Author: Sovann

Licensed professional counselor and health coach in Portland, OR Pre-marital and couples counseling. Individual counseling for anxiety, depression, insomnia, sleep disorders, sexual addiction, porn addiction, career, transitions, grief, burnout, personal growth.

Starting in the face of fear and perfectionism

Here’s a post mostly for my counselor friends who are building their practice or platform. But it’ll apply to anyone wanting to start something, like my blogging and writing friends, and my friends who are on the verge of making a change or procrastinating.

Here’s a pic of my blog stats for the past few months.
image

Didn’t really know what to expect. I said a little bit about what I’ve learned in the audio blog this past week.
The first month I had 155 visitors. In June, 293. And so far in July, 613. So doubling each month. I’m not sure that’ll continue but it’s encouraging.

One thing that surprised me: in the six years I’ve been on Facebook, I’ve never had anything I’ve written or posted be shared more than 4-5 times. And I post a lot! But in the past three months I’ve blogged about 25 times and half of those posts have been shared at least 10 times. A few have even been shared more than 40 times. What I blog about isn’t much different than what those FB posts were but I guess blogging and blog reading is different. My daughter says one reason is FB readers are just quickly scrolling through their feed at different places and times of the day where they may not have the time to read, engage or share. That makes sense.

I’ve also learned this since starting:
image

You can’t grow, learn, improve, achieve what you want, get to where you want to go unless or until you start.
So you might as well begin.

Just start.

Starting before you’re ready is a great antidote to perfectionism because it exposes the lies perfectionism fills your mind with.
The lies that something bad will happen, that you’ll be rejected, criticized, embarrasses.
Maybe you will feel that little but what I’ve learned is that you’ll survive; the flaws and mistakes, imperfections, won’t kill you.
And people are more encouraging and supportive than you imagined.

Thanks for reading my blog so far.
If you are a baby counselor or aspiring writer like me, I hope you are building your platform and encourage you to start your own blog.
I’m also drawing inspiration from this workbook and am thinking about forming a monthly Google Hangout group to work through it together. Let me know if you are interested in joining.

image

How stress affects your parenting

 One of the best things that can really help with healthy parenting and effective parenting is dealing with your stress.

Because it doesn’t matter what parenting books or DVDs you watch – what parenting podcast or blog you listen to or read- if you’re swimming in stress,  you’re not going to be as effective as you could be because stress will impair you.

These different ways stress can affect you as a parent often overlap and connect and because they’re overlapping and connected stress can easily snowball and overwhelm you. When you add the kids acting out in reaction to your stress – that becomes a gnarly vicious cycle.

1) Stress disconnects you from your best self.  Stress is useful, it creates energy to do what you need to do. Too much, for too long, takes a toll; the rest of this list details how.

2) Stress is distracting and prevents you from being focused and present. You aren’t as attentive. And that can lead to mistakes, inefficiency, frustration, tasks taking longer than you wanted, forgetfulness or even neglect.

3) Stress is draining and exhausting.  It takes a lot of mental and emotional energy when you’re in it so you can’t bring that energy that you need to your kids.

4) Stress makes you vulnerable to resentment and bitterness. Because it’s draining on and that makes everything harder you can start to feel trapped.  When you’re under stress you can be vulnerable sacrificing even more than is healthy for the good of your kids.  In the effort to be a great mom or dad in the short term, things can backfire and fall apart in the long run with undealt-with stress. 

5) Stress makes you reactive and feel out of control.  Stress speeds up your thinking, too much and it can also distort your thinking.  Stress is the triggered fight-or-flight response, it makes you reactive and vulnerable to over-reacting with your kids.

6) Stress makes you vulnerable to inconsistently enforcing boundaries, limits and consequences.  It’s tough to stick to your guns and stay consistent with discipline and consequences. Stress breaks down your resolve and patience. It makes short cuts tempting.

7) Stress can make you feel guilty in a few ways.  Besides feeling guilty for the previous reactions to stress, under stress you may not be experiencing the joy of parenting and as a mom (or dad) you’re “supposed to” have joy as a mom. And what kind of a mom would you be to not enjoy your children?  Now, I don’t believe that and you probably don’t either sitting on the computer or reading on your phone, you can see that cognitive distortion clearly.  But in the middle of a bad day, a nightmare trip to the grocery store or in the middle of another sleepless night that type of thinking seems very real and true.

