A few thoughts on boundaries for mental health awareness month:
Boundaries aren’t a magic wand that shield you from grief or pain.
They don’t mean cutting off your relationship with someone you love. It means setting limits to destructive communication and behaviors so you can have one.
Codependency is an unhealthy way of relating to others that seems to ease the pain but actually perpetuates emotional pain.
Boundaries give you a chance at a healthy relationship.
It’s not an end of relationship, it’s the start of a real one where you’re not just an accessory to their wants and needs. It’s necessary for you to be an actual participant in the relationship.
Instead of sitting someone down and saying “I need to set boundaries with you.” (That often isn’t a good place to start. They don’t react well, especially if it’s a surprise. “Didn’t know we had a problem, you seemed fine.”) invite them to talk about having a healthier relationship and communication.
Sometimes you’ll have to set limits that you wish you didn’t have to. Just because you do the right thing doesn’t mean you’ll feel happy or comfortable at first. The part of you that loves your friend or family member will experience loss, grief or confusion.
If you’ve based your peace and happiness on complying and giving in to avoid conflict and have been walking on eggshells setting boundaries will cause a lot of stress, your partner may get angry.
You’ll be tempted to think what you’re doing is wrong because “if it feels bad, it must be bad”.
That’s why when you start to make changes with boundaries, it helps to get support for sticking to your guns when it doesn’t feel right, yet.
Boundary talk is just as much about what you will do as much as it is about what you won’t do and what’s not okay.
Boundaries are not “being controlling”, they are about being in control, there’s a difference.
Boundaries are not about being unloving, it’s about being real, honest and courageous and being freed up from fear of the other person’s anger or rejection.
Boundaries don’t mean you don’t care about the other person’s feelings. It means you’re not taking responsibility for them, for fixing them.
