Author: Sovann

Licensed professional counselor and health coach in Portland, OR Pre-marital and couples counseling. Individual counseling for anxiety, depression, insomnia, sleep disorders, sexual addiction, porn addiction, career, transitions, grief, burnout, personal growth.

Dear Jesus, thank you for Starbucks

  

Dear Jesus,
Thank you for Starbucks.
Thank you that so many young women and men (some of them bible college and seminary students preparing for ministry) are able to bless their neighbors and co-workers and glorify You with their work there. 
Thank you for the Pink Martini Christmas CD that I picked up there.
Thank you for the countless prayers and Bible studies that have been able to eavesdrop on that remind me that you are at work, that I’m not alone in wanting to live for you in Portland.
Thank you for the cardboard boxes full of coffee that keep us awake when we gather in your name.
Thank you the cups of coffee in hand help seekers and people who struggle with social anxiety feel a little less awkward and a little less afraid to talk to others at these gatherings.
Thank you for the many hours of reading and study and prayer and seeking your will and dreaming about the future and thinking about your plans for my life that I’ve spent there.
Thank you for everyone who’s met with me there – individuals, book, bible study & mens groups – that encouraged me in my faith.
Thank you for the the meetings that I’ve been able to have there with people who were struggling and the opportunities to pray with them
And most importantly of all thank you for the years, the multiple times and hours spent with my children there eating overpriced pastries, reading comic books, sitting and talking, making memories, talking about You before and after church.
Amen. 
‪#‎CupsContainCoffee‬
‪#‎ChristiansContainChrist‬

Five Tips For When Your Marriage Struggles Or Drifts

  

Here’s a quick video I did on Periscope recently. 

If you don’t have time to watch/listen to the video, here’s what I wrote before recording, not a full transcript.

I hope you are well. 

I know some of you aren’t. 
You’ve lost your way. 
You’re marriage is struggling. 
You feel like giving up and that scares you. 
Or you don’t feel anything. 
You just don’t care and you’re not sure if you love your spouse anymore. 
You’re just going through the motions. 

It hurts to lose your best friend. 
Some of you, the isolation of this struggle is making you lose your faith in God and the church. 
It hurts to see your wife so focused on the kids and Pinterest. 
You don’t like seeing her so stressed and unhappy. 
You feel like you’ve failed her. 

It hurts to see your husband so focused on sports, on work. 
You feel rejected by his anger or silence. 
It’s painful to know you’ve drifted apart but not know what to do about it 
It’s discouraging that every time to try to work on it, it just seems to blow up in your face and get worse. 
And it’s demoralizing when you remember when you enjoyed sex but now you just feel used, resentful and unsatisfied with that. 

In the middle of it, there’s moments of hope. 
You still hope you it’ll get better someday. 
Maybe when the kids are older, when you’re less busy. 
But you aren’t sure if you’ll make it. 
Will will be left of the both of you to salvage when the pain is tearing away at your souls, at your love for each other? 

Here’s a few things to find and fight your way back. 

1) Own your part. If you’re on a path of drifting away, stop, assess what is pulling you away or what are you choosing and turn back.  Turn back toward your spouse, toward home.  The home you had in each other. For some of you, this might mean repenting and turning back towards God and dealing with being spiritually off track.  Take back control of what you can.  Stop blameshifting or being victimized by your partner. 

2) Apologize.  Ask forgiveness for your contribution to the problem.  Even if they don’t react well at first.  If there’s a lot of hurt and anger stored up, go slow.  This is hard. 

3) Ask them for what they need or want for things to be better. For them to trust you again.  For them to feel closer, to feel valued and important in your life again.  For them to heal and feel safe with you again.  This can be risky, your spouse may not be open to sharing this because they may not want to be disappointed and hurt.  They may be so hurt or angry that they actually may not want you to succeed.  Try anyway.   

4) Follow up on if it is working.  Set behavioral goals, what you will do and say differently.  Actions and following through on agreements and commitments help to restore trust, not wishful thinking and words.  So checking back in after a week and asking, How did that go?  What went well?  What didn’t?  Did you do what you said you were going to do?  What got in the way?  What do we need to adjust?  What will we work on next? 

