limits and mindful use, they make anxiety, depression, insomnia, healthy habits, and isolation worse in the long run.
(And yes, I realize correlation doesn’t equal causation. But I have seen what happens when my patients set these limits and develop healthier rhythms and connections through their day and week.)
I wrote this spoken word on the way home from counseling a few years ago:
There was a time when you couldn’t keep your eyes or your hands off of me
Now your eyes are reserved for that screen, your hands are devoted to that iPad.
These days the only time I hear you laugh or see you smile is to stupid videos on YouTube.
You give your best to strangers on your screen
These days the only thing I hear from you is your irritation and annoyance.
You give me, contempt
Where did we go wrong?
I stopped reaching out to you.
You didn’t notice.
I can’t handle your silent rejection
I swear I get so angry I just want to take a hammer to that damn tablet!
But I don’t
Because deep down inside I’m afraid
I’m afraid that you’d be even more angry.
Even more angry at losing it than the fact that you are losing me
What did I do to deserve this disdain?
I want to say this to you but you can’t be bothered
so I retreat to my iPhone and wonder:
Do you feel the same?
Here are some resources (books, podcasts, websites, videos) that are helpful for setting healthy limits with screen time and smartphones.
Digital Minimalism book by Cal Newport. And his resource page.
Mindful Tech: How to Bring Balance to Our Digital Lives book
The CellPhone Observation Exercise from his website and book.
Indistractable book by Nir Eyal. His website is a good resource for this as well.
Dopamine Nation: Finding Balance in the Age of Indulgence book by Anna Lembke
I did a continuing education course last month on Digital Health and Technology Addiction taught by Dr. Nicholas Kardaras. He has written a few books and been featured in several documentaries on digital addiction. Here is a page of his interviews and there are several more interviews available by searching on YouTube.
The Case For Digital Aestheticism sermon by John Mark Comer makes a case for it and also offers several practical tips and habits to form at the end.
If you are convinced you want to make a change with your digital health and habits or have made changes in the past but have difficulty staying consistent and motivated with healthy boundaries or limits here are some resources on habit formation and motivation and change:
Atomic Habits: An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones Book by James Clear.
His 30 Day free habit change and goal setting habit course is very helpful.
The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business book by Charles Duhigg
Tiny Habits: The Small Changes That Change Everything book by BJ Fogg. His website has more info on behavior change and motivation and also lots of coaching on applying the Tiny Habit model to many areas of life. He has a free 5 day coaching program to get started. Podcast interviews with Dr. Fogg.
Podcast guest appearances
Besides starting The Courage, Coaching and Counseling Podcast this year I’ve had a chance to talk with others on their podcasts this year.
Most recently I talked with Ann Taylor McNiece about our experiences of changing churches this year and working with folks who have experienced hurt in church on the Soul Grit Podcast as part of her series on Church Hurt.
Episode 24: The Pain of Leaving Your Church
Local therapist Kripsen Mayfield and I talked about making churches emotionally and spiritually safer for members on his Attached To The Invisible Podcast where he explores attachment science, family systems therapy, trauma and spirituality. I could tell Krispen and I disagreed a bit on how to care for others but he was a gracious host and I really enjoyed our conversation.
I’m really looking forward to his book coming out Feb 2022, Attached to God: A Practical Guide to Deeper Spiritual Experience
On Dr. Corey Gilbert’s podcast, Family Features, he interviewed me about my background, work as a counselor and life during pandemic. This was a fun afternoon, before he interviewed me I interviewed him for episode 14 my podcast.
Episode 249 – Interview with Sovann Pen – Counselor, Coach, & Podcaster
On the Why God Why Podcast I talk with pastor Peter Englert about Why Do I Feel Stuck? and how to encourage and work with others who feel stuck in life and what to do when you feel stuck.
Devin Higgins had me on his Skull Sessions Podcast to talk about mental illness and insomnia. I really appreciate his transparency about his own story and journey with mental illness and struggles with sleep.
Priscilla Klockner play therapist on play therapy and supporting parents and children
Priscilla Klockner is my guest for episode 42 of The Courage, Coaching and Counseling Podcast.
Priscilla is a graduate of Western Seminary, obtaining a Master of Arts in Counseling with a focus in Child and Adolescent Therapy. She is currently a registered intern with the State of Oregon, working towards licensure. Combined with her professional training and her experience as a parent, Priscilla helps families find solutions and growth in the areas where they and their children find themselves stuck.
Priscilla uses a family systems and cognitive behavioral approach to work with parents, children, and young adults on a variety of issues. She is a member of the Oregon Counseling Association (ORCA), Association of Play Therapy (APT), Association of Family and Conciliation Courts (AFCC) and the Council of Parent Attorneys and Advocates (COPAA). Priscilla is also a long-time volunteer with The Dougy Center for Grieving Children and Families.
