Author: Sovann

Licensed professional counselor and health coach in Portland, OR Pre-marital and couples counseling. Individual counseling for anxiety, depression, insomnia, sleep disorders, sexual addiction, porn addiction, career, transitions, grief, burnout, personal growth.

Fighting FOMO

When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it.It’s Day Three of the Blog Like A Pro Challenge.

Today for Hump Day, I’m blogging about two things: Writing and the Fear of Missing Out.

Today’s challenge is tough for me because I don’t write to be controversial or take a stand or to provoke debate.

But I do have a lot of things I am passionate about. And I’ve been thinking about so many different things the past few days.

There’s actually quite a few things I fight for.   These days it’s fear and stress, in myself and others.

I’m also dealing with what Brene Brown calls a “vulnerability hangover”, a pretty mean one after the last two days of blogging. (If you’re one of my new blogging friends maybe you relate?)

Before I jump into the Fear Of Missing Out, I want to share something from Day One’s blogging experience.

I broke through my Resistance and wrote a “manifesto” of sorts for the first day’s challenge.
I didn’t think it was awesome but was happy to start writing again after several months and put words out there again.  And I was pleasantly surprised to write more than 500 words.  It was actually kind of easy.

I thought: “I’ll just start writing and keep writing as if I stop writing I’ll never be able to start again.” And I started second guessing what I wrote and how it could be better and there’s so much more to stay.

And it hit me, as I ruminated past my bedtime:

“This is more Fear, more Resistance and Scarcity.  It’s so ingrained in me to motivate myself this way.”

It reminded me of the story of the Israelites in the wilderness receiving manna from heaven daily and trying to hoard it.

My mind stopped racing and I was able to let go with this thought:

“Today’s Word, today’s words are enough. There’s more to say tomorrow.  Today’s words are enough.”

§§§

Lately, I’ve been encouraging my overwhelmed patients to fight for permission to be valuable in their own life.  To take care of themselves.  So many of the people, most of them moms, I talk to during the week are so busy, so focused on the needs of others, their responsibilities and roles, that put themselves last on their to-do list.  Some of them aren’t even on their to-list at all.  And their physical and emotional lives suffer.

We are sick.  Our country, our homes are soul sick.

My daughter taught me about FOMO recently, the Fear of Missing Out.  It’s something that affects her off at college.  There’s a constant tension she feels between getting her studies done and participating in fun campus activities. And she’s not the only one.

FOMO can hit young kids when the latest version of Minecraft comes out.
It plays out on our smartphones and tablets and on social media. In our jam packed calendars.  It can even play out in our church activities and attendance; we can get caught up in busyness of going to events and meetings and studies, coffee, prayer meetings and worship services and appointments because we fear missing out on experiencing God in a new and exciting way.

If you’re like me it is a big part of why my nightstand is covered with a dozen unfinished books.

Even in this week’s Blog Like A Pro Challenge, FOMO is rearing it’s head. (Ugh!  I don’t have my “lead magnet” ready.  I’m not going to win the prize!)

It’s interesting how the Fear Of Missing Out drives us to miss out on what’s most important.
Being present
Our kids growing up
Our calling
Intimacy with our spouse
Time with God
Prayer and mindfulness
Contentment and peace

Today’s blog challenge is to pick a fight.

Guys, we’re losing our lives to our screens.

Every other day in coaching or counseling with patients, social media and Facebook come into the conversation and not for a positive reason.

There will be a day when folks that go to counseling will spend a good portion of it talking about how their parents were absent from them because of social media and smartphones .

We may already be there.

Certainly in 10 to 15 years we will have a generation of parents who have spent their entire conscious lives on smartphones and tablets.

The sad thing is kids won’t sit their parents down to have an intervention about their addiction because they’ll just turn to their own tablets and smartphones.

This is the fight I’m picking and encouraging you to fight.
Fight for your soul.
Fight for deep connection with your family.
Fight distraction.
Fight addiction.
Fight comparison and the voices of shame.
Fight to stop fighting and striving and consuming.
Fight to just rest, trust and just be.

You.
Your life.
The simple gifts God gives, are enough.
Because He has made it so.
And said that it is good.