5) Ask for help. If this doesn’t work or is too hard.   That can be from a friend, a pastor, a counselor. 

When Your Audience is Small (& top 10 blogs so far)

 

  photo credit: Paul Bica

I’ve been blogging for the past six months and it has been great.  A lot of fun.

There’s still a lot of work to be done.  I’d like to pick a better looking theme template and eventually start podcasting but I’m pleased with the start.

In this post I’ll share some lessons learned but first a look at my top blog posts so far.

  

My top post, a letter to my daughters on dating, had more views than the next two combined.  It was also the most shared blog.  The share numbers got erased somehow but I think it was shared at least 150 times.  Clearly, it resonated with readers.  I love my girls, it is a topic I’ve thought (agonized) about for awhile.  I think one reason folks may have liked it is a) I poured my heart into that one and b) there aren’t too many posts on daughters and dating that don’t mention shotguns.  That are more serious than humorous and written by a dad, instead of a daughter.

Most of the other top posts have been about marriage, pornography, counseling resources, my About page.  Lately, I’ve been writing more about perfectionism and being brave.  Even though the post on dating and on stress and parenting are my only posts so far towards the top I’m planning on writing more about parenting.  One reason I haven’t written much about parenting is I often use the blog to process and brainstorm current concerns that clients or potential clients may have.  At home, the kids are in a good spot so I haven’t been reading, problem-solving, thinking and working on parenting issues as much as marriage, anxiety, etc.  That being said, I do want to write a parenting book (or two) someday – I’ve got about a 30 chapter outline roughly drawn up – and some of our friends and schoolmates are in a season of life that is reminding me of when the kids were younger and things were more challenging, so I am thinking more.  Feel free to ask any questions or let me know if there’s any parenting topic you’d like to read more about.  I am planning on saying more about the challenges of parenting in the digital age of social media and smartphones.  

One surprising thing about blogging:  when I write things on Facebook I can count on one hand the number of things that were shared by more than 5 people.  And I’ve been writing almost every day for 6 years.  On this blog, in the first 6 months, several blog posts have been shared 10, 20 times.  My daughter told me it’s probably because folks on Facebook are usually scrolling quickly through the content on their timeline while bloggers read blogs differently.  Makes sense to me.  Some of the blogs I’ve posted are the same things that I’ve shared on Facebook.  So, blogging appears to have allowed me to share with a new audience.  Like my colleagues in the Blogging Therapists and Selling the Couch communities on Facebook.

Although, I can’t be 100% sure.  Which brings up another question I’m not sure about; I’ve had several visitors over the past few months but haven’t had much interaction, feedback or comments.  I’ve had a bit on Facebook with my friends when I post but even though I try to ask open ended questions and really am interested in the answers, most folks haven’t commented or asked questions in return. Do you have any ideas why?  Or how I might get more engagement here?  The reason I ask is I’d really like this blog to be as helpful to readers as possible.

Thanks to those of you who have commented here, elsewhere online, or in person about the blog.  It’s been really encouraging.

Three posts I’m surprised haven’t been more popular are The B Word, Smart People Anxiety and Stuff Therapists Like.  Three different audiences for those posts: parents, folks with anxiety, folks who are thinking about counseling or starting counseling; four actually, the last post is also for therapists who love Brene Brown too. 

My audience is still small.  Some days I wonder if it’s worth taking the time. But I know it is.

I did a Periscope video about things I remind myself of when I get discouraged about not reaching more folks.  The video was one of my favorite Periscopes so far because of the interaction with the viewers.  It’s also amusing because I basically regurgiate the encouragement I’ve received from my friends Steven Shomler and Marc Schelske, local bloggers, authors and pastors.  I hope others who blog, write, therapists who are starting out or trying to survive in private practice, anyone who’s trying to build their platform, make videos on Periscope and get their voice heard will be encouraged by this video or the summary below.

Here’s a few quick suggestions for When Your Audience Is Small from the video.  