8) Stress triggers and perpetuates anxiety and depression if you are vulnerable to it or have it.

9) Stress can also trigger self-medicating with addictions or acting out.

10) Stress can affect your sleep and and make you sleep deprived (or even more sleep deprived). And the stress and problems of sleep deprivation are a whole other burden to deal with. I’ll certainly blogging more about sleep later.

11) Stress can make you question your faith. In yourself and in God.  In yourself because it makes you uncertain and unsteady, it shakes your confidence, makes you feel incompetence, feel like quitting or running away.  It can shake your faith because it can make you feel alone and isolated, disconnected and abandoned.

These are some ways that stress makes parenting harder. I’m guessing there are others you might add or are going through. When you are under stress which of the ways above does stress affect your parenting?

Despite all that, I hope this will encourage you to see that often the “problem” isn’t you, or isn’t the kids, often the “problem” is stress. I hope thinking through this list helps untangle the complexity of the different consequences of stress. And inspires you to do what you need to do to address it and take care of yourself.

Remember, sometimes taking care of yourself is not really doing more or adding one more to-do to your already overfull plate; taking care of yourself may mean just giving yourself permission to ask for help, accept help, to let people see your need and let people in to help.

I’ll be posting ways of managing your stress in the future.

In the meantime, a few more questions: what’s causing your stress right now?

Is it low, medium or high?

Getting worse, staying the same or getting better?

What’s one thing you could start doing – something you’re in control of, something you can concretely do differently –  that would help with your stress?

 

Something a little different: an audio blog

Had the day off today so had some time to go to lunch and was thinkIng about this Andy Stanley quote

“Do for one what you wish you could do for everyone. Because if we all did for one what we wish we could do for everyone, it might change the world. But certainly, it would change one person’s world. It may even change your world.”

I pulled out my iPad to take an audio note to capture some thoughts to write up later for a blog and then I thought, Why not just post the audio?

It may not be polished or professional and you’ll hear chatter and street noise but if you give it a listen I think you’ll see why it’s something I’d like you to hear from me, not just read.

It may be completely wrong but I’m fine if it’s a mistake. I’m reading Seth Godin’s Poke The Box and it’s inspiring me to just initiate, poke the box, and see what happens.

I’m not waiting around anymore, like I did for years, to have everything in place.  I want to do a podcast eventually. In the meantime, this is practice and learning. So, thanks for bearing with me. Feel free to give me feedback, would love to hear if you have any advice.

Blessings!

Here’s the link, my first audio blog.

10 Obvious-but-we’re-in-counseling-because-we-forgot Marriage Facts

Ten obvious-but-we’re-in-counseling-because-we-forgot Marriage Facts.

Fact #1 : Your spouse is different than you. They just are.

Fact #2: What you believe about those differences and how you react/respond will make or break your marriage.

Fact #3: Your spouse is an adult. You can’t control him or her. The moments you forget this you give yourself permission to weaken your marriage.

Fact #4: Spending time doing fun stuff together and having awesome uninterrupted conversations were two key things that made you say “Hey, we should, like totally, do this together for the rest of our lives!” That and the kissing. (Oh yes, the kissing! More on that later)

Fact #5: You married your spouse because of the strengths and qualities you admired in them, fixating on their weaknesses will make you doubt that decision. If you mentally tear down your spouse, because you are one, you tear yourself down. And it’s not very sexy.

Fact #6: Your spouse is your best friend. Don’t be mean to your best friend.

Fact #7: Honesty is still the best policy. Remember when finally finding someone to be completely open and honest with felt so good? Don’t go back into hiding.

Fact #8 Being adult doesn’t mean being grumpy. Have fun. Simple, obvious, not easy. Make space for it. Ruthlessly deal with stress and busyness. “Neglect” and sacrifice other things and priorities for your spouse, like you used to.

Fact #9 Sex is good. So much to say here. Don’t make excuses. Find your way back to each other, under the sheets.  Whatever takes away or has taken away the longing, desire and urgency – address it. Maturity and the kids’ schedules and getting old together doesn’t mean losing creativity, fun and playfulness. Chase each other around the house even if only metaphorically and behind closed doors and that brief window of time on your weekly calendars.