§§§

See, when I started thinking about this my first “advice” was to replace the Fear of Missing Out on social media and concerts and going out with the Fear of Missing Out on your kids, on your life.

But this is was just like the first part of this blog, trying to change negative behavior with another negative.

The solution to FOMO is just like “Today’s words are enough”, it’s contentment and gratitude, that the present moments, the present company, our present reality is enough.

PS.  I was home sick today.  Thinking about this blog and came across this TED talk My year of saying yes to everything | Shonda Rhimes.

She is a mom who is winning the fight against FOMO.

It is amazing and I think may be my new favorite TED talk.

I hope it encourages you.

 

 

 

 

 

Who I Blog For

HALDEN2It’s Day Two of the Blog Like A Pro Blogging Challenge.

A big chunk of the challenge was developing something to offer blog readers to encourage you to subscribe.
Well, I’m going to need a bit of help from my technical and creative team (AKA my kids) to finish today’s challenge.  But like I mentioned yesterday I have a blog series on change and growth that I’ve written and I think I will have the kids help me polish it up for you. So stay tuned, I invite you to subscribe in the meantime.

I didn’t want to skip today altogether so here’s my answer to Jeff’s questions for today. He asked: “When you think about why your message matters and to whom, what comes to mind? Who do you blog for?”

My answer was:

My blog is for my friends and family, my counseling clients, parents, creatives, perfectionists and procrastinators. For addicts, adulterers, the unloved, the scared, the hopeless and sleepless. For myself – as a way of processing, a creative outlet, a memo-to-self. And for God’s glory.

Manifesto

Manifesto

Today is Day One of Jeff Goin’s Intentional Blogging Challenge.

I’m taking the opportunity to jump back into writing and blogging.

I’d been discouraged by my home page malfunctioning and procrastinating on getting it fixed. So, I just installed a new theme because I knew I’d just put off doing it again and put off writing.

The first day’s assignment is “Know What Your About”

I almost took the easy way out and just put my About Page here.  (If you haven’t read it, it’s still is worth reading if you want to know about what I do.)

And the instructions were as follows:

The best way I know how to do that is to write a manifesto. Just draft a few hundred words answering the following questions:

  1. What’s the problem? This can be with the government, the world, or some niche hobby.

  2. What’s the solution? What do you propose we do to fix this problem?

  3. What’s the next step? What is the one call-to-action you want to leave people with? Tell me them to do that one thing.

What’s the problem?  I think there are many and that they are overwhelming.  I talk to people about their physical health, about their addictions, about their broken relationships, their uncertainty about who they are and what they will become.

The problem that keeps me up at night is anxiety and fear.  I work with folks in the counseling office and on the phone for coaching appointments all week who are stuck, afraid, confused, anxious, hurt, discouraged, hopeless.

Who are trying so hard to keep it together, to keep going, to keep up.

The first 10 years of my counseling career I specialized in marriage counseling and sexual addiction and pornography addiction.

These days I think the disconnection, isolation and anxiety caused by the pervasiveness of being online and social media is an even worse threat to the emotional and spiritual well-being of individuals and families.

I also have shifted my practice to work more with individuals.

People who are creative and artistic, writers and musicians, who struggle with insecurity and fear of putting their work out there.

Young adults who are searching for their calling, their career, their spouse.

Leaders who are overwhelmed by stress, the pressure and expectations their jobs and responsibilities place on them. Who feel isolated and ashamed by their struggles and depression.

I also love to work with individuals and parents who struggle with perfectionism and procrastination.

Fear, shame and the pace and rhythm of life make us all vulnerable to self-medicating and coping in physically and spiritually unhealthy ways.

Emotional struggles – loneliness, depression, rejection, abandonment, anxiety, addiction, guilt, anger, shame – all disconnect us from what we were designed to experience – an intimate life with God and others.

A lot of people have heard God loves them but they feel disqualified from God’s love because of their past – what they’ve been through or what they’ve done.

Sometimes the hopelessness and overwhelm of the present impairs our ability to experience God’s love.  Pain and trauma also distorts our ability to give and receive love.  And perversely, your ability to rest and give yourself permission to stop, to breathe, to take the time to look at your life, your patterns, rhythms and habits can be broken when in this state.