1) Everything I write is a memo to self.  I write because I need hope.  I need encouragement.  I write because I want to have a better marriage, be a better dad, a better counselor, to grow in my faith.  Writing is self-care.  Writing is healing.  

2) Stick to it because it’s needed.  If I need the words I write as parent, as a husband, someone else probably does too. Your voice matters. Today, you may write or record something that someone may not read until years later when they Google a question or problem and they come across your blog. I know what I write on here is needed, even if people don’t realize yet because a lot of what I write here is exactly what I tell my clients in the counseling office. I write things I wish they had read before things got worse or so hard to fix.  I write with the hope that you won’t ever have to come see me or another counselor.  

Yes, there’s lots of blogs. Yes, there’s lots of coaches and counselors and writers out there.  Your perspective, experiences, creativity are unique and the audience that needs you is out there.  And you’ll find them or they’ll find you eventually.  If you don’t give up.

3) It’s practice.  In the meantime, while your audience is small, you’re practicing.  I’m practicing right now.  Getting slowly better and more confident.  Not everything I write works.  But it’s preparing me to communicate and teach and counsel with more clarity and effectiveness.  If your audience is small, it could be a season of growth and focusing you and preparing you to step up at just the right time, in the right way, with just the words to mee the need of a moment you never dreamed of. This has happened to me several times.  

4)  What you blog or Periscope about you think about 24/7 anyway. You might as well write it down or sit in front of your phone and hit “publish” or “record”. Even if you have an audience of 1 or 1000, what are you passionate about?  What do you have trouble turning your brain off about?  I am constantly thinking about marriage, parenting, mood disorders, self-care, relationships.  I love thinking of new ways to communicate and teach counseling principles, to model and teach counseling as a creative narrative process.  I heard an interview with Seth Godin where the host asked him how he writes every day.  He replied that he doesn’t have trouble writing every day because he doesn’t have a problem talking every day, he doesn’t have a problem thinking every day.  We all think and talk every day, we could write plenty, we just have to deal with the resistance and the fear that it’s not good enough.

5) Have fun & experiment.  This suggestion can help with the resistance and fear.  Have fun.  I’m still trying to figure out blog length, content, tone.  I’m trying to incorporate more of my sense of humor, I think a few posts have it but not enough. So far.  I’ve been having fun learning how to use Canva app to make the graphics for the blog posts.  

6) You can’t skip this part.  You can’t skip the stage of a small audience.  You can get lucky and have a blog post go viral for some mysterious or fortunate event.  But for the most part you have to pay your dues and learn the craft and work hard.  I can’t go from 30-400 views to 4000 or 10,000.  Being focused and purposeful now, in the present, is all I can control and enjoy.  Thinking too far ahead, feeling discontent, envious of others or worried about it are all distractions and prevent us from doing good work now.  Besides, when your platform grows and you have more readers and viewers, that just brings the pressure to keep them engaged and continue to produce quality content.  

7) Focus on building up people and you will build a tribe.  If you focus on a broad impact – on popularity you may miss impacting and influencing people deeply.  If you focus on going deep, on impacting people deeply, you have a chance to do both.  

8) Focus on being helpful, instead of good.  Ryan O’Hara on the Periscope video commented “Helpful before Huge”.  I really liked that. I’ve been reading Michael Port‘s Steal The Show book (great trainer on public speaking, has a podcast for his book too) and in it he says if you focus on being good, you’re focused on the wrong person: you.  If you focus on being helpful, you are focused on the right person and it will be good.  

These few points have been things I’ve tried to remind myself of in the past 6 months blogging and the past two months making videos on Periscope.  I hope they will encourage you if you get discouraged about a small audience.  

I’m curious, what are you writing or speaking about these days?  Or thinking about sharing with others?

What do you tell yourself to get through the days when it’s hard to put yourself out there?

For those of you who have been writing awhile or have moved beyond small audiences, do you have any advice for me?

When you have to wait for counseling

Having to wait for counseling can be really frustrating. A little more frustrating than waiting for your mocha at the coffee shop.  This blog is on what you can do while waiting.