Fact #10 Marriage is not just about you and your unmet needs.  Not to discount your needs or happiness but remember your purpose, your center.  For me and Julie, it’s our faith and relationships with God. Under stress and conflict and overwhelm it’s easy to go into survival mode.
Remember that you had dreams, purpose, mission, something beyond yourself when you started your life together, something beyond just the two of you.

Remembering this humbles me, makes me feel grateful to have such an amazing spouse. It makes me feel so blessed. It reminds me I’m forgiven and I can forgive, small and big things.

When you step back and consider this, the things that divide you get smaller. And the things that brought you together, that keep you together and will see you through, come back in and empower you to continue to love each other.

Find your way back.

It’s worth it.

Four phrases that start or escalate fights

Here’s a few handy phrases I’ve learned that start or escalate fights in relationships.
These apply to communication with your partner or kids.
(Confession: I may or may not have used these…a time…or three myself)

1) “I shouldn’t have to…”
2) “If you loved me…”
A few examples,  “I shouldn’t have to tell you what I need/want.”  (Well, yes, actually you do need to.  It’s what healthy couples do.)
“If you loved me, I shouldn’t have to ask…” or “If you loved me, you’d remember…”
“I shouldn’t have to explain to you why this is important to me…”

These manage to simultaneously help you feel angry and rejected at the same time.

3) “Why don’t you…” or “Why can’t you…”
Ever notice you rarely get the answer you want if you ask this?
The other person gives you their rationalization and rehearse why they are doing the thing you don’t want them to do.  Moving them further away. Works even faster when you do this unsolicited and unexpectedly.

4) “Seriously?!?” – reinforces your indignation and insults their perspective with just one word.

You don’t even have to say these out loud, that’s just a bonus.
Saying them to yourself, affects your attitude and non-verbal communication as well.
To paraphrase Kevin Leman, nothing starts a fight faster than a superior attitude.

To my daughters on dating

image

Dear lovely daughters of mine, 

It’s not easy for me to think about dating when it comes to you. Maybe a lot of it has to do with my work. Mostly, it’s because I love you so much, want to protect you and what’s best for you. As you grow and have relationships with dudes you’ll have to make your own decisions but here are a few things to watch for when you think about dating and relationships.

Look for a young man, not a boy 
so that you can grow as a young woman and not stay a child. 

And in this young man look for one who 

follows Christ first 
so you are encouraged to do the same without restraint and you’re not put in the place in his life/heart you aren’t meant to be. 

who looks people in the eye and has a firm handshake 
so your parents (ie. your father) doesn’t think he’s sketchy.
(Well, honestly your father still may think he’s sketchy after all that anyways. But that’ll be my problem to get over, not yours or his.) 

Is kind 
so you are valued and treated well 
so that your worth is never in doubt.

is responsible 
so you can trust and respect him.

is able to apologize and laugh at himself 
so you can too and continue to let go of perfectionism and control.

is courageous and mature enough to exhort and encourage you 
so you don’t hold all the accountability and responsibility of truth speaking and end up being another parent to him but have a mutually edifying relationship.

is gracious 
so you can make mistakes and be yourself around him.

is pursuing purity and protects yours 
so you can be protected from 
being defiled or shamed in this area.

lives with purpose and knows who he is or lives with a sense of discovery and desires growth so you are free to pursue yours and expressing who you are doesn’t intimidate him or make him feel insecure.

shows an interest in your family 
so you don’t feel isolated or your loyalty doesn’t feel divided and your parents (father) can trust/like him.

is free from addiction 
so you don’t get sucked into its destructiveness.

is generous, not selfish 
so you sense he loves and cares for you, not just himself.

This list isn’t meant to be burdensome or some impossible standard. 
Relationships are hard enough. 
I hope it’s actually freeing in that it helps you to find someone who can pull his weight and share the burden as well as the joy and peace of a healthy relationship. There might be many boys who find this list unrealistic but I am still optimistic that there are young men who might rise the challenge of it, who aspire to be men of character and not shy away from it.
I believe it might benefit them too in their desire to be the man God wants them to be.
Thank you for listening to my heart for you. Remember to trust and seek God and wise counsel to pursue God’s best for you. Please always feel free, as awkward as it might be, to come and talk with me about relationships and what is going on in you.
Love,
Daddy 