So, what’s the solution?

I believe the solution is a person, a relationship with our creator God through the son He sent Jesus Christ.  The solution is also reconnecting with our selves, our best selves, our souls.  It is in being present, connected and intimate with others.  To let go of our addictions and striving and performing and experiencing and practicing an emotionally, physically and spiritually healthy rhythm of life that enables to stay connected to God and others.

The Bible says that Jesus came full of grace and truth, to show us who God is and His love for us.

If you’ve grown up in the church, the balance of grace and truth can be very hard to navigate.

Grace and Truth are not two rabbits to be chased, they are two sides of a coin called Love.

The solution to so many of life’s pain, stress and struggle is the reality that

“You are loved.”

I know that may sound cheesy and it can be.

But it can also be everything.

The Resistance says, “You are loved” is cheesy.

It knows that love is the most powerful thing in the universe.

I think it’s one of the main reasons the universe exists, God needed a place big enough to manifest it.

The Resistance knows that love transforms.

That love heals.

Love connects, adopts, brings near and accepts.

Love reconnects what’s lost.

It also gives life and hope when what’s lost won’t ever come back.

The Resistance knows love sees and knows and forgives.

And because love does this, it frees us from shame and hiding.

It knows that love redeems the past.

That love restores what was lost.

Love brings rest and safety to the weary and wounded.

That loves brings light and beauty and hope to sickness, desolation and devastation.

Love makes us brave.  Love tells us we are enough.

With love, the Resistance and Fear die.

Because of this, the Resistance will fight for its life when you try to learn to love, to find love or try to love again.

It will try to isolate you and talk you out of it.

That’s why Love requires others.

What’s the next step?

Change, healing and rest are difficult.  Trying something new, even though you know you need to, is scary.  Sometimes, it’s not scary it’s discouraging because it’s something that isn’t unknown, it’s getting back to something you used to have and your frustrated or ashamed at how far off track you’ve gotten.

I encourage you to follow this blog or subscribe.  I share what I’m learning as a dad, husband, friend and counselor here.  Writing helps me do what I do better; most of what I write can be tagged “Memo-to-self”.  I hope it helps you know you aren’t alone and encourages you to face your past, your present and future.

This blogging challenge has encouraged me to post my first blog series on overcoming fear, on getting unstuck, on bridging the gap from where you are to where you want to be.  It is based on a keynote talk I did last Fall and Sunday School lesson I did for church.

It will be helpful if you want to make changes in your physical health, relationships, career or education path and especially if you struggle with procrastination and over-thinking; it will help you develop an action plan to overcome your fears of starting.

Kind of like this week’s blogging challenge.

Waiting (based on true stories)

Copy of STORIES

She climbs the steps of the extinct volcano and hurries down the path to find her special bench.
The view here overlooks Portland and she wishes he was here to share the beauty of it all.
She does this every day.
She watches the older couple who walk their dog and the young couple who still hold hands go by.
She hears a single pair of footsteps and turns with anticipation but it’s not him.
She feels her face get flush with shame as she reminds herself how silly it is to hope he’ll accidentally show up today.
That’s the only way it could happen, by accident.
Can it really be called waiting if she’s the only one who knows that she’s there?

Some days she hugs herself as the sun sets and the tears fall.
Some days she’s just numb.
She just sits fuming, mad at him for not meeting her here.
For leaving her alone.
But most of all she feels a hopeless anger at herself because she knows every day she sits here she is telling herself the pain of being alone is the cost of not feeling the pain of telling him about the bench, about the life she dreams about sharing with him, the pain of admitting she’s not ok, risking the invitation and him not showing up.
And she hates herself for being scared and for blaming him.

“Honey, I’m going to bed now.”
Shakes her from her reverie and she watches his back as he heads down the hall.
She reaches briefly for him but catches herself and the sob trying to escape her chest.
It’s not just from the regret of giving another evening to Netflix.
“He’s a good man. I know he loves me.” She reminds herself it’s just that the park was looking especially beautiful tonight for some reason.
Another opportunity lost to tell him about the bench she has set aside for them in her heart.