Don’t lose hope.  Having to wait for counseling can be really stressful because often the situation that prompted you to email or call for counseling can be a crisis that is affecting your family or marriage.  If you’ve been putting off going to counseling, struggling with emotions or behaviors or communication for a while, if you’re in pain and things feel out of control and unmanageable – not being able to be seen can make you feel even more desperate or upset.

Maybe you’ve just discovered porn on your husband’s laptop.  Or your daughter’s started to cut herself and talk about suicide.

Things don’t have to get worse in the meantime, they can even get better while you wait.

I recorded a Periscope video on this.  I missed a few key resources and ideas I wanted to share so here’s a blog that goes more in depth.

Here are a few reasons why you may have to wait for counseling and some suggestions for each.

1) You want to start counseling but your counselor isn’t available. Sometimes the counselor you’d like to see doesn’t have openings in their schedule or their appointment times don’t work your schedule.

2) You want to do counseling but it’s too expensive.

3) Your insurance won’t cover counseling at all, or it covers it but not as frequently as you’d like.

4) You don’t know who you want to see.

5) You aren’t sure if you want or need counseling.

6) You’re ready for counseling but your partner isn’t ready or they don’t want to go with you.

Here are a few suggestions for each situation.  Try a few of these and by the time you meet with your counselor, you’ll be able to dive right in and hit the ground running.

1) Take action on what you can.  (If you are in crisis or struggling with suicidal ideation – call the 800-SUICIDE crisis line, call 911, call your medical provider and ask for emergency psychiatric services or get someone to bring you to the local ER or urgent care. )  The situation doesn’t have to stay the same or get worse.  You may already know what you need or want to do.  If the counselor you would like to see isn’t available, you may be able to learn more about their approach to counseling by reading their website.  I started this blog for clients and friends and try to post info to help with the topics and problems I meet with people about. Your counselor may have a blog or website where they share resources and info.  Besides here, I post articles on relationships and mental health on the A New Day Counseling Center Facebook page.

You can also ask for a referral to another counselor.  If the counselor you’d like to see isn’t available they may be willing to recommend a colleague or another counselor who could help.   I recommend my friends at A New Day Counseling and the student interns who are training here.  There are also several counselors in the Portland and Vancouver area who are doing good work that I recommend.

2) Consider low-cost counseling resources.  At A New Day Counseling we have interns who can meet with folks for $25 a session.  Sometimes asking your employer or human resources department about counseling resources may help, there may be an Employee Assistance Program available. Addendum: Sunnyside Counseling here in Portland also has interns who can provide care for $25 a session.  If you know of other counselors who provide a sliding fee scale or discounted rates, feel free to comment below.  Your church may also be willing to help defray the cost of counseling for a limited number of sessions, ask your pastor or church leader if that’s a possibility.

Consider pastoral or lay counseling or coaching. Some churches provide free or low-cost counseling and/or coaching and mentoring.  You may not need counseling.  I like to describe the difference between coaching and counseling this way.  Coaching can be like a personal trainer at the gym.  They help you set goals, encourage and push you to go from good to great or okay to good.  Counselors use many of the same tools and techniques but they can be more like a physical therapist.  They help you with goals and problem-solving but they also focus on repair, treatment, therapy, and healing a problem.  Coaches tend to focus on the present and future. Counselors do that but they also explore the past more, as needed.  I’ve been trained both as a counselor and a coach.

Consider peer and group support.  I didn’t say enough about this in the Periscope video!  Some insurance plans or medical groups may not provide counseling weekly or at all but they may have groups for treatment or support.  Three A few other types of groups I didn’t mention are Celebrate Recovery, NAMI, Griefshare, DivorceCare, For Men Only, and Refuge groups locally.  There are also groups for dealing with pornography and sexual addiction locally.  There are twelve-step groups for alcoholism, codependency, drug addiction, overeating.  All can be beneficial and offer support; one of the hardest things about making a change or struggling with emotional and relationship issues is feeling isolated and alone.  Groups help and I often recommend groups for my clients who I meet with in addition to meeting with me.