You can connect with Priscilla here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/priscilla-klockner-portland-or/120384 http://priscillaklockner.com/
Here are resources Priscila shared for supporting children and families.
Special Needs:
Fact Oregon- factoregon.org – a non-profit here in Oregon whose goal is to support families experiencing disability.
Wright’s Law – wrightslaw.com – information on special education, IEPs, 504s and the law
Decoding Dyslexia – decodingdyslexia.org – a grass-roots, parent led organization across the country that supports, empowers and advocates for students with dyslexia
Understood – understood.org – a non-profit that supports families with children who think and learn differently.
Sensory KIDS – sensorykidsot.com – pediatric occupational therapy for kids (and adults) “specializing in sensory processing and regulatory disorders”
Trauma and Attachment:
Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development – child.tcu.edu – the institute “strives to help children suffering from the effects of early trauma, abuse and/or neglect.”
The Connected Child (book) by Karyn B. Purvis, David Cross, and Wendy Sunshine.
On adoption and attachment; The Connected Parent (book) by Lisa Qualls and Dr. Karyn Purvis.
Death/Dying/Grief:
The Dougy Center – dougy.org – a non-profit center for grieving children and their families. They use peer support groups for children from 3-18 and young adults from 18-30’s. They also have Pathways, peer support groups for children with a family member with an advanced serious illness.
Grief Out Loud podcast – hosted by Jana DeCristofaro of The Dougy Center
Candlelighters – candlelightersoregon.org – support for pediatric cancer
You can listen and subscribe to The Courage, Coaching and Counseling podcast on Anchor and Spotify: https://anchor.fm/couragecoachingcounseling
https://open.spotify.com/show/5FNLpwjtx98acwQcjkYgAA
The purpose of the show is to encourage and inspire you to be more courageous in life and to bridge the gap between where you are and where you want to be. It is for those who may be struggling with mental illness, relationship struggles, or seeking clarity and direction in life. People who are interested in personal growth, emotional and spiritual health. Moms and Dads who would like help with their marriage and/or parenting.
You can connect with me:
htps://www.instagram.com/sovannpencounseling
Interview with Kristen Hallinan on Breaking A Bad Family Cycle and supporting your child’s mental health
My guest for episodes 33 & 34 of The Courage, Coaching and Counseling Podcast is Kristen Hallinan. The video and audio for episode 34 will be released later this week.
You can watch episode 33 on YouTube or listen on Anchor or your favorite podcast app.
I’m sharing Kristen’s responses to the questions I sent her before our interview.
1) Your background and what you do?
Professionally, I have a degree in Business Marketing and before kids, I opened/helped operate a local boutique chain of children’s salons. I then stayed home raising babies for the next 9 years. During this time I led MOPS groups and volunteered with MOPS International. This led to me becoming the Director of Development at MOPS full-time. We’ve since moved from CO to TX where I am writing and speaking for groups of women, encouraging tough conversations that lead to freedom from guilt, toxic relationships, and whatever might be holding them back from living a full life in Christ.
2) Your specialties or unique message?
I am so honored when I have the opportunity to speak to women, I don’t want to waste a single word. I encourage them in boldness and bravery to use their voice, lean into hard conversations and live their life with intentionality. I often speak on the topics of Autism, parenting, marriage, mental health, family identity, and healing from generational toxicity.
3) What have been some challenges and defining moments in your life that have shaped you?
I grew up in a very toxic home, although it took me until adulthood to realize it. I have been unlearning the unhealthy thought and behavior patterns ever since, discovering how to live life with intention. I did not grow up in a home with faith- my father is still an atheist and my mom was raised Catholic, but was not practicing. I became a Christian as a young adult in college in the midst of making terrible, self-destructive choices. I had a tremendous amount of pain from a childhood of emotional manipulation and my dad’s leaving the family when I was in high school. I was coping in all the wrong ways. Since beginning to live my life with Christ, I have begun to heal my mental health, learn how to set boundaries, and discover who I (really) am. I am determined to change my family legacy by healing from generational toxicity and not allow it to pass onto my children.
We have four joy-filled, spunky kids that we love to pieces. Our oldest has Autism, and although we have had him in countless therapies, counselors, etc. since the age of four, he wasn’t diagnosed properly until age 11. I’ve struggled with the guilt of not serving him well for all those years, although we have already seen so much redeemed in the past two years since his diagnosis.