A few reactions to a great article on helicopter parenting

A few quick reactions to this great article “Kids of Helicopter Parents Are Sputtering Out” by Julie Lythcott-Haims in Slate. 
Don’t let the title fool you, I think this is a must read for parents of toddlers and teens and everyone inbetween.
1) It highlights the sad irony that in their efforts to not neglect their children helicopter parents may end up neglecting to equip their children to handle decisions, problem-solve, take responsibility; in protecting them from pain and failure they set them up for it.
2) I’d heard “enabling” defined as doing for someone what they can do for themselves before.
The second point by author Madeline Levine cited in the article, that it can be psychologically harmful to do something that the kids can almost do themselves, really hit me.
That is so good! 
The idea to not just allow kids to do what they can certainly do and succeed in but allow kids to do and attempt things where success isn’t guaranteed, where they might come up short or even fail.  So much can be learned, they find out what they are capable of, it may even inspire them to grow and their parents can coach and walk them through the experiences. That’s so much better than being shielded from failure and the feelings of disappointment, rejection, confusion and pain as a young child and then being off to college and facing those for the first time in a new unfamiliar environ. 
3) I really like this article because it won’t just help parents. Many young adults in Portland are struggling, struggling with anxiety and depression, struggling with the effects of helicopter parenting. I’m looking forward to reading the book Raising Adults because so much of counseling is helping young adults mature and come to terms with their family of origin and their identity. This article will resonate with a lot of young adults trying to understand why they are struggling so much. I suspect the book may help my clients explore their family of origin and give us ideas for treatment planning, exploration, goal setting, journaling and homework.
      They have to essentially re-parent themselves. If the a parents’ agenda, desires, interests, image to protect, expectations, hopes and dreams always dictated what you did and experienced it’s difficult to differentiate from them. It’s hard to separate from your parents’ identity when you aren’t sure of your own.
4) It’s also interesting how the symptoms of anxiety and depression of kids with helicopter parents are similar to the symptoms of anxiety and depression in kids who were neglected by absent, disengaged, addicted or narcissistic parents.  Just maybe different flavors of anxiety and depression.
With a neglected person, they may struggle with feeling insignificant, invisible, unloved. 
With an over-parented kid they may not struggle with feeling unimportant, they may struggle with feeling too important, feeling pressured to perform, struggle with what they do never being good enough, with feeling loved only for what they do.  Both types may struggle with the fear of failure or on the other hand apathy and learned helplessness. They may not fear failure because they are always shielded from the consequences.
5) I’m sure the author means means “Raising Adults” in the positive sense  (and again I’m looking forward to reading the book) but this article brought up a challenge that I think parents and kids face today in the attempt to raise adults.  In the attempts to raise kids to be successful, to be “special”, to “stand out”, more and more families are taking on adult sized to-do lists and adult sized schedules and their kids are getting crushed by the stress and burden of it. I think their parents are too.
6) One of the biggest helps Julie and I have had in the area of helicopter parenting and letting go is two things sending kids to summer camp and also the HeartLife homeschool co-op lead by Kevin Brusett.
The last 3-4 weeks of the school year the HeartLife school does school on the road, taking trips to the SouthWest, the South (down to Florida and Back)’ the East Coast or Canada and Europe. Nothing like sending your kids away for weeks to help you both deal with your control issues.
HeartLife has been an amazing experience and community for my two oldest kids to be a part of. I’ll blog more about it and hopefully talk about it on my podcast in the future.
They are currently preparing for the next school year, if you are thinking of homeschooling this Fall and would like to learn more, contact Kevin or visit their site.

10 reactions people have to getting caught in their porn use

I wrote this list of reactions 10 reactions people have to getting caught in their porn use.
It struck me how similar it is to getting caught in an affair.

I’ve added a little more detail than the initial list I posted then.

Andee Zomerman saw this when I posted it on Facebook and she invited me on her local radio show The Rose City Forum to talk more about the list and the problem of porn. You can listen to the podcast here. I really appreciate Andee’s willingness to increase awareness of the problem on her show. (If you listen, you’ll see talking “about” porn and answering questions is outside my comfort zone. I’m much more comfortable asking the questions and listening in sessions.)

1) Lie – when porn use first comes to light, what’s you see is usually just the tip of the iceberg. And anyone cheating or using porn has been lying to you and themselves for awhile usually.  Porn is just a symptom, dealing with the problem is not just about stopping the behavior but getting the many factors that feed it. 