Addendum:
3) Consider meeting with your primary care provider for a medical evaluation for anxiety or depression.  They may recommend a trial prescription for medication that may be helpful for what you are experiencing.

Your insurance plan may also provide online resources that can help with mental health topics.  If you are a Kaiser member, there are self-help resources to learn more about the Mind Body connection, the process of change, and improving communication.  There are also support programs for Stress, Overcoming Depression, Overcoming Insomnia. There are guided imagery and relaxation podcasts that can help you with anxiety, pain, and insomnia.  You can also call the Health Coach team to enroll in free coaching for stress management.  Some Kaiser members use health coaching to supplement their counseling. They get additional support on the phone between their office appointments with their mental health providers.  If you don’t have KP insurance may provide similar resources: groups, online resources, online coaching, or phone coaching.

4) Write down what you want counseling to change.  Learn how to describe what you are experiencing.  Write down what is happening: Inside you and outside of you.  What are you hoping will be different?  Different counselors have different approaches to therapy but they often involve changing how you feel, how you view yourself, your self-talk, how you are currently experiencing life, your patterns of behavior and communication, the way to relate to others. Investigate.  Read a few counselor’s bios. Ask others who have been to counseling who they might recommend. Read more about mental health topics online and on social media.

5) Learn more about your problem. One way to take action is to start to learn more about what you are struggling with.  Once you start articulating what you are going through you can start to narrow down defining the problem and solutions.  There are online assessments that can help you narrow down the problem.  You don’t want to get too locked in to a specific “diagnosis” until you meet with your counselor but you can start to learn and read about mood disorders like depression and anxiety, you can start to learn more about healthy conflict resolution and communication.

Gaining more understanding, awareness of your feelings, and insight about yourself and how you impact and relate to others are the skills of self-awareness and emotional and relational intelligence.  You may be able to make improvements on your own. If the struggles are impairing your work, your relationships – if they are longstanding, pervasive, and perpetual – if they aren’t getting better on their own or if they get better for a while but then come back, it might be time to try counseling.

Start writing down your story.  Start looking at who you are and what you’ve been through.  If it’s too hard to this on your own, that’s okay.  Go slow.  Writing it down helps you get clarity, decreases how big the problems and the past are in your head and heart.  What’s the script?  What are your core beliefs and family rules?  What is the metaphor, the word picture you have for life, or your image of yourself?  After you learn how to describe what is happening see if you can make connections and identifying the patterns and triggers in your life.  All of this work can be painful.  It can also be a relief to start to face it.  Writing down and facing your story can start to heal and free you up from any destructive patterns and the hold your past may have on you.

6) Give yourself permission to work on yourself.  Often, getting counseling, working on your healing, boundaries, growth areas, mood, and stress – your stuff – can help your marriage or relationship because if you get healthier you influence and impact your partner.  Marriages are a system, if you change you change the dynamics and the relationship.  If you change your steps in the dance, if you change your lines in the script, you can change your interactions, your patterns, and vicious cycles.

I often recommend the books Boundaries, Boundaries in Marriage, Boundaries with Kids, and Love & Logic.  Each of these books gives principles that can be helpful in communication and relationships.  The authors’ website has video advice for a number of emotional and relationship topics.

I hope this blog will help you if you are in the gap of wanting to start counseling and starting.

I will blog soon more on how to explore your past, present, and future.

Stuff Therapists Like

 

 In the spirit of Stuff Christians Like and Stuff White People like, I present to you a short list of Stuff Therapists Like.

Therapists like it 

1) When you show up for appointments and/or follow their cancellation policy.  No shows to appointments are not fun for therapists, especially if they stay late or cancel other plans/events to meet with you.

2) When you are a Brene Brown fan. And you have watched her TED Talks and read her books.  Just because, all therapists love her.  And we love to say it and hear others reply, “Oooooh, I love her too!”

3) When you do your homework outside of session.  They want you to get better and often recommend things to process and work on during the rest of the week.  Some changes require practice over time and the more work you put into it on your own, the more progress you can make. 