Just before we moved to TX two years ago, I had to ask my mom to leave my home (she was living with us at the time), forcing her into homelessness. It was absolutely devastating, but necessary to protect my children. She was so mentally/emotionally unhealthy, I had no other option. If this is a topic you’d like to dive into, I am definitely willing.
4) What was being Director of Development for MOPS like? What did you love about that role?
I adored working for MOPS just as much as I had always hoped. I had the opportunity to talk to countless women and couples that had their lives changed by the ministry, and that was such a privilege. I believe that the years of parenting young children can be a unique storm of loneliness, difficult years for a young marriage, and just feeling really lost and overwhelmed with responsibility. Knowing Christ and living in close community with other believers makes all the difference for so many women.
5) Tell us what lead you to write your article for Relevant. What did you learn through writing about your family and healing?
I’ve been on the healing journey ever since we lost our baby 9 years ago and I went to counseling for the first time. I thought I was going to see a counselor about the grief I felt for the baby, and then our sessions quickly turned toward the pain I had with my family, my mom especially. For the past two years in particular I’ve done EMDR and really focused on making changes that would result in the healthier culture I wanted in our family. A stronger marriage and more intentional parenting for sure, but also recognizing how my trauma still shows up and having the courage to not only face it, but make better choices. For example, when my husband is too tired to talk to me about work and I feel shut out, my reaction has been way bigger than it needed to be. I felt rejected which was a trigger from being abandoned by my dad and never really embraced by my mom. Those feelings still come up for me, but when I can recognize them for what they are, I am able to respond in a more appropriate way.
6) Tell me about your family, your role or your identity as a mom. Any advice for other moms?
My identity as a mom has grown dramatically over the past thirteen years (our kids are 13, 11, 7, and 3). Our oldest is Autistic, our third has struggled with anxiety/depression/ADHD and hearing loss. I’ve learned from motherhood what it looks like to be an advocate when a child is struggling/being bullied, and also what it means to teach them to advocate for themselves. My mom was emotionally unavailable. I’ve learned over time what it means to be vulnerable with my own emotions to the kids as well as teaching them how to recognize/embrace their own emotions. I mother with future adults in mind. How can I create responsible, independent beings who are brave and want to take on the world, but also have a heart soft enough to live life to the fullest? I want to teach them HOW to think more than WHAT to think. I want them to value their faith above all else- and because of that learn to love really well.
7) What are some lessons you’ve learned about marriage and parenting? Or lessons you’re currently learning?
I feel like I could write you a novel here, but I will try to be brief! We were married young (@ 21 and 20) and we’ve been married for nearly 15 years. The most impactful lesson we’ve learned about marriage: Communication.
He is an internal processor and I am external. He has few words to say and I have rivers full. He communicates almost exclusively with thoughts/logic and I lean much more toward emotion. We’ve learned to communicate our expectations instead of leaving our partner to guess. We’ve both learned to take steps toward the other one in our communication and this has made a HUGE difference. (Happy to talk more about this/give examples if you think it would be interesting or useful to your audience.)
8) What would you tell your younger self?
Three things:
1) I would tell my younger self about Jesus! I would love to have given my younger self the gift of hope.
2) I would tell my younger self that I deserve love and respect. I spent far too many years believing I must not deserve it because it wasn’t given to me.
3) I have the power to change.
9) What resources or advice would you like to share with listeners?
I would encourage listeners to be intentional about their family identity. Remember, you get to write your story! No matter what you inherited or what kind of childhood you had, healing is possible. This can require some hard decisions and the bravery to set boundaries with your family. Jesus has set specific purposes for each and every one of us and if we are spending all of our time and energy battling toxic relationships, we won’t ever be able to fully step into our calling. Jesus didn’t spend all his time trying to please toxic people and neither should we.
10) What books or people have been helpful, early in your career or lately?
Books I’ve read that have given me perspective/encouragement as I’ve healed from generational toxicity and trauma include:
Hillbilly Elegy by JD Vance
Will the Circle be Unbroken by Sean Dietrich
When to Walk Away by Gary Thomas
Forgiving What You Can’t Forget by Lysa Terkeurst
The Complicated Heart by Sarah Mae
Love Does by Bob Goff
Mothers Who Can’t Love by Susan Forward
Hallelujah Anyway by Anne Lamott
Miracles and Other Reasonable Things by Sarah Bessey
If you are a writer/speaker:
Writing Down the Bones by Natalie Goldberg
Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott
Talk like Churchill, Stand like Lincoln by James C. Humes
Kristen’s Relevant Magazine article, “Breaking a Bad Family Cycle Is Tough But Not Impossible”
Connect with Kristen on Instagram.
You can learn more about Kristen, read her writing and sign up for her free checklist to help facilitate a conversation with your child about their mental health on her website KristenHallinan.com.