 

2) Minimize – the person caught will usually just admit to what they can’t deny, cover up or explain away. They’ll only fess up to what you have the the evidence on. And even with evidence, they may try to make you crazy and question your ability to see the evidence for what it is. They will also minimize or excuse and rationalize their behavior.  They will also try to minimize the damage it has done to themselves and those around them. 

3) Get angry, attack back – when backed into a corner and with the evidence mounting they may try to attack you, throw you off with their anger and cross-complaining.  If you tend to avoid conflict, they may try to use anger and intimidation to scare you and get you to back off and back down. Sometimes, the anger stems from fear. Fear of being found out, from all the truth of what they’ve worked so hard to hide and manage coming out. Fear of hurting you. Fear of what you will do. Fear of disappointing you. Fear of seeing the pain in your eyes. Fear of what they’ve been afraid of, for so long, coming true. Fear of being rejected and alone. So, sometimes that anger, that comes out, is really anger at themself for what they’ve done to the one they love.

4) Get depressed – this may be genuine but often more in a shame-based manipulative way to get you to not be hard on them and leave them alone.  This can look like playing a victim. And don’t get me wrong, very often those trapped in porn are in a very real and significant ways victims. Thing is, it is extremely difficult (maybe impossible, at first) to hold both the role of having healthy boundaries and being angry enough to confront them with the truth and break through the denial and lies, and the role of the empathetic, understanding supportive spouse, at the same time. That is why when porn use comes out it relationship, it can be helpful to not only have couples counseling but individual counseling support for the roller coaster of emotions that come out.

5) Blame – similar to getting angry but worth a separate note. Blame is making you the reason for their behavior. How what you do and say, or don’t do and say caused them to cheat or to view porn.  “If you were more interested in sex. If you weren’t so unavailable. If you hadn’t gained so much weight. I wouldn’t be tempted to use porn.” 

6) Get worse – this one is a big one, I’ve heard this a lot. Telling the truth is risky, often confronting someone about an affair or porn the offended person is afraid of the other person’s behavior getting worse. They are worried if they set boundaries, like a temporary separation, their spouse or partner will cheat more, get more self-destructive. If they set boundaries about intimacy, they will escalate and instead of viewing porn they will start going to strip clubs, or it’ll give them more of reason to turn to the other person for solace and intimacy or worse. And, the thing is, it’s true, they may. But it if they chose to make things worse instead of better it reveals a lot about their heart, commitment and willingness to change.

7) Leave, give up – similar to 6. Another fear of confrontation is that the person caught will just not want to make the effort to change and leave the marriage or relationship. Sometimes the pain of being alone seems worse than the pain of being cheated on.  After years of not being unsuccessful at breaking free from porn, it is easy to feel hopeless to change. Sometimes the pain and devestation that has occurred is overwhelming, instead of facing it and taking responsibility, running away seems like a much easier choice. 

8) Scramble to “get better” – sometimes someone gets caught and it is a bit of a wake up call. Thing is, just focusing on behavior, getting filters, Open DNS, accountability software, etc. doesn’t address the root issues. Patrick Carnes describes this as a first order change. Changing because they “should” or “have to”. These can be good, wise first steps but long-term recovery requires more.

9) Confess – disclosure is a start, taking responsibility, telling the truth and the whole truth, without distortion and minimization. But confession is not enough. Confession without action, a plan, support and accountability can just perpetuate the problem, repeat the cycle of best intentions, false starts, broken promises and failure.

10) Repent – starting recovery. This is moving from 1st order change to more internalized motivations for change, working on changing on the inside as well as the outside. Actions speak louder than words in restoring trust and relationship.

Listening back to the podcast and re-reading this list I realized this can come across as harsh, not very accepting or compassionate towards folks struggling with porn.  I have lots of empathy for those caught. I understand. They are who have spent most of the past 12 years sitting with and counseling. I will write another blog for resources for recovery soon.

What would you add to the list?

How does it strike you?

