“If you loved me I shouldn’t have to tell you to…”
“It doesn’t count if I have to tell you to…”
I’ve heard this and variations of this idea often in session.
The thing is, healthy couples do tell each other what they want and what they need. They ask for it clearly. And often.
Yes, it’s frustrating if you feel you’ve told your partner something a thousand times. And it’s tempting to think if they cared they would remember.
We want and need different things because we’re different.
For example, after 27 years of marriage, I don’t naturally close the kitchen cabinet doors or pick up after myself. My wife doesn’t naturally want to watch a TV show at the end of the day or put down her work and listen empathetically.
It’s hard (impossible?) to simultaneously make your partner feel wrong and empathetic, for defensiveness and empathy and understanding to co-exist.
Have you ever wanted to feel heard, validated and supported and it ends up becoming a fight? This video on listening and connecting better!
(After making this video, I had to use what I shared to slow down and listen better to my daughter.)
This is a handout I often use with couples on our needs and our fears in asking for what we want and a video on our different Love Styles, how we connect differently.
The Fear Dance handout
This post is on supporting and listening to your partner when they need to vent.
When you see and hear someone you love struggling it can be really hard because you feel helpless and powerless.You just want to DO MORE to help.
Here’s the thing: it may not seem like it but sitting and listening *is* actually doing something.
Very helpful. And very powerful.