Something the Seahawks taught me about parenting

A Throwback Thursday post


You’ve probably seen this video of last year’s Seahawks comeback playoff victory.
If you haven’t seen it, watch it, it’s awesome.
As you watch or re-watch it, note the silences.

When the onside kick leaves the kicker’s foot and takes the big bounce.
When the Wilson hands off to Lynch
When Green Bay lines up for a field goal, three points down
When the ball leaves Wilson’s hands
When the play starts, when you don’t know what’s going to happen next.

There’s a lot of agonizing in the silences.

A lot of parenting is the silences.

You let fly and you hold your breath wondering how it’s going to turn out.
You let go, give them the responsibility of a choice, and hope they end up where they should.
Sometimes the time the ball leaves your hand till the time you see what plays out lasts for years.
The suffering in the silence makes the outcome that much sweeter.
The hugs, the tears, the screams, the euphoria.

I’m writing this because of today’s sunrise
A simple thing
It happens every day
At least somewhere in the world
But it was really special this morning
Because it’s been so dark lately

In more than a few ways

I’ve been talking to lots of patients about death and life lately
But what limits them, what they are afraid of
Talking to clients about what holds them back and their fear of failure
Talking to people who are tired

Wives who are tired of broken promises
Parents who are tired of the same fights with their kids
Moms who are tired of feeling guilty and not good enough

And what I realized this morning driving in, soaking in the clear sunlit sky was that what they are missing
What I am missing
What that football game last weekend gave us a glimpse of
Is the abandonment to joy that comes after suffering for a time.

“The sun comes up, it’s a new day dawning.
It’s time to sing Your song again.
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me.
Let me be singing when the evening comes”
– Matt Redman

A Sunday School lesson on Simplicity

“It’s the most wonderful time of the year”
“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.”

I had a chance to teach adult Sunday school at my church last week.
Here are some of my notes from the class.
Not super organized but I hope it might encourage you during the hustle and bustle of Christmastime this year.

I love Christmas time. I grew up on the east coast, in upstate NY, which meant every Christmas was white and filled with snowball fights, sledding and snow forts.
For many people though Thanksgiving and Christmas are not the most wonderful time of the year.
It can be a very painful, lonely time.
There’s the stress and overwhelm of the busyness of the season (my family is doing three concerts in two days this weekend).
This time of the year also highlights what we don’t have. What’s missing.
Two weeks also we looked at Gratitude and ingratitude.
I spoke about Simplicity and started class with talking about the question of What would you do if you won the lottery?
That question often reveals what is most important to us.
When we set aside the issue of money, it often shows us what really would make us happy, what we value, what we are passionate about and what we are called to do, our purpose.

I didn’t follow up in class after asking about winning the lottery – according to Ephesians, we have been blessed with every spiritual blessing in Christ, we have already won the spiritual lottery. I don’t know exactly all that entails but I do know this: it is more than enough for our doubts, distractions and fears – for our discontent, emptiness and hurts. God has already given us everything we need.

Simplicity helps with two things better than finding Balance in an upside down world.
Sometimes the search for “Balance”, whatever that means, can lead to even more stress.
Simplicity helps us experience peace and focus.
(It also helps us experience spiritual, relational, emotional health
It helps us focus on the things, the One, who is most important especially during the Christmas season.
God wants us to experience peace. (Num. 6:24-26, Jn. 14:27, 16:33, Phil. 4:6-7)
Jesus comes as “The Prince of Peace”.
He doesn’t want us to be slaves to fear. (1 Jn 4:18, Ps. 34: 4-7, Josh. 1: 5-9)
Stress steals our peace and focus away.

There are things that drive our busyness and stress:
– emptiness and a desire to feel good
– image management, the desire to look good to others
– performance, the desire for approval (this makes saying “no” to people hard)
– success, security, control
– the fear of missing out
– the desire to be good enough
– the desire to provide for your family
– “love” and “service”, the desire to be helpful
– the desire to fix things, the desire for justice
– the desire for identity and significance
– habit, “the way we always do things”
– old messages and beliefs
– sin
– expectations of others
– perfectionism
Most of those things can be good.
But not all.
Too much of good thing can be negative.