 

 

A few takeaways from Pixar’s Inside Out

Went to go see Pixar’s latest film Inside Out on Father’s Day with the family.
It was a lot of fun and a refreshingly insightful look at emotions, memories and childhood.
I think, even more than Toy Story 3, this movie was as much for grown ups and parents to look back and learn from childhood as it is a movie for kids. 
This fascinating interview on NPR with the director Pete Doctor highlights a bit of the creative process and research Pixar had to do to make Inside Out.
Here are a few takeaways from the movie that I thought stood out, that can apply to counseling and makes it appealing to so many people.
Spoiler alert: this blog contains scenes and plot elements from the movie, if you haven’t seen the film yet I suggest you save reading this for later. 
(If you are in the Portland area you can see it for $7 in 3D at Milwaukie Wunderland.)
First, emotions are important.
It’s interesting how the film depicts life as an interplay between five primary emotions: Joy, Fear, disgust, Anger and Sadness in 11 year old Riley’s mind.
Basically, emotions are in charge.
They literally are the running the show at headquarters. 
I often talk with clients, whether it’s about mood disorders, stress or addiction, that our emotions often override our best thinking or intentions. 
Sometimes, our emotions get the better of us and we can make bad decisions because of them but I like that this movie is giving people, parents and kids the opportunity to talk about their emotions and what is going on inside their minds and hearts.

Transitions are hard
Transitions are hard for kids and adults.
It’s important to be attentive to kids when making a significant change like moving to a new city, moving away from friends.
Even kids who are for the most part positive, confident and happy can struggle with the new and unfamiliar.
The introduction of loss and sadness in their story can be confusing, stressful and even begin to refine them, especially during the pre-teen or teenage years.
I think a lot of folks who struggle with anxiety or depression can look back and identify a precipitating event (or more) that began a struggle with life and their emotions.
I would not be surprised if this movie inspired people to start counseling or take a deeper look at their lives and childhood.

Emotions impact memories
Emotions impact the way we think, the way we filter our thoughts and memories; in the film, emotions literally “touch” and “color” memories.
In the film, memories create little globes. The memories are brought to consciousness, projected onto a screen.
The emotion experienced from the memory depends on which emotion or color is associated with the memory.
A memory that is Joyful (yellow) can turn Sad (blue) is Sadness is allowed to touch it.
Emotions affect clear communication

One of the funniest parts of the film is when Riley is talking with her parents a dinner. It was a great look at how emotions and self-talk interfere with communication between parents and kids. I won’t say too much here other than I loved it and how they visualized I and Riley’s dads reaction to her emotions flaring up is all too true to life. A great scene to use in counseling for sure.

Joy can be annoying sometimes
Her endless positivity and energy could get on the other emotions’ nerves at times. 
When she was able to work with Sadness and Bing Boing and overcome the challenges they faced,  she grew in depth. She wasn’t just a caricature. 
Joy meant even more having gone through her journey and allowing Sadness her place in the story.
We have key elements of our personality and identity
Riley had Five Islands of Personality. These were five key elements that made her who she is, uniquely here: Family, Honesty, Hockey, Friendship and Goofball. I liked how as she grows up her personality islands expand and develop. This element reminded me of some concepts from Adlerian psychology. She experiences security and her sense of self from these important elements. Goofball and honesty are personality or character traits, the other elements could also be considered core values or elements of identity. Family, friendship and even hockey, were a place where she felt connected.  
Each day, our small moments add up. We are making memories.
The depiction of short-term memories going into long-term memory storage.
This reminded me of John Gottman’s work with couples and the principle of a 5-to-1 positive-to-negative ratio of interactions being a hallmark of a healthy relationship.  
The image of the days’ memory balls going to long-term storage is a great illustration  of how the dozens of brief memories and experiences of the day can add up to a day being colored or remembered as primarily or predominantly one emotion or another. 
The idea of Core Memories
Not only are there globes of short-term and long-term memories, she also has core memories, and handful of vital, meaningful, formative memories.
One thing that fascinated me was one of her core memories was a Joyful memory but it was from a day she missed a shot in a hockey game that could have won the game.
When the clip of her memory played, it showed her sitting sad, alone on a tree branch.  However, It ended up being a joyful memory because her parents came to console her and eventually her teammates too. The vignette ends focused on her happy with her teammates as they lift her on their shoulders and throw her in the air. 
If you just looked at that part of the memory, it looks like they are celebrating winning the game.
It highlights the principles that often what we focus on is what we end up feeling and that what we take away from an experience often becomes the most true part or powerful memory we remember or experience.
A quibble I had with the movie
Fear was played for laughs. And he was entertaining. But as my son noted, fear wasn’t very deep. They had “cartoon” fear, but not “real” fear…Fear is serious.” I agree, fear and anxiety can be terrifying. 
Riley did end up having to overcome frightening things and demonstrate courage and character but  depicting Fear as silly makes it to easy to dismiss him and set him aside. It would have been nice to give Fear a little more edge and depth to show the power fear often has in the lives of many people.
Having emotions is better than losing them
The scariest thing about the movie wasn’t the emotion or even the creepy clown in nightmares.
Anger or sadness weren’t the biggest problem.
There is a moment when she is on a bus where she’s on the verge of losing her emotions, her ability to feel, for me, that as the scariest, saddest, part of the movie.
The time where Joy is almost lost forever in the Dump of Riley’s mind also highlights this. 
They don’t expressly name it hope or faith but the movie demonstrates the sadness of when people lose their hope or faith in life, in themselves or even in relationship with others – it’s like a part of them dies and they cease to live fully.
Sadness is a connecting emotion
This idea from the interview with Pete Doctor, one of the researchers they studied emphasized sadness as a community building emotion.
Sadness helps us express and experience empathy, compassion and connection with others.
I think that is one reason why Inside Out and other Pixar movies like Toy Story or UP or even the shorts like Lava, resonate so much with us, is that when we share on social media that these films move us, to tears, and others share that they did too, it connects us by a shared emotional response. 
We have a shared emotional experience, we share those same feelings of Joy and Sadness as we watch, as we reflect on the movie and also as we remember our childhoods.
Coming to terms withour emotions helps us grow up