4) When you bring up “the issue” at the start or early in session.  We’re happy to chit chat and warm up at the start of session but eventually we’ll ask “What would you like to work on today?” So, it helps if you think about what you’d like to focus on and talk about during the drive over or in the waiting room. You could spend 10-15 minutes trying to clarify with their help or you could jump right into and make the most of your time.  Waiting till 10 minutes are left to drop a bombshell or start into another major issue isn’t helpful to you either.  

5) When you give them feedback about what is working and what isn’t in therapy.  Again, your therapist wants to help and know if you are benefitting from your work with them.  They’d rather hear if you have a concern or dislike how things are going and have a chance to make adjustments than for you to discontinue working with them suddenly.

6) When you take notes and build on previous sessions.  Even if you don’t literally pull out pen and paper, it helps to make note of key takeaways from your sessions (or homework assignments or goals you’ve set) and refer or report back how you’ve applied those takeaways in the past week.  

7) When you come up with best ideas and insights.  Yes, we like to feel useful and smart and wise by coming up with intepretations that help you see things in a new light but it’s even more powerful when you discover and uncover new truths or create new solutions for yourself in the process of therapy.  We want you to grow in self-awareness, mindfulness and self-confidence.  

8) When you talk about yourself more than other people.  For a variety of reasons, you may be tempted to “talk about” other people in your life more than yourself. You may talk about work, a boss, a girlfriend, a parent and husband. Thing is, your therapist is there for you, not them.  Your therapist will encourage you to state how those others may affect you, how you feel and explore your ability to make healthy choices and assertively set boundaries.  

9) When you remember we are human too.  Therapists don’t want to be your guru and make you dependent on them.  We don’t want to take all the responsibility for your life.  On the other hand, we do hope you’ll trust us or allow us to earn your trust.  And that you’ll forgive us if or when we mess up. We hope you’ll be open to our feedback and recommendations.  Even if you may not like it, though it may not feel good, at first. 

10) When you would rather pay out of pocket than bill insurance.  Or are willing to pay up front and submit an invoice for insurance to reimburse directly.  It’s just simpler. Paperwork is the bane of therapists’ existence. 

11) When you don’t come to therapy high or drunk.  That just doesn’t work.  Therapy is hard enough without being emotionally and cognitively impaired. 

12) When you arrange for childcare.  Unless you’re doing famly counseling that doesn’t work well either.  Your therapist will likely need to cancel and reschedule which essentially is like a late cancel/no show appointment.  

13) When you don’t apologize for what you say or how you feel.  Go ahead and say what’s really on your mind. It’s really ok.  Therapists are not just tolerating you.  We love it when you’re honest and brave, when you trust us enough to start opening up about the truth inside without censoring yourself.

Hope you enjoyed this list.  I know not all therapists are the same but I think a few of these are universal, especially #2.

Anything you would add?

on Fighting in Front of Others

 

 Advice for young couples (and old) 

Have your fights in front of others when you are newly married (or even better: when you are engaged).

Why? Because the damage is extremely hard to undo. Trust me, it sucks.

Here’s just a few things that fighting badly does:

It trains you to trust each other less.

It erodes goodwill, kindness, empathy and generosity.

It reinforces bitterness and hopelessness.

(With hope, a couple can just about work anything, they can regain trust, rekindle feelings of love. Without it, they say things like I love and care for her/him but…)

It brings out your worst and turns you into someone you despise.

You feel out of control.

You become more vulnerable to addictions and sinful choices.

It steals away your fun, your best friend.

It gives you an excuse to focus all your attention on your baby/kids, which has negative connotations for *their* lives.

It makes sexual intimacy (if it is still going down, which when you’re young, a lot of you can still override your feelings to make it work), less about emotional intimacy and more just about drive and just something physical. Which ends up making one or both of you feeling used.

It brings up all your baggage and trauma from your family of origins and puts in a chaotic blender so that it seems like you’ll never get a grip on life or that any growth, healing or progress you’ve made in that area instantly becomes undone whenever you try to JUST HAVE A FREAKING CONVERSATION!

Bottom line: it makes you feel unloved, unwanted, uncared for, unimportant and alone.