We are also distracted and overwhelmed by the sin and darkness of the world, by ISIS, by Paris, by San Bernardino…by politics.
By pain and suffering, big and small, all around us.
In the middle of all this we lose sight of three key things
1) Who God is
2) Who We Are
3) What We Are Called To
What distracts you from seeing the goodness of God?
Distractions cause us to doubt many things about God
We doubt God’s provision because of finances. We forget that God supplies all our needs. Phil. 4:19
We doubt God’s love because of broken relationships and rejection. We forget we are loved. Gal. 1:10
We doubt God’s goodness because of pain and suffering.
We doubt God’s sovereignty when things don’t go our way, because of broken dreams. We forget that He works all things together for good.
We doubt God’s justice because of racism, abuse, corruption and evil.
We doubt God’s forgiveness because our sin is ever before us and because of our shame. We forget we have been redeemed and set free from the power of sin and death.
We doubt God’s nearness because of feeling alone, isolate and the darkness of this world.
We doubt God’s power because of anxiety, worry and stress.
Psalm 139 reminds us of God’s promises to us
As does this song, “The Lord Our God” by Passion Worship Band
Promise maker, promise keeper
You finish what You begin
Our provision through the desert
You see it through ‘til the end
You see it through ‘til the end

The Lord our God is ever faithful
Never changing through the ages
From this darkness
You will lead us
And forever we will say
You’re the Lord our God

So, what do we do? What do we do when we find ourselves stressed and overwhelmed? When when we get distracted and lose sight of God and ourselves and can’t figure out what we’re supposed to do next?

First, we take our temperature: emotionally, spiritually, relationally and physically.
Identify what is driving us. What are we telling ourselves we “should” or “shouldn’t” do?
Why are we doing what we are doing?
What do I need to trust God for? If we truly understood God’s power, provision and blessing – we would be more at peace.
In simplifying our calendars, in being more exclusive, when evaluating our use of time, our crowded schedules, our scrambling around …the question isn’t “Is this opportunity “good”?” a better question is “Is this what God really wants me to do?”, “Why is this the “best” thing for me to say yes to?”
Secondly, spend time with Jesus, in His presence. In His presence we are renewed and transformed.
We read the story of Mary and Martha together from Luke 10:38-42.
Familiar story but a good reminder to seek “the better thing” – being with Jesus.
Gal. 3:2-3 reminds us who God is, Gal. 3: 25-26 reminds us who we are.
Thirdly, care for your soul like a garden
Weed out what needs to go, weed out sin. Weed out “good” things too. But don’t just “stop” doing bad stuff. If we weed stuff out, it often just grows back.
Plant good things. As a health coach, I help people break bad habits like smoking and emotional eating. It’s hard to just stop a bad habit. What works is replacing a bad habit with a healthy one. Some wise person said there is an “explusive power of a new affection.”
(Zech. 4:6, Col. 1:9-14, Col. 3: 1-4, 12-17)
Ask God what to do – by faith, by His spirit – what do I need to simplify? What do I need to focus on? And what, or who, do I need to say “no” to? What do I need to do more? What do I need to do less?

Part of caring for your soul as garden means simplicity with your physical and emotional self-care and simplicity in your schedule.
Silence and Simplicity. This is not just for the sake of legalistically unplugging but intentionally connecting with God and listening to Him.
Sleep and Self-care.
Pruning your calendar. Slow down. You don’t have to do everything, be everywhere.
Possessions and clutter.
Gift giving. Consume less. Re-evaulate what messages are feeding your expectations about giving and receiving gifts.
Consumption of sports, TV, music, media, experiences. When will enough be enough? Sometimes what we try to fill our emptiness with leads to more emptiness.

Skip counseling, go on a date instead

Here’s a skip-a-session-of-marriage-counseling-and-go-on-a-date-instead topic to talk about.
Instead of the typical I-Statement:
I feel_____because_____
I want/need_____, would you______.
Try this:
I think our marriage would be better if I______.
I’m sorry I haven’t______.
I will______.
Is there anything else that would help you? Help us?
Is there anything you’d like me do or say more?
Is there anything you’d like me to do or say less?