One of my favorite images of the movie was toward the end when the memory  globes are no longer just one color but a blend of a few colors/emotions, both Joy and Sadness. This seemed to be so true to life. And a more mature understanding of what we experience from our childhood memories as we get older.  As someone who loves to help folks understand, explore and resolve the ambivalence, the mixed thoughts and feelings, they have about life I thought this was a great illustration. 

There’s so much more to the movie to glean, my son said “this movie has layers!” and it’s been fun to think and reflect on it.  I’ll want to watch again. 
This blog was inspired by conversations with the family and by the Helpful Counselor, a school counselor who made a more comprehensive list of 20+ themes that you might enjoy reading and engaging with too.
What parts were meaningful or stood out for you?
What childhood memories did it bring to mind?
If you are a counselor or in counseling, what parts of the movie might you use in your work?

Marriage counseling is expensive: some ways to make it count

An hour of marriage counseling costs as much as a ticket to Disneyland.

Think about that for a second.

That’s expensive!

Now Disneyland may not care how you spend the time once you’re in but as a counselor I do so here’s a suggestion.

Come prepared. 

Come prepared with what you want to work on and where you want to go and hit the ground running.

I know in the outside world it’s polite to say hi and ask someone how they’ve been since you last saw them – don’t ask me that. 

Really, it’s not rude to just dive in and and start talking about yourself.

The guys in the Dixieland band know you’re there to take pictures with Mickey & Minnie, not with them.

And, you don’t have to spend time making small talk about how things are going well.  

You can do that at home or on date night and you’re not here for the things that are going well and that are easy. 

If you skirt around the issue/s that’s like hanging out in the Tiki Room or on the Small World ride all day when what you really wanted to do is Space Mountain or Indiana Jones. 

And if you wait till the last hour at Disneyland (or 10 min in counseling) to bring up what you want/need you may find out your spouse really wants to go to the Haunted House or Pirates and there’s not enough time to do it all. 

And now someone is going to miss out on what they were hoping for. And it won’t seem as fun or awesome as you wanted it to be.

So, if you’re in the waiting room or in the car ride over, start talking, imagine you’re getting to the gates early and strategize like it’s you vs. the rest of the world.

Visualize sprinting, hand-in-hand, to the back of the park and being the very first people in line at Space Mountain. VICTORY!!

You might even have the time to do 2-3 rides on it before you feel sick and need a break. 

Once you tackle the hard stuff you won’t feel guilty/avoidant for going on Peter Pan or Dumbo and you can leisurely enjoy your pineapple whip and the rest of the time. 

Then again, you can always pick up right where you left off the next week. 😀