I could go on. I’m sure you could add more.

Have your fights in front of others. Don’t just get advice. (Yes, I know this advice).

Don’t just retreat to your respective corners, to your respective cornermen/support people at coffee or online.

Fight to resolutions.

Fight through to agreements.

Let the real-time support of others observing and coaching you, train you that fighting is not bad.

This can transform your experience that every time you try to talk IT DOESN’T WORK! to WE CAN DO THIS!

The more agreements you work through together, the more success you experience, provides tremendous safety and security.

You learn this early on and it will provide a lot of protection and joy in your marriage.

When Marriage Counseling gets hard

 

Sometimes  a marriage needs healing

Sometimes  a marriage requires a resurrection

and how impossible that seems can be very discouraging and frustrating

“It gets worse before it gets better”

Couples don’t really realize how true this is until they start doing the work of marriage counseling. And a lot don’t continue because it’s so hard. 

That’s because feelings like hurt, betrayal, disappointment, that have been stuffed down for years, start to come out.

Even when there’s improvement, that can be a negative too, because then the regret and hurt of “Why couldn’t she or he have done this for me and our marriage before now? ” is just one more reminder of how broken and hopeless it all feels.

There’s a grief at suffering in marriage that comes when your spouse starts treating you the way the could and should have in the first place.

It’s like resetting an incorrectly healed bone break.  It has to be broken again and reset to heal properly.

Hardness, isolation, unhealthy patterns, addictions, bitterness, self-protection, lies – just a few things that have to be broken.

Sometimes false hopes and expectations have to die completely and the myth of certainty and control along with it in order for hope and trust and love – still tentative but now unfettered by the need for certainty – to come alive again. 

Often the worst/hardest part of all, is facing the fears that have been avoided, fears like abandonment, rejection, being unloved, unworthy, unattractive, failure, being alone. 

It feels like death because it is a death.

But there’s life after walking through this valley.

 

On taking the scenic route

  

A friend of mine is getting married soon and it has me remembering the song “God Bless The Broken Road” made popular by Rascal Flatts and Selah.

It starts 

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love
along the broken road

I love the song but lately I’m not so sure about the idea of broken roads.

Or “others who broke broke my heart” being Northern Stars.

Just because the road isn’t straight doesn’t mean it’s broken. 

There may be brokenness along the way to be sure but just because it’s hard doesn’t make it bad. 


It’s the scenic route.  


And you see things and meet people you need to meet along the way.
Some of those people are rule outs, to clarify the type of people you want to be your friends. Or spouse.
And some of the things you see are things of your own design, by your own choice, that are really bad ideas.

But you learn and grow, ask forgiveness and heal. 

And it all adds up to forming who you are and discovering what ultimately will bring you joy and peace. Hopefully, you discover God along the way too.

You can work hard and battle and hustle and still not be in a hurry.

Sometimes the road gets straighter, if you just pause and enjoy the scenery.



When you mess up

  

Made a mistake on my last Periscope broadcast on private practice and platform building.

I tried filming in landscape mode, it looked fine from my perspective. But for viewers of the broadcast it was upside down.

And, when I tried to share books and websites I recommend, they ended up backwards and upside down! 

Instead of staying down, disappointed and embarrassed I decided to just write down some learning from it.

Our mistakes are just learning and progress.

Sometimes it’s just a reminder of being human.

And really, I wouldn’t want to be anything else.

That would be weird. 

A short note to perfectionists 

  

Don’t worry about being perfect.
You’re not fooling anyone.
So, really, why try?

You’ve been imperfect all your life.
You’ve got lots of practice.
And, here’s the thing:
It hasn’t killed you so far.

So, just show up.
Relax.
Have fun.

Stop with the 
over-thinking & “preparing”
the contingency planning
the risk and image management
… with the control

There’s a whole fellowship of the broken and imperfect
waiting for you to join in the celebration
of living a life at ease
with who you are

Waiting to 
play
grow
learn and
be awesome 
with you.

Trust me, you won’t be alone.
What you’re doing, trying to be perfect, is lonely.
There’s lots and lots of us out here.