Instead of focusing on how you are being disappointed and the faults of your spouse, you can focus on your contribution to the problem, apologize for it and commit to working on the only person you can control, yourself.

Seven Ways Pixar’s Inside Out Can Help Your Parenting

 

I’ve blogged some takeways from Pixar’s Inside Out before.

Here’s a Periscope video I did a bit ago when the DVD was released that expands a bit on that post to look at 7 ways Inside Out can help your parenting.

 

Update (11/14/15)

Here’s the 7 points briefly outlined:

1) The movie helps us identify and name our emotions.  It helps makes emotions less overwhelming and scary.  Being able to identify our emotions helps us to be able to recognize and understand the emotions in others, to have empathy.  When we are able to identify our emotions we are better able to communicate what we want and what we need in relationships.

2) The trailer scene.  The emotions and noise in our heads make communication challenging.  This is hard enough when it’s just you as a couple, adding a child adds another handful of emotions; the more you add the greater the complexity.

3) Change makes us vulnerable to our emotions.  As parents, it helps to be especially attentive to your kids, and yourselves, when they go through transitions and change.  Even small ones can trigger big emotions.

4) Our emotions affect our memories.  Often what we “take away”, what we bring into the present and future, when we go through stuff is not just the facts of the experience, often our emotional experience is the most real and powerful thing.  What we focus on, how we frame the experience, what we tell ourselves, the meaning we make are tied together with our emotions.  So, as parents we can coach and help our kids cope and reframe their experience.  And, our examples of resilience and hopefulness – or despair – when going through hard things can greatly influence how they learn to cope with struggles.

5) The Islands.  Riley had islands that formed her identity. These elements affected her self-esteem and her sense of self-worth and she was.  As parents, we can help affirm our kids’ talents, abilities, strengths and potential by giving them opportunities to express who they are and grow into themselves.  We don’t want them to believe that they are worthwhile and loved because of what they do but we do want to help them develop skills and abilities that give them a sense of self-efficacy, strength and industry.

6) Don’t take your kids’ emotions and outbursts personally.  When Riley was struggling, what her parents said and did didn’t always help.  It made an already hard transition, even harder.  It helps to remember not to withdraw from our kids when they desperately need more support, understanding and patience.

7)  The importance of all the emotions.  As parents, we may struggle with anger, fear, disgust – with “negative” emotions.  Inside Out teaches us that all emotions serve a purpose, they can each help us.  They aren’t “bad”, what can be unhealthy and destructive is how we react, what we do and say with them.  Emotions can isolate and destroy us or they can help us ask for help and be even more connected than ever before.

On being lost in Portlandia

 
A poem inspired by a video challenge by my online colleague Christie Sears Thomson of Trade Winds Therapy

What do you do
when you’re sitting in your pew
and you hear those words again

“God loves you”

And you want to believe it with all your heart
But you look inside
and you aren’t sure that you still have one

You aren’t sure because of what you’ve done
and where you’ve been

you lost it somewhere along the way
Or maybe lost it to someone

All you know is that along with your heart, you’ve lost yourself
You’re lost and you can’t find your way home

And all the overthinking and sleepless nights
All the social gatherings and porn
and the trips to the coffee shops and food carts that you try to fill that space with
Can’t shake the feeling you’re alone in the crowd
and you always will be
That you’ve disqualified yourself from finding your way back
Back to joy
Back to life

And when the preacher talks about
doing the things you don’t want to do
and not doing the things you want to
You get that.
You do that.
All day, every day
You know this one.

You don’t realize it but you’re on the hero’s journey
You’re finding your way
You’re finding who you are
You’re searching for your purpose

Along the journey, you need friends.
You need mentors and counselors to come along side

I don’t know all the answers or the way ahead
But I’ll help you figure it out.
I’ll remind you
You’re past can be healed
There’s grace enough for you
There’s redemption
You’ll even be able to forgive others as you forgive yourself

There’s hope
You aren’t alone
and you’re not done